Wednesday, April 11, 2007

Dealing with Anger

so gone over you made an astute observation:
But seriously, if Sybil acts this way, somewhere along the line, YOU allowed it. People only treat you the way you allow them to.


I would agree that I enabled Sybil's bad behavior. When her vitriol is directed at me, I seem to have my shields down. After 14 years of marriage I, her verbal body blows seem to catch unprepared. I find myself reacting to her. My past mistake was not calling her on how she shows her anger. That was then.

I still have a lot of work to do in the arena of marital combat. However, I have started calling Sybil on her behavior. By doing this, I hope to be able to "nip it in the bud." I am not always successful. Being from a long line of avoiders, confrontation is not my strong suit. Confronting a volatile personality is even more difficult.

Sybil has started being more in control of her reactions. That is not to say that she is perfect, but it does mean that our conflicts are more of a small conflagration rather than a full blown smack down. I have also learned methods to help diffuse the situation. If she makes a coherent case for being angry with me, I'll apologize quicker than before. If she is just angry to be angry, then I do not respond.

11 comments:

FTN said...

Perhaps we should schedule an Avoiders Conference. You and Digger and Autumn can all sit in a room in awkward silence.

aphron said...

No, we wouldn't be silent. We just wouldn't talk about our problems.

Anonymous said...

Interesting how reactions change over the years. Because of my parents dynamic (Mom a yeller, Dad passive until provoked) Queenie and I fell into similar patterns. After a couple years of that my response has changed and I find, somewhat like you, that I am quicker to close it down.
- Apologize when appropriate
- Disagree when necessary
- Deflect where indicated

The last was key for me as Queenie was often just happy to be angry. Thusly I respond "go yell at so-an-so", the supposed target of her anger, and I'm done. And I know she'll never yell at so-an-so because I'm the only one she's comfortable yelling at.

The first sometimes just makes her madder ... for a moment ... because sometimes she just wants a chance to vent and, again, she'll only yell at me.

aphron, just curious (personal research and all), does Sybil go after primarily you, or is she one who is not afraid to take on anyone?

aphron said...

Mainly me. I've learned that she has to vent she has to vent her spleen. Apologizing isn't enough. I tend to just take it. If she is having a bad day, the kids have given her problems, etc., I have come to expect some kind of a fight. Of course, there is always the surprise attack.

Interesting that your parents sound like my parents. Mom was yeller. She would yell and pitch a fit at the drop of the hat. Dad would learn to avoid her (apple doesn't fall too far from the tree). I wouldn't know what it's like to live with a non-volatile personality.

Satan said...

I think you're internalizing her issues too much. Calling Sybil on her bad behavior shouldn't be about 'nipping it in the bud" or trying to change how she acts.
It's about you, and what you will deal with and what sort of behavior gets a reaction from you. I think you're absolutely right to ignore her when she acts like an angsty teenager. You aren't her verbal punching bag.

This type of thing resonates a lot for me, because I can see myself acting exactly like Sybil if someone gave me the chance. If someone does a doormat impression right in front of me, I would be happy to walk all over them.

Andy said...

It amazes me the way a relationship changes and grows over time.

Anonymous said...

Wow, interesting, you answered my next question which is what about your parent's dynamic. Do you know any of her parents dynamic?

The interesting thing I've found is that Queenie often does not recognize when she's yelling. She comes from loud-speaking stock to begin with and seldom realizes when she's crossed the line from speaking to yelling. Oh wait, then how does she manage to only yell when with me? Hmm, I'm going to have to think about that. But the point is, when I call her on it and ask why she's yelling at me when she's mad at so-an-so her usual reply is "I wasn't yelling" and it takes a minute for her to realize she was, in fact, yelling.

Funny (or not so funny) story: many years ago, the first time I chided her for yelling at me in front of the girls, Queenie replied she wasn't yelling. Sensible and Oddkin, in chorus, both said "yes you were". She shot a look at them that would have melted a bulk-head. Then realized what she had done and fell over laughing 'cuz, that once, she realized how ridiculous the whole thing was. Ahh memories. Every time I see the scars on their foreheads I'm reminded of that moment. :)

P.S.- On the loud-talking thing, the daughters and I have a secret joke we keep from Queenie. Anywhere we go we know exactly where Queenie is because she talks so loud you can hear her from afar. "Where's Mom? Just follow the flying words." Well, it makes us laugh. Really, it's funny. Trust me.

aphron said...

satan-
I have created the monster by not calling her on her behavior. Undoing 14 years of allowing it to happen will take time.

andy-
Relationships, like people, change over time. Sadly, many change for the worse, hence the 50% divorce rate.

xi summitt-
Maybe Sybil and Queenie are sisters? I'm from a loud family, BUT her family is truly unbelievable. They talk very loudly. We have had discussions about yelling. I tell her that she is yelling. She'll say she isn't. I need some witnesses.

Anonymous said...

Maybe, you live anywhere near the Rockies? Queenie's got a sister out in Colorado who's the 'quiet' one. Now when Queenie and her brother are in the same place, pass the ear plugs.

And no, I won't be your witness. Last time I played that gig I got a week of the silent treatment ..... 'cuz she doesn't yell!

Emily said...

I think it is very wise of you not to respond when her anger is unjustified.

I believe there is a form of behaviour modification called "extinguishment", ie if you don't want someone to behave a certain way, you just ignore them when they do it, so the behaviour isn't reinforced by getting a reaction.

I understand there is another side to it, which is to "catch them being good" - give attention and praise when they are behaving the way you would like, so that they learn to get your attention in positive ways instead of negatives ways.

Anonymous said...

You've got your hands full, that is for sure.