Wednesday, March 08, 2006

Aftermath

After I posted the last entry, Wife woke up, when I came back to bed. We argued for about another hour or so. She apologized for waking me up and said that she was not trying to be critical but wanted to know what had not been done for the cleaning lady. The "discussion" boiled down to me asking her what she considered my obligations were. Is it fair to expect me to take on the stress of earning enough money to keep up our standard of living and do 50% of the domestic stuff. Her answer was vague. She considered my obligation to do whatever was needed for the family. I kind of thought I was already.

HTN made an interesting comment. Basically, since I work roughly 10 hours a day earning our money, how much time does she spend on domestic chores? Although Wife does work about 3 or 4 hours a day in the office doing bookkeeping, she does not spend another 6 or 7 hours a day doing domestic chores.

A good snapshot of her day starts with her getting out of bed at around 8:30 am. Wife says she is up at 7:30 (when the kids and I leave), but I rarely see that. She has to sip her coffee while she watches her inane morning shows. It takes her a good hour to get ready for the day, although I admit the effect is stunning. So it is now anywhere from 9:30 to 10:30 am. Now, she does not take time here to straighten the house. The same dishes in the sink will be there, when I come home tonight. For the next 5 hours she will either:
a. Come to the office and work on the bookkeeping
b. Go to the church to do whatever volunteer work that needs to be done.
c. Go to the school to do whatever volunteer work that needs to be done.
d. Shop
c. Anything else that will keep her from home.


At the 3:00 pm she picks up the kids and takes them to whatever after school activities they are doing. At 5:30 to 6:00 I help with running the kids around. Except the first Tuesday of the month. Wife does bonko on that night, so I have to run to all of the various activities without her help.

Yet, Wife will get bent out of shape, if I say she does nothing at home. Denial isn't just a river in Egypt. Now, don't get me wrong: if she were earning the money and I stayed home, then I would be expected to do the majority of the housework. I totally agree that housework is drudgery but so is any other job. Get over it.

I'm a little bitter. I do not think Wife is keeping her end of the bargain. Is it fair to expect me to earn all of the money and do half of the housework? You tell me.

5 comments:

So Gone Over You said...

If one person stays at home to be a stay at home whatever, and the other person is out making a monetary living for the family, then obviously the one staying home should be the one doing the majority of the housework. I think stay at home whatevers are great, if they are keeping up their end of the bargain - which is not happening here.

BroccoliEater said...

Domestic work needs to be shared, in that each person should be responsible for picking up their messes. Just because Spouse A works fulltime doesn't mean s/he doesn't need to wipe boogers out of the sink, make sure socks are in the hamper, pick up books and papers left out, etc. Working fulltime doesn't get you out of putting your freaking socks in the hamper or your newspaper in the recycling.

The general stuff -- the cooking, vaccuuming, tub-cleaning, etc -- I do think it's fair that it be divided proportionately to the amount of work done outside the home. If one person is not working for pay outside the home and the other is, then it makes sense that the one whose job is to 'keep the home' be the one keeping the home, most of the time.

If one spouse chooses to work 10+ hours a day out of whatever workaholic tendencies, I don't think the other spouse is obligated to work at housework 10+ hours a day, however. I don't think it works like that.

When I was working FT, I expected a lot more from my husband, domestically, than I do now that I work about 25 hours a week. I still expect he do his share - there's no way it would all get done if he came home after work and sat on his ass. But I do the groceries, 90% of the cooking, all the afterschool activities, the bathroom cleaning, the majority of the laundry (we fold together while we watch TV at night). And even if I was home fulltime, I'd still expect that he take a share of childcare in the mornings while getting ready for school and in the evenings while getting ready for bed.

Lori said...

It seems I've been reading alot of blogs lately....that the women sleep in late and don't cook....and have cleaning ladies....That's WOOOW to me......I have to get up bright and early with my daughter....and I cook 6 days a week....and I do 99.9% of the cleaning....Nooo cleaning lady here....other than me...LOL.....And I do work P/T.....While hubby works 10 hours a day 4 days a week.....So I do most of the house duties....Don't have a problem with that....BUT....I do think after I have cleaned all day.....He shouldn't just throw his clothes on the floor.....or if he eats something after dinner...and messes in the kitchen he should clean it up!!!

Have a great day!!!

Confused Husband said...

There have been amny good points here. from different situations.
First thing I'd like to say is this though. I usualy work 8 hours a day. But in the summer months we start to pave the roads and highways on a constant basis. When that time comes I do NOT choose to work 10+ hours a day out of workaholic reasons. I do it because that is what I am REQUIRED to do to keep my job. Sometimes that means working 10-12 hours a day 5 days a week. Or if it is a big job it means working graveyard. So it is not a choice. It is a job requirement.

Now when I work these days and hours whether it is winter hours or summer I dont like to come home and have to wash breakfast and lunch dishes just so I can cook dinner and do the dinner dishes to. I leave for work before the rest of the house is up. So I'm not here to eat lunch or breakfast.
I keep my clothes off the floor and in the hamper. We both do the shopping it is a family thing that we all do together. We both do laundry and fold it. I'll usualy do it while the family is at church. She does it during the week before bed.

It should be a give and take thing. The more wife works outside the home the more I do inside the home.
If one person is doing all the monetary support for the whole family than that should be the soul job of said person. Not housework too. Especially if a cleaning lady is involved. This goes male and female BTW.
CH

aphron said...

Thanks to all of you who commented.

No real resolution with Wife.

Now, don't get me wrong: I have no problem helping out when needed. However, when I see nothing being done whilst Wife has her day filled with other things, then I have a problem with that.

Let me clear, I have helped out a lot...maybe too much. I gave the vast marjority of the baths, read the nearly all of the bedtime stories, changed my share of diapers, awoke with the kids' bad dreams, etc. My problem is feeling like I'm being taken advantage of.