*WARNING* Long, possibly disorganized post.
One of the things I have not posted about is my relationship with my church, specifically its pastor. I'll call him CH. CH has been the pastor of my church for over two years. As an United Methodist, we tend to change pastors regularly. We were fairly regular attendees for a number of years at this church. We may not have gone EVERY Sunday, but we attended more often than not. This all changed last late Fall/Winter. CH's son, who kind of drifted from one thing to another, joined the Marines and was shipping out one Sunday afternoon. On that particular Sunday, CH spent most of the worship service tearing up and talking about his son leaving. He called people up to the altar to offer up prayer for his son. It was rather creepy; I felt like I was at a funeral. Also, it was rather narcissistic; he took most of the service not talking about God or Christianity but talking about his son. It's not like the church hadn't already had an event for his son the day before. It turned me off from going to worship service.
About this time my work became exceedingly hectic with Sybil and me working long hours in my office. With our kids having many activities, hectic work, and the above story, Sunday service became less important. We, essentially, quit going to service and would rarely go to Sunday school. We went from being regular attendees to rare attendees. Apparently, CH noticed this. Instead of calling us and asking what was wrong as a good leader (aka. shepherd) should, he asked, "Is Aphron and Sybil doing ok?" Insuating that we were on the skids. This floated around and got back to the youth. We heard about it and had to have a frank conversation with our children (Son#1 is/was in youth). So instead of trying to bring back a lost sheep, our shephard busily engaged in rumor mongering. That killed our desire to go to church. Add Son#2's baseball schedule in late Winter through Spring/early Summer, we stopped attending altogether.
Now, Sybil has been the chair of Christian Education for over 6 years. She has worked with 3 program directors and 2 pastors. Due to scheduling, she missed one meeting (I went as her proxy) and wasn't going to church. When Son #2's baseball finally ended, the first thing she did was to call the program director (PD) and work on scheduling a meeting and an agenda. PD informed Sybil that the committee was being dissolved and folded into another committee due to lack of attendence. Sybil was quite surprised because this was the first she had heard of this. If she hadn't called PD, she still would not know. Needless to say, Sybil was very disturbed by this, so she scheduled a meeting with CH. Apparently, she was last to find out. That's a funny thing, when one is the chairperson.
Sybil and myself met with CH 4 days ago to try and clear up the situation. Sybil was confused as what her role would be in the church. I expressed that I thought PD could have done a better job of communicating with Sybil about something this important. No sooner had I said it than PD barged in, uninvited, to our meeting. She became quite defensive, started attacking Sybil, and basically making a nuisance of herself. The whole time CH engaged in "naval gazing". He never said a word. I asked PD to excuse herself, which she promptly ignored. It was only that PD felt that she had exhausted herself that made her leave. Stunned silence ensued. We asked CH about why the door wasn't closed to which he replied that it was "against the law." Sybil had scheduled the meeting after hours, so the sudden appearance of PD was a shock. I tried to keep the conversation going and focus on the lack of communication our church as a whole has. Sybil expressed that she was quite shocked at what PD had done. She felt attacked. No sooner had she said this, when PD, again, barged in and started her attack on Sybil. Again, CH studied his naval. This was too much.
We never resolved what we had come to do. We had the issues I laid out above to discuss, but we never made it to those topics because of PD's attitude. I told CH that PD's behaviour was rude and unprofessional. I told CH that he needs to talk to PD and reign her in. Since there was to a committee meeting in two days, I asked CH to schedule a meeting with Sybil, PD, and himself to iron this situation. He agreed.
The next day Sybil appeared at the appointed meeting time. Only CH was attendance. He told her that PD would not be coming due to that situation being between PD and Sybil. He, instead, focused on Sybil's lack attendance and asked her to resign from her chair. Sybil, naturally, was surprised (who ever heard of a volunteer being fired). She thought the meeting was about PD's behaviour. Again, Sybil was ambushed and attacked. After talking with CH for nearly 45 minutes, she decided it was futile to continue the conversation and excused herself.
I'll try to shorten this long, meandering post. Sybil did attend the Christian education meeting. It was a productive meeting. She and PD had words after the meeting. Several people, including CH, stood outside the room to eavesdrop. CH got a good look at his naval. Since no one can win an arguement with Sybil, PD admitted her behaviour was out of bounds. The next day Sybil decided this BS wasn't worth it and resigned her chair.
This is why people have a negative view towards church and church goers. Righteousness is a grand thing. It, apparently, has a switch to be turned on and off at will. We are still grappling with these events and trying to decide our next course of action. Sybil wants me to let it go. That is out of character for her. It did take a toll (she lost a lot of sleep). I'm not sure what to do. I feel that I must confront CH and demand his apology to Sybil and myself. If none is forthcoming, I feel that my next course of action is drafting a letter to the District Superintendent, the Bishop, and the Staff/Parish relations committee. Sybil is adamant that I should let it go. I am so pissed off at CH. To top it off, I have two children that need baptizing, but I refuse to let this ungodly person do the honors. Sybil wants us to withdraw from going to service and focus on Sunday School. Right now, all I can do is go to God in prayer and hope the answer is forthcoming.
11 comments:
If it were me that kind of thing would be enough to send me looking for another church. But that's just me, and I suppose it depends a lot on how you feel your children's spiritual education and nurturing are in your current church. I would probably continue membership if they were doing well there, only for their sake.
It is sad that pastors and church lay leaders so often seem to abuse their positions rather than seeing themselves as servants of God. No God I would ever worship would smile upon such behavior as you've described.
Goodness!
I can't believe how the church has become so much like the government or the corporate world. Anyway I'm with you on escalating the issue...their attention has to be called. After all, these people are not the church!
Ah, I can feel the love. There's so much I could say here, but I don't even know where to start.
I'll baptize your kids in a lake or backyard pool if you want. I suspect that's what I'll do with mine if they want to get baptized in a few years.
trueself-
That was my first reaction: change churches. We figured that was giving in. Instead, we'll reassess our options. We'll probably continue to go to Sunday school, but we'll forego worship service.
mariposa-
Sybil is not prepared to take on the pastor on her own. Although I would be there with her, she feels the fallout would be more than she can handle. What she plans to do is kind a guerrilla campaign of telling everyone exactly what happened. I doubt that will work either. Unless a large number of parishioners are agreement, she will not be the only one to take action.
ftn-
Exactly. I figure I'm as holy as this pastor. I don't remember the Bible saying that only ordained ministers may baptize.
I had to come back to this post because it's a fascinating case-study in what our churches have become.
This seems like an INSTITUTION. A political party. Or, maybe, like a bunch of high school or college kids on the student council or something. I don't know, but it doesn't sound like (to steal a phrase from my friend Desmond) "right relationships of brotherly love."
Church is supposed to be the ekklesia, the people of God, the fellowship of the believers, loving and living together. We've turned it into a building and a staff and a bunch of committees and a once-per-week "service."
How on earth did we fall so far off the tracks?
(Don't take this as a jab at you, just what we've done to the whole church-institution in general.)
Being in a similar place the only thing I can say is to not commit the same sin that CH did against you, i.e. please don't follow Sybil's advice to strike up the rumor mill against the Pastor/PD. Strive to keep your own conduct pure.
ftn-
This kind of thing turns people off from church and, possibly, turns people away from God. Actually, it reaffirms what I've always known (albeit on a more esoteric level): church is a man-made institution.
xavier-
Our plan isn't to spread rumors, but we will tell our side of the story. We have nothing to hide and nothing to lose. We won't be going to the higher-ups or anything. However, we will tell anyone that brings up the subject exactly what happened.
My concern there is her plan might work against her as you know some people tend to favor "authority" and in this case the pastor seems to have it.
Anyway I wish you and Sybil the best...hopefully it gets sort out soon. I can just imagine the stress.
my father told me once in one of my younger rebellions, that the "church survives not BECAUSE of the people in it, but IN SPITE of them". Although speaking of Catholicism, I think it appropriate here too.
I agree that I would keep the rumour to a minimum -in fact unless someone asked directly, I think I would just not speak of it- but keep my dignity and keep doing what I wish to be doing;
but then, again, like Trueself and a few others, I would probably look for another church as well.
Certaintly, if the rumour mongering was such that your children heard it, I think in truth that this is far too serious just to ignore - but requies a visit perhaps to the authorities above him.
selkie-
I'll be posting a follow-up, when able.
Just to glom on...
The pastor and the district superintendent probably play golf or bridge together. You're not going to get very far there.
As for your kids, the best Christian educators in their lives are YOU and Sybil. Heck, you got the ex-chair of Christian education right there! Letting them (the kids) in on what is going on and involving them in the decision-making process could reap tremendous dividends for all of you as a family. Sure, you as the parents have final say, but this is a big teaching opportunity that surpasses anything offered in that building on Sunday morning.
The sad thing is this: if you go looking and find another church, you'll likely end up seeing the same thing. Church congregations have discovered that it is easier recruiting new members than it is serving and keeping existing disgruntled ones. Hence memberships are in continuous flux as people hop around.
Like you, I find that the Sunday school offers a richer worship and community experience because it is not centered on professional clergy. It's about the community and relationships. I rarely attend the service. I can hear better sermons through iTunes on my mp3 on the ride home.
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