Bachin' It

Wife and kids are away at the in-laws, and I'm all alone at home. The anticipation leading up to this was more than how it really is. I have changed. I was always independent and was perfectly happy by myself. With the family gone, I find myself missing them. The house is too quiet. The only communication is by telephone. I hate talking on the phone. The key is trying to keep myself busy. The main thing is how surprised I am in the change in myself.

I took off a post I had about hang-ups. I'm trying not to think about having sex with Wife out of town.

I'm Baaaack

I made it back in one piece. All in all it was not a bad trip. Not too many blow ups despite the stress involved with traveling. It was very educational.

I learned that the Wife is always on guard as to what to say and how to act. This is totally foreign to me. I come from a long line of loud-mouthed aholes. Although the folks in my family are extremely well-liked, we are constantly saying the wrong thing. Unfortunately, my wife has felt the need to be completely perfect in everything she says and does from the day she was born. She has learned that she must always be on guard lest she offend someone or say something that makes her/someone else look bad. Totally alien to me. After 12 years of marriage it has finally sunk in. Talk about dense.

The incident that taught me this lesson was the arguement we had the day before I left. Wife, sister-in-law and I were sitting around chatting. The subject of my parents came up. My mother always seems to be able to push Wife's buttons like no one else. It comes up that my parents are always too hot when they visit. Sister-in-law (SIS) states that Wife should be more accommodating and turn the air up to cool them off. Wife laughs and says we put fans in the room to help, but she gets too cold if the air is turned down any lower. SIS says that Wife has always been the least accommodating of anyone in the family. Now, I think this conversation is still in the jesting mode. Wrong. I say that she seems to be very accommodating to others but tends to be less accommodating to family. Not quite the refutation Wife was looking for. I have stepped in it again. I tell SIS that Wife is accommodating, but seems less so to me. This is nothing new to Wife; I have told her this many times.

Apparently, this was a terrible thing for me to say. She tells me that she is disappointed in me because I sided with SIS. I tell her that I did not side with SIS, but told her what I felt to be true. I restated that I felt Wife is very accommodating just less so to me. If she has to pick between myself and someone else's inconvenience, she chooses mine. She stays pissed at me. As she sees it, I have confirmed to SIS that she is not accommodating. Period. I am totally bumfuzzled as to how that comment warranted such a tongue lashing. Wife states that she has been looked down upon by her siblings. They do not respect her, they demean her, and she always felt like she was second class.

She has said this before, but I did not understand the length and breadth of her conviction. What I have noticed is that each sibling feels the other is screwing up. It FINALLY dawns on me how much pressure she has put on herself, when she visits her family. It is totally the opposite with my family. We are very laid back and always tell folks what we are thinking. We'll never attain high office.

Naturally, this argument occurs the day before I am supposed to leave, so now sex for me for seven days. Rosy and Harriet, the Palm, sisters are my new, best friends.

The Crux of the Matter

Well, Saturday was the day we tried to get past what happened the other day (see post below). Although we had talked about what happened some Friday morning, I thought it was over. I made a snarky comment, she called me on it, I apologized, and that was that. Right...uh, not exactly. Saturday was the day we had to hash things out. It seemed Friday was too quick and too easy. After I came home from working all morning Saturday, we got into it. We had verbal fencing with me continuing to apologize for a comment that I thought, while adolescent, was made in a moment of frustration and weakness and her wanting to make sure I understood that.

Apparently, Wife had been carrying some deep resentment towards me for something that happened a while ago (several months). See, she generally does not like oral sex to be performed on her. Although it feels good to her, Wife is very selfconscious about hygiene, etc. Despite my best efforts to the contrary, she continues this opinion. Unfortunately, I LOVE to perform oral sex on her. She, definitely, does not have any problems down there. Anyway, one night I was a bit too aggressive in that department. She became pissed off and stopped the love making session right there. I apologized and changed my behavior by not forcing the issue since. She admits that I have been on my best behavior since. However, she still feels the need to keep her guard up. She feels that she cannot trust me.

So after many hours of discussion of what I thought was a rude comment made by me, her anger was probably not due to my comment but actions done many months ago. I still do not understand her hang-up on receiving oral sex (she allows it sometimes), but I will accommodate her wishes. So far everything seems to be back on track. The real test comes tomorrow and the following days because we are going to visit her family. This usually proves to be a stressful situation.

Open Mouth Insert Foot

Last night was my one chance to make love to my wife for the next three weeks, and it did not happen.

So we finally get to bed at midnight after a full day of "fun." We got home from Son#1's baseball game (which he lost...thank goodness we're done) at 11:00. However, we had to clean the house because the house cleaner was coming (the subject of a future post), so we did not get to bed until midnight. We're laying there and Wife asks,"Do you want to have sex?" Just like that. That is the way she always phrases it. No warm-up or anything. Me being male and undersexed say, "Sure." Now, I know she has set herself up for failure. There is no way on God's Green Earth she is going to be able to stay awake that long. Anyway, she fondles me for about a minute and then has a sleep jerk (involuntary muscle spasm right about the time one is out totally). This irritates me no end.

Yes, I should have been more active, but I'm tired too. We had spent a whole day at a large, famous waterpark in town. She billed it as a family day. She did not mention that we would be bringing three other kids. This brought the grand total of people to eight. She knows I hate hassling with crowds, but I want to make her happy, so I try to put on a happy face and oblige. I did have a pretty good time. Aftwerwards, we went to our kids' swimmeet. I packed food for a picnic supper. We brought the other three kids with us. Now, I thought they would be going home soon, so I brought enough for the just the five of us. Although the extra kids did go home soon, she fed them anyway. Naturally, we ran out of food. She and I did not have supper. Son #1 left the swimmeet early for a baseball game (luckily, at the same park). We got home late.

So we are lying there tired and she asks me if want sex. She falls asleep while playing with me. In my frustration (a lot sexual), I say, "I guess you don't find me attractive." She says, "Sorry" in a tone bespeaking anything but. We go to sleep.

The main reason for my frustration is not just the lack of sex, but also this is not the first, second or third time this has happened. Before I started working out, she did this on a regular basis. It became, sort of, a joke. Now, she goes to bed and is totally out by the time I am finished (~11:30 pm). I know this is late. I don't come to bed expecting anything. But, I have curtailed working out to every other night. Hasn't helped. So, our sex department needs help (to me anyway). When I bring this up, she brushes it off as no big deal. Which is what usually happens, when I bring anything up.

This morning, as I am about to leave for work, she starts with how mean I was to say that. She still feels attracted, etc to me. I realize my comment was stupid. I apologized. However, I said but that was how I felt. I was frustrated, but I know it was mean and petty. She blamed me for her falling asleep. WTF? She asked me for it, and she falls asleep.

Weekend is Over

Well, we made it through the weekend. Our anniversary turned out better than expected. Wife did not keep the afore mentioned child. We took Daughter and Son #2 out with us for Chinese and Blockbuster. It turned out to be a pretty good time. The only cloud was when I went to fetch her cell (she forgot it at the restaurant) and came back to Blockbuster and did not check in. She was pissed, and I heard about it all night. The other was during the movie Bringing Down the House.

If one hasn't seen this terrible POS, don't waste one's time. It is truly horrible. Steve Martin must really need the money. In one scene he is about to meet a woman he met online. Since Martin has never seen her, he wants to make a good impression. He changed his clothes, like, 6 times. I commented that no hetero guy does that. She asked, if I had not even done that for her. Of course, I said no. Little did I know that meant I did want to impress her, and therefore, did not love her. WTF?!?!?

Anyway, Saturday went better and by Sunday everything was peachy. Even got a little last night. Hopefully, this week goes well. Next week we fly to visit her family. I'll be gone for a week and she and the kids for two. If I can get through these next two weeks, it'll be a miracle.

Happy Anniversary

Today is supposed to be our 12th anniversary. Twelve Years! To celebrate we get to baby-sit one of her friend's little shites. This girl is seven and extremely annoying. I do not think she remembered our anniversary. All week I have been asking her what to she wants to do and getting the "I don't know" response. Last night she tells me I never asked her. Very frustrating. I know, if the tables were turned, I'd be up shit creek with a barbed wire paddle. Been there done that.

About 4 years ago, I was taking flying lessons. I scheduled a lesson on our anniversary. It was Saturday, and I was done by 4 pm. We still had time to go out. But, I admit it was not one of my smartest moves. Fortunately, we joke about it (or at least I do). I had to work pretty hard to dig myself out of that hole at the time.

Flashforward to today, she basically was worse. I'm more frustrated not by the lame anniversary but by the fact she puts herself (and sometimes myself) out to help others. She will create a terrible inconvenience for herself and thereby myself to make sure to be helpful to others. As much as this can be an admirable trait, it creates stress because we spend too much time helping others and not getting our stuff sorted out. Another example: she allows son#1 to invite two other 11 year old boys to spend the night...without any food in the house. I had to run to the store at 10:00 last night because she was too tired and does not like to go out at night by herself.

I have commented to her about this sometimes good trait. I have let her know that it really creates a lot more stress for us than relieves for the other person. She does not see it.

Idiot!

Well, just to let everyone know, the Wife is not the only one at fault. This morning I managed to start a little row. It was all my fault; I apologized profusely; and everything seems to be ok now. Basically, I assumed too much (I know: makes an ass out of u and me). I thought I was being critized, when in fact it was Son #1. It could have been ugly, but we talked through it. Of course, I was late to work making me behind all morning. Anyway, the basic problem (as I see it) remains: too much stress. We're still running in a million different directions with kids' activities, work, etc. We need a time out.

Calm Before the Storm?

Well, things are much calmer since last time. I have been trying to be more attentive and putting her first. Things are easier. I do not believe it is anything I am doing. I beginning to wonder, if the birth control pills have anything to do with it. I am going to keep a log of our blow ups with the hypothesis being that they are worse and more frequent the week prior to her period. If that is the case, I am going to push for her to get off of the pill and me have a vasectomy.

I have offered on numerous occations to have one. I know it is far less invasive for men than women, the recovery time is less for men than women, and it has less likelihood of failure. Unfortunately, once a Catholic, always a Catholic. She is against any form of permant sterilization. It was rough to get her on the pill. With the surprise birth of our third child, she relented.

Hopefully, tracking the mood swings (that is what I call them) in relation to her period will guide us.

The Aftermath

Well, it seems we have made up? Everything is right as rain, now. The more I think about everything that has happened, the more I come to the conclusion that I'm dealing with a sort of Cybil. Three weeks out of the month she is awesome. She is caring, devoted, understanding, patient, etc. That fourth week is hell week. I mentioned this to her. Of course, that was an absurd statement. I mean, if I had only done what see was thinking (my psychic powers were on the fritz), none of this would have happened. I have communicated how I feel ad nauseum. It comes back to me being the problem and she being the victim.

The first time we had sex after the fight I really wanted to hurt her, to make her sorry (I didn't just wanted to). This is nothing like me. We are back to the three weeks. She is back to being patient, etc. I'm also back to barely getting any. In May we probably had sex twice. Usually she is too tired. Now, before anyone says I should communicate, I have expressly told her how I feel. To no avail. Yet, I must be the one to change to make her happy. It is all very depressing. So now I am posting on a blog. Talking to my wife seems to be getting me nowhere. She does not take my feelings seriously, because she sees me as the one causing the problem. Damnit, I am only half of the equation here!