Sunday, May 21, 2017

Gaslighting

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.  Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres."
- Apostle Paul's letter to the Corinthians

One of the things I've come to realize over the years is that Sybil is amazing at gaslighting.  At first I thought it was a form of projection.  Projection is
Psychological projection is a theory in psychology in which humans defend themselves against their own unconscious impulses or qualities by denying their existence in themselves while attributing them to others. 
I think she uses both.  I do not think she is really capable of love.  If the definition of love is "always kind", "does not boast", "not easily angered", "keeps no record of wrongs", and  "always trusts", then she does not love me.

As I try to cope with the grief of coming out of the FOG, it has become clear that Sybil has superficial feelings.  Except one thing: hers.  If she feels ignored, she comes "unglued".  To her this means she marginalized and does not matter.  Therefore, she is not loved.

Funny thing...Sybil accuses me of not knowing what love is.  For her, love is putting her on a pedestal and only thinking of her.  I must always shine the spotlight on her.  If she does not feel that she is the center of my universe, then she is triggered.  The fun begins.

The combination of gaslighting and projection kept me off guard for so many years.  I feel so stupid.  As I was coming out of the FOG on my own (mainly Obligation), I was starting to have a thought experiment of divorce.  With the little one, that cannot happen for a long time.  Now I wonder if a combination of OCPD (she created a rule that no one can be surgically fixed...despite my begging to be) and probable love bombing we have a three year old.  Anyway, Sybil may be right about whether or not I know what love is, but I know she does not know what it is either.

2 Comments:

At 5/25/2017 04:55:00 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

The entitlement PD's feel can be off the charts. A PD thinks nothing of their expectations/demands for a partner to lie down so the PD can walk all over them -- only to then have the audacity to bitch that you're not flat enough. Because it never is "enough". There is no pleasing, appeasing or fixing the PD'S insatiable need to suck your soul. That's why building clear and present boundaries with the PD is so critical. Give them an inch and they'll take a mile, and before you know it you're sucked dry....

In any case, PD's do often harbor many deep-seated and irrational 'Fears of Abandonment', which can lead to all kinds of freaking out and questionable behavior on their parts (think of the classic Borderline example, Alex, of the film Fatal Attraction, and her (in)famous: "I'm not gonna be IGNORED, Dan....!" line ). Regarding your wife, she doesn't neccessarily sound Borderline, but I do wonder if 'FoA ' is at the root of this particular insecurity of hers, which then gets expressed in pure unadulterated Rage. Of course there's no way to know for sure. All I do know for sure, is that as fearful, needy and afraid as these people are of being "abandoned", their erratic, rabid, combative and offputting behavior pretty much makes it assured, in some sort of weird self-fulfilling prophecy, that indeed they WILL be abandoned. Eventually, one way or another, as they methodically drive everyone away. Oh the irony. Tragic really.

 
At 5/31/2017 05:31:00 AM, Blogger aphron said...

I definitely feel less connected. Sybil has killed my desire to even be in the same room with her. She accuses me of "not being there", which is true. I find myself drifting away, mentally. I've been doing it so long that I don't know that I'm doing it. I guess so many try to just maintain a semblance of sanity, when living with a PD person.

 

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