I'd thought I'd take a break from Sybil bashing for awhile. It seems to be getting old. Reading my posts makes me think it's same stuff different day. Since things are going pretty good with her right now, I thought I might bore you with why I blog. After over one hundred posts, it's about time, right?
All marriages have problems. I do believe that a marriage without conflict is in trouble. However, I hate conflict. I hate the emotions that run through me and the person talking to me. The feeling of letting my emotions get the better of me is a feeling of helplessness. Yet, an argument, no matter what size, is wrapped in emotion. This blog is a way for me to noodle out my emotional responses.
Some have wondered why I stay with Sybil. There are times I wonder the same thing (see the last post). Marriage, to me, is not disposable. For all of her faults, Sybil is committed to this marriage. There may be times that she will not show it. There may be times that she may seem to sabotage it. However, that is one thing we have in common is our commitment to this marriage.
Before I married Sybil, I had many friends that I hung out with. Since Sybil and I got married and then six months later we had a child (do the math), I have had little time to maintain the friendships I had nor to make new ones. With my work schedule and kids' schedules, making friends just takes too much energy. Posting about my frustrations is similar to talking with a best friend and venting. It is sad, in a way, that I have to rely on a nameless, faceless internet, but that is something. Where would I be without it? Alone? Cut off? Blogging maintains a connection. I am always amazed that anyone comments, and new people are always dropping by. Thank you, friends.
Reading some of my posts, one might get the idea that Sybil is some succubus from the ninth level of hell. Sometimes she is. However, she has many admirable traits. She is kind, empathetic, selfless (in some ways but maybe not as much as she believes), and loves helping people. This blog is a microcosm of who she is. I doubt anyone could remain married to a woman that I have painted her out to be. This blog is a means of grappling with the emotions of marital conflict.
Some have commented and questioned why I stay with Sybil. That is not an easy answer. First of all, what would I gain by leaving her? Independence? Doubtful. I still have to work. I would still have three kids to care for. Independence is an illusion. Happiness? Maybe. I've wondered about that, especially during one of our arguments. Would I be happier away from her? I'm not sure. Happiness is fleeting. I'm not sure the potential emotional damage to my children is worth my happiness. That's not something I'm willing to risk. Do I love her? In the end that is what it boils down to. I understand, a little, why someone stays with an abuser. Although I'm not saying Sybil is abusive, there are times I' ve wondered about it. Unfortunately, I cannot look at her without my breath catching in my throat. After 13 years, I still look upon her in amazement. That feeling is more than just simple lust. That feeling has more length and breadth than any stirring of the loins. That is the real reason. I think it would take something catastrophic (like her having an affair) to push me to leaving her.
Well, this post seems to be rambling. I'm still going to write about my frustrations and anger with Sybil. In the future, I want to try to focus on the positive aspects too.
The demand of the loveless and the self-imprisoned that they should be allowed to blackmail the universe: that till they consent to be happy (on their own terms) no one else shall taste joy: that theirs should be the final power; that Hell should be able to veto Heaven. The Great Divorce. C.S. Lewis
Thursday, July 27, 2006
Tuesday, July 25, 2006
Changes in Latitudes, No Changes in Attitudes
I apologize for my lack of posting. Sybil is working in my office, and it makes it hard to get privacy on a computer. Since I mainly blog about her, I don't think it wise for her to be around when doing it. When the kids get into school, that should ease up a bit. Unfortunately, we had to do it, because of staffing issues.
Survived the weekend. We drove to another time zone to see Lil' Bro get married, again. Since he left his wife last year, it has been a major bone of contention for Sybil. She has a poor view of him, since he not only left his wife but also risked screwing up their 3 year old in the process. As for me, I don't blame him. Although I would have rather they stayed married and try to work things out for the sake of their child, his Ex is a controlling shrew.
Anyway, for the whole weekend I got to hear Sybil's rant about how he'll screw up again. It's a little old. Naturally, we got into a major fight. I admit to starting it. We argued about stirring straws. Yep, STIRRING STRAWS. I said sticks; Sybil said straws. Since they were hollow, they were straws. I just couldn't help myself. Sybil makes the comment about wanting to go home. I apologize for being a jerk and starting an argument. I mean it was over a little thing. Right? Nope.
On the way to my parent's house after the wedding, I asked if she still wanted to go home. Sybil said, "I can't go home." That doesn't seem like an answer to me. My question could have been answered by a simple yes or no. Another fight ensued. Even bigger than the friggin' straws. After things calmed down, we talked a bit, and I thought the storm had passed.
The next morning I wake up. Sybil wakes up. I start goofing around, and she is distant with her back to me. Sensing that something is amiss, I ask her what is wrong. "Nothing," she says. I know it's B.S., but I ask again. Again, nothing. O.k. it's nothing. I go about my day getting ready to go.
On the way home, we're stuck in the car for nearly 7 hours. Together. Alone. By ourselves. This morning comes up. Sybil is still mad about me getting mad about her "I can't go home" statement. If really cared, I would have known what was wrong. I should have known what was wrong. In my defense, I explained that I asked what was wrong; she spooned me last night (she says to keep from falling off of the bed); and didn't act distant or anything at the end of the day. Not enough. Ugly words were thrown around. Since I had nothing else to say, Sybil indicated that maybe it was time to call the lawyers. I indicated that maybe she was right. Silence ensued. Golden silence. A weight was lifting off of my shoulders. Aww, sweet independence.
Then I pictured having to tell Daughter. I caved. There was no way I could bring myself to do it. I would rather go through Hell itself than disappoint Daughter. So for the next four hours we talked and talked. Things are back to normal, which is to say screwed up. Nothing was accomplished. I still love Sybil, damnit. Despite it all. It ain't easy to do, though.
Survived the weekend. We drove to another time zone to see Lil' Bro get married, again. Since he left his wife last year, it has been a major bone of contention for Sybil. She has a poor view of him, since he not only left his wife but also risked screwing up their 3 year old in the process. As for me, I don't blame him. Although I would have rather they stayed married and try to work things out for the sake of their child, his Ex is a controlling shrew.
Anyway, for the whole weekend I got to hear Sybil's rant about how he'll screw up again. It's a little old. Naturally, we got into a major fight. I admit to starting it. We argued about stirring straws. Yep, STIRRING STRAWS. I said sticks; Sybil said straws. Since they were hollow, they were straws. I just couldn't help myself. Sybil makes the comment about wanting to go home. I apologize for being a jerk and starting an argument. I mean it was over a little thing. Right? Nope.
On the way to my parent's house after the wedding, I asked if she still wanted to go home. Sybil said, "I can't go home." That doesn't seem like an answer to me. My question could have been answered by a simple yes or no. Another fight ensued. Even bigger than the friggin' straws. After things calmed down, we talked a bit, and I thought the storm had passed.
The next morning I wake up. Sybil wakes up. I start goofing around, and she is distant with her back to me. Sensing that something is amiss, I ask her what is wrong. "Nothing," she says. I know it's B.S., but I ask again. Again, nothing. O.k. it's nothing. I go about my day getting ready to go.
On the way home, we're stuck in the car for nearly 7 hours. Together. Alone. By ourselves. This morning comes up. Sybil is still mad about me getting mad about her "I can't go home" statement. If really cared, I would have known what was wrong. I should have known what was wrong. In my defense, I explained that I asked what was wrong; she spooned me last night (she says to keep from falling off of the bed); and didn't act distant or anything at the end of the day. Not enough. Ugly words were thrown around. Since I had nothing else to say, Sybil indicated that maybe it was time to call the lawyers. I indicated that maybe she was right. Silence ensued. Golden silence. A weight was lifting off of my shoulders. Aww, sweet independence.
Then I pictured having to tell Daughter. I caved. There was no way I could bring myself to do it. I would rather go through Hell itself than disappoint Daughter. So for the next four hours we talked and talked. Things are back to normal, which is to say screwed up. Nothing was accomplished. I still love Sybil, damnit. Despite it all. It ain't easy to do, though.
Tuesday, July 18, 2006
In Summing Up...
Things are improving. Time heals all wounds, right? I heard this song this morning and I thought it was apropos.
RELIENT K LYRICS
"Mood Rings"
we all know the girls that i am talking about
well they are time bombs and they are ticking
and the only question's when they'll blow up
and they'll blow up; we know that without a doubt
cause they're those girls, yeah you know those girls that let their emotions get the best of them
and i've contrived some sort of a plan to help my fellow man
let's get emotional girls to all wear mood rings
so we'll be tipped off to when they're ticked off
cause we'll know just what they're thinking
cause what they're thinking...
she's so pretty but she but doesn't always act that way
her mood's out swinging on the swing set almost every day
she said to me that she's so happy it's depressing
and all i said was "someone get that girl a mood ring"
if it's drama you want then look no further
they're like the real world meets boy meets world meets days of our lives
and it just kills me how they get away with murder
they'll anger you then bat their eyes; those pretty eyes that watch you sympathize
and i've contrived some sort of a plan to help my fellow man
let's get emotional girls to all wear mood rings
so we'll be tipped off to when they're ticked off
cause we'll know just what they're thinking
cause what they're thinking...
she's so pretty but she but doesn't always act that way
her mood's out swinging on the swing set almost every day
she said to me that she's so stressed out that it's soothing
and all i said was "someone get that girl a mood ring"
cause when it's black (it) means watch your back because you're probably
the last person in the world right now she wants to see
and when it's blue it means that you should call her up immediately
and ask her out because she'll most likely agree
and when it's green it simply means that she is really stressed
and when it's clear it means she's completely emotionless (and that's all right i must confess)
we all know the girls that i am talking about
she liked you wednesday but now it's friday and she has to wash her hair
and it just figures that we'll never figure them out
first she's jekyll and then she's hyde....at least she makes a lovely pair
mood ring oh mood ring
oh tell me will you bring
the key to unlock this mystery
of girls and their emotions
play it back in slow motion
so i may understand the complex infrastructure known as the female mind
[speaking:]
heh...that's terrible
"Mood Rings"
we all know the girls that i am talking about
well they are time bombs and they are ticking
and the only question's when they'll blow up
and they'll blow up; we know that without a doubt
cause they're those girls, yeah you know those girls that let their emotions get the best of them
and i've contrived some sort of a plan to help my fellow man
let's get emotional girls to all wear mood rings
so we'll be tipped off to when they're ticked off
cause we'll know just what they're thinking
cause what they're thinking...
she's so pretty but she but doesn't always act that way
her mood's out swinging on the swing set almost every day
she said to me that she's so happy it's depressing
and all i said was "someone get that girl a mood ring"
if it's drama you want then look no further
they're like the real world meets boy meets world meets days of our lives
and it just kills me how they get away with murder
they'll anger you then bat their eyes; those pretty eyes that watch you sympathize
and i've contrived some sort of a plan to help my fellow man
let's get emotional girls to all wear mood rings
so we'll be tipped off to when they're ticked off
cause we'll know just what they're thinking
cause what they're thinking...
she's so pretty but she but doesn't always act that way
her mood's out swinging on the swing set almost every day
she said to me that she's so stressed out that it's soothing
and all i said was "someone get that girl a mood ring"
cause when it's black (it) means watch your back because you're probably
the last person in the world right now she wants to see
and when it's blue it means that you should call her up immediately
and ask her out because she'll most likely agree
and when it's green it simply means that she is really stressed
and when it's clear it means she's completely emotionless (and that's all right i must confess)
we all know the girls that i am talking about
she liked you wednesday but now it's friday and she has to wash her hair
and it just figures that we'll never figure them out
first she's jekyll and then she's hyde....at least she makes a lovely pair
mood ring oh mood ring
oh tell me will you bring
the key to unlock this mystery
of girls and their emotions
play it back in slow motion
so i may understand the complex infrastructure known as the female mind
[speaking:]
heh...that's terrible
Saturday, July 15, 2006
Bruised
Well, it seems I was right to be worried. When we last left Aphron and Sybil, Sybil had just abruptly ended an arguement. Something totally out of character for her. For her arguements are similar to what occurred in Mogadishu with me being the Rangers trying to get out of it. Anyway, Sybil stopped wearing her ring immediately afterwards. Since we were painting Son#2's room, I thought she took it off as not to get paint on it. Wrong. She stopped wearing it because of me.
It would seem we (or I) have some deep issues that have boiling under the surface. It mainly deals with me not respecting her or her wishes. The main issue that was brought up was Las Vegas. Since we were in Vegas sans kids, I thought (expected?) wild, woolly, fun VACATION SEX (thanks FTN). The only sex that was going on was plain, saltine cracker variety the one time we engaged in it. By the third day, I was a little disappointed. That was the day I suggested some shower time fun. Sybil resisted because it was a hotel shower with no seat or anything (I haven't figured that one out). I persisted and she relented to showering together. There was not any sex and barely any foreplay. I became frustrated and angry. Boring run of the mill sex I can understand at home, but on the road without kids in a large hotel room? We had a few words. Sybil became hurt and angry that I would not respect her needs. She fears catching some disease or illness from uncleanliness. I might can understand a little of it, yet we had sex on the bed without stirring her issues. In my mind, a hotel bed is probably worse than a hotel shower. Also, Sybil mentioned my penchant for wanting sex after she has had a shower in the morning. Well, don't traipse around our bedroom naked, and I won't become aroused. Also, if that really bothered you, why do you allow me to do it? Why allow me to think it was ok until now?
Anyway, we had a running arguement that lasted three days. It was centered around my lack of respect for Sybil and her issues. For three days she would not wear her ring. On that third day, I was about ready to throw it and mine away. Then as if after a summer time storm, the wind and rain calmed. Sybil, is that you? Last night she was cuddly and affectionate. To recap, we went from, what I thought was divorce, to a loving couple in 36 hours. I'm still trying to wrap my mind around it.
I guess from now on, I won't instigate things. If I have to do all of the work anyway, why should I have to be the one to get things started? If my timing is that bad or if my lack of respect for her issues is that bad, then why wouldn't I stop trying all together? Right now, I feel very withdrawn...bruised.
It would seem we (or I) have some deep issues that have boiling under the surface. It mainly deals with me not respecting her or her wishes. The main issue that was brought up was Las Vegas. Since we were in Vegas sans kids, I thought (expected?) wild, woolly, fun VACATION SEX (thanks FTN). The only sex that was going on was plain, saltine cracker variety the one time we engaged in it. By the third day, I was a little disappointed. That was the day I suggested some shower time fun. Sybil resisted because it was a hotel shower with no seat or anything (I haven't figured that one out). I persisted and she relented to showering together. There was not any sex and barely any foreplay. I became frustrated and angry. Boring run of the mill sex I can understand at home, but on the road without kids in a large hotel room? We had a few words. Sybil became hurt and angry that I would not respect her needs. She fears catching some disease or illness from uncleanliness. I might can understand a little of it, yet we had sex on the bed without stirring her issues. In my mind, a hotel bed is probably worse than a hotel shower. Also, Sybil mentioned my penchant for wanting sex after she has had a shower in the morning. Well, don't traipse around our bedroom naked, and I won't become aroused. Also, if that really bothered you, why do you allow me to do it? Why allow me to think it was ok until now?
Anyway, we had a running arguement that lasted three days. It was centered around my lack of respect for Sybil and her issues. For three days she would not wear her ring. On that third day, I was about ready to throw it and mine away. Then as if after a summer time storm, the wind and rain calmed. Sybil, is that you? Last night she was cuddly and affectionate. To recap, we went from, what I thought was divorce, to a loving couple in 36 hours. I'm still trying to wrap my mind around it.
I guess from now on, I won't instigate things. If I have to do all of the work anyway, why should I have to be the one to get things started? If my timing is that bad or if my lack of respect for her issues is that bad, then why wouldn't I stop trying all together? Right now, I feel very withdrawn...bruised.
Monday, July 10, 2006
Sybil, Is That You?...Redux
After the last post that went into the leftfield with questions about why I stay with Sybil, I had intended to write a nice post about Sybil. After glancing through my archives, it seems that I have painted a pretty negative picture of her. So, I wanted to give a more rounded description of Sybil. I hoped that my new readers (God bless 'em) would see that she has some wonderful qualities. I mean what kind of fool stays with a woman that is such a shrew? Me.
Screw it. I can't post anything positive about her right now. Not after yesterday's little spat, which I did not precipitate. We're laying in bed watching Wedding Crashers (campy yet stupid in a fun way). The TV turned itself off (on a timer). I, playfully, fumbled with the remote trying to turn it on. Until this moment Sybil and I were sharing a moment. That disappeared. She moved to the foot of the bed and stayed out of touch. Sensing a playful moment, I tried to stretch out my toes to touch, etc. One thing led to another, and I'm on her playfully nuzzling her ear. Sybil tells me to "get off of her." No smile or anything. Fine. I get off. A few moments later, Sybil says, "you're such a jerk." Ok, fine, whatever. I say some disposable comment. Something to the effect whatever your loss. She says something to the effect of "you don't even know what I'm talking about." I leave to make coffee. As I'm making the coffee, I'm replaying the conversation. I did NOTHING wrong, yet I'm getting abused. Now the question becomes, do I confront her or leave sleeping dogs lie? I confront. Long story short (too late) she blows me off. She even laughed at me at first. She said she was joking. I explained that I'm no longer irritated but I'm pissed off. No apology or anything.
This is the same woman that turned an innocent remark into an hour screaming match, yet I have NEVER called her any name except Sybil (really). I have never laughed at her when she approached me with hurt feelings, which happens quite a lot. I find this whole episode to be quite demeaning. Although I may have a hard time expressing my feelings, do not make it harder by belittling them. I can handle name calling in the heat of the moment. Although I do not remember calling her any derogatory names, being called "asshole" is meaningless to me. Yep, I can be one. However, this case goes beyond the pale.
I apologize fellow bloggers. I had really hoped to paint a more positive picture of Sybil. Right now I cannot. Why do I stay? That is a good question. Off of the top of my head these are the reasons:
**UPDATE** Sybil and I had a long conversation last night about what happened Sunday. Instead of apologizing for demeaning my feelings, she took the time to outline how much of a jerk I really am. Some of the stuff I've blogged about (what happened in Vegas was brought up, mainly). Other stuff I haven't. She had some points that were legitamite. The problem is she warmed up past arguements to defend her position that I'm a jerk. She asked me did I love her and if so what did I do to show it besides going to work everday? I listed: dealing with kids every morning so she could sleep in, not critizing her for her failure of housekeeping duties, helping her on her various projects at church (she has a whole committee, yet I get to help), etc. The fight ended abruptly with her apologizing for calling me a jerk (not for demeaning my feelings) and apologizing for starting the fight. This was totally out of character. Now I'm really worried.
Screw it. I can't post anything positive about her right now. Not after yesterday's little spat, which I did not precipitate. We're laying in bed watching Wedding Crashers (campy yet stupid in a fun way). The TV turned itself off (on a timer). I, playfully, fumbled with the remote trying to turn it on. Until this moment Sybil and I were sharing a moment. That disappeared. She moved to the foot of the bed and stayed out of touch. Sensing a playful moment, I tried to stretch out my toes to touch, etc. One thing led to another, and I'm on her playfully nuzzling her ear. Sybil tells me to "get off of her." No smile or anything. Fine. I get off. A few moments later, Sybil says, "you're such a jerk." Ok, fine, whatever. I say some disposable comment. Something to the effect whatever your loss. She says something to the effect of "you don't even know what I'm talking about." I leave to make coffee. As I'm making the coffee, I'm replaying the conversation. I did NOTHING wrong, yet I'm getting abused. Now the question becomes, do I confront her or leave sleeping dogs lie? I confront. Long story short (too late) she blows me off. She even laughed at me at first. She said she was joking. I explained that I'm no longer irritated but I'm pissed off. No apology or anything.
This is the same woman that turned an innocent remark into an hour screaming match, yet I have NEVER called her any name except Sybil (really). I have never laughed at her when she approached me with hurt feelings, which happens quite a lot. I find this whole episode to be quite demeaning. Although I may have a hard time expressing my feelings, do not make it harder by belittling them. I can handle name calling in the heat of the moment. Although I do not remember calling her any derogatory names, being called "asshole" is meaningless to me. Yep, I can be one. However, this case goes beyond the pale.
I apologize fellow bloggers. I had really hoped to paint a more positive picture of Sybil. Right now I cannot. Why do I stay? That is a good question. Off of the top of my head these are the reasons:
- The children. I have three of them. They mean everything to me. I would rather suffer than potentially lose them through divorce.
- Promises. I made a promise to Sybil, myself, and the state I live in to stay married. Since it was a civil ceremony, does that count as a promise to God? Probably. Doesn't matter. I try to do the honorable thing. Leaving a wife and children, to me, is dishonorable.
- Financial ruin. I am lucky enough to earn enough money to support us fairly comfortably. We want for little. In a divorce situation, that would change. Too many stories of men being financially ruined in a divorce scare the heeby-jeebies out of me.
- Fear of failure. I have a strong fear of failing. To me divorce would mean failing. The marriage would have failed.
- Deep down, deep, deep down I still love Sybil. I know that, for all of her flaws, she was given to me for a reason. Bad kharma, maybe? Anyway, she has made some positive changes in me not just bitterness.
**UPDATE** Sybil and I had a long conversation last night about what happened Sunday. Instead of apologizing for demeaning my feelings, she took the time to outline how much of a jerk I really am. Some of the stuff I've blogged about (what happened in Vegas was brought up, mainly). Other stuff I haven't. She had some points that were legitamite. The problem is she warmed up past arguements to defend her position that I'm a jerk. She asked me did I love her and if so what did I do to show it besides going to work everday? I listed: dealing with kids every morning so she could sleep in, not critizing her for her failure of housekeeping duties, helping her on her various projects at church (she has a whole committee, yet I get to help), etc. The fight ended abruptly with her apologizing for calling me a jerk (not for demeaning my feelings) and apologizing for starting the fight. This was totally out of character. Now I'm really worried.
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