As I approach the magical age of 50, I look back and would like to just kick my ass. I have reached the age where I'm looking backwards more than I'm looking forwards. So many decisions led to me to this point in my life. There were opportunities for a deep, loving relationship that I pissed away for one reason or another. I am left with my time with Sybil which seems to have been marked by constant strife with intermittent moments of happiness. When things are going well, she seems to find a way to ruin it. Naturally, it is never her fault.
My approaching existential crisis is: why continue? I'm not depressed or anything. I'm just tired. I'm tired of Sybil's petty arguments; I'm tired of her constant negativity to me; I'm tired of her constant criticism with nothing positive to add. Let's face it...I'm tired. I need to create some space between us or I'm going to go insane. In some way, that is why I started this blog so many years ago. I felt prompted to poor out by problems and document them. Now, I feel that I am coming to hate her; I am coming to hate myself for staying.
Ultimately, this situation is all mine. While I can blame Sybil for her issues (probable narcissistic personality disorder?), I am the one with a strong sense of obligation (co-dependence?). I am the one that stayed. I subconsciously knew there was something off about her a long time ago. (Side note: when we fairly newly married, our oldest was only a few month old. I had an aquarium with fish that I had previous to our marriage. Sybil got it in her head that the fish would make the baby sick, and we needed to get rid of the fish. I knew there were no-fish-to-human diseases and did not think too much of it. One day I came home to find my fish gone and my aquarium half empty.) I knew then something was wrong with her. I passed it off as some sort of cultural thing. I really thought it was no big deal. I convinced myself to stay because we had a child, then another child, and then another one. Ironically, I was the very early stages of preparing myself to leave, and my strong sense of obligation worked against me when we had our fourth child.
Therefore, I really have no one to blame for this continual hell that is our marriage. We have strife punctuated my moments of happiness. Anyway, I am working on myself to get through the darkness. I am working to create a firewall for my heart to keep her out. Sadness grips me as I type this. She is my wife; I am not supposed to feel this way. Alas, I do not plan on leaving. If she left, I would not be heart broken.
Therefore, I really have no one to blame for this continual hell that is our marriage. We have strife punctuated my moments of happiness. Anyway, I am working on myself to get through the darkness. I am working to create a firewall for my heart to keep her out. Sadness grips me as I type this. She is my wife; I am not supposed to feel this way. Alas, I do not plan on leaving. If she left, I would not be heart broken.
2 comments:
You've got to do what you've got to do to survive an untenable situation, which is what marriage to a PD is. Shore up your boundaries. Focus on yourself, and your own self care. Focus on your little boy. If your wife gets a little left behind in the process of figuring out what you need to keep yourself sane within your PD marriage, it is OK. It doesn't make you a bad husband -- just a human one. She's not going to change, therefore you must change -- there is no other way. Do what you can/must to keep yourself from sliding too far into misery and despair. Everyone deserves a little peace of mind.
Thanks for your comment. I've been really, really blaming myself for the situation I am in. While Sybil may be the catalyst, my reactions and lack of setting boundaries has allowed the abuse to continue. Although I am putting boundaries in place, I am pretty sure it's too little too late. At this point, I just want it to be over. I have resigned myself that this is as good as it will get.
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