Dump her. Having to make her own living for a year might get her to pull her head out of her ass and be grateful. Or at least get her to act more mature than a 5-year-old.
Actually, my 5-year-old acts more mature than she just did.
Well, Anon, it isn't as if that thought hasn't crossed my mind from time to time. I'm thinking that he/she hasn't read my previous posts, nor my "Posts of Note." That's ok, because most of us don't do that with a new (to us) blog. I have brought up this question before. I have posed this question to myself from time-to-time. Why do any of us stay in a marriage that seems rocky? In comparison to some I read about, mine actually seems pretty good. Actually, if not for the petty bickering, it's really good.
For awhile on this blog, I referred to my wife as the Wife. As I wrote, read what I wrote, and thought extensively about her, I decided a new moniker was needed: Sybil. Sybil was the character played by Sally Fields. This was the supposedly true story of a person with multiple personalities. Early in our marriage, I would laughingly call my wife "Sybil" to her face. She tends to be emotionally labile. For someone like myself who tends not to display emotion, overt emotional displays are difficult to handle. Fortunately, the tempest that blows the hardest tends to wind itself down the fastest.
Now the question at hand: divorce. I hate divorce. Looking outside in, it seems that divorce creates nearly as many problems as it possibly solves. Divorced couples are still having to deal with the other person. If there was anger and resentment before divorce, just wait until afterwards. Throw in a long, drawn out divorce proceeding, and there will be no survivors. I'm sure with Sybil there would be a long, difficult divorce. Hell hath no fury like Sybil scorned. The end result, I'm sure, would be two people that can't stand each other, children that are alienated and think they have to choose sides, and financial ruin.
Would I be happier after a divorce? Obviously, I can't really say. Despite all of Sybil's warts, I don't want to find out. I'm mature enough to know that there is no perfect someone. The only enticement to divorce is the peace. That peace and quiet does come once a year, when she and the kids visit her family for a week. It's nice for awhile, but absence makes the heart grow fonder. I find myself missing her and the children. After a divorce, I would not have my children around me as much. That would be too painful to bear.
In the end no marriage is perfect. Although my parents warned me that being married took an incredible effort, nothing can prepare someone for it. Experiencing marriage and living full time with someone is indescribable. No one is easy to live with after a life time. One has to make accommodations with their spouse, or there is nothing but stress and unhappiness. If Sybil left me (she has threatened on occasion), I would survive. Who knows; I might be happier? That has to be her decision. If she chooses to go down that dark path, I'll be saddened and wondering what I could have done differently (after 13 years, probably many things). However, I will not lay on the floor in the fetal position. I've never quit anything in my life. I'll not start now.
5 comments:
Very Well Said.
I continue to find it amazing how people can just oversimplify life situations as if the "easy" answer was just never considered.
I think anyone that would randomly say "dump her" has probably never been married.
You even pointed out that, aside from the petty bickering, your marriage is really good. So it's just a matter of working on avoiding that whole 'petty bickering' issue, and being glad about the other things that are so good.
Although I'm sure on many occasions the bickering doesn't seem so petty.
Congratulations to you, Aphron, for being a real grown-up. Life, and marriage, are never perfect
My comments on Molly's and my bliss notwithstanding, our marriage ain't perfect, either. Wonderful as she is, there are still things about her that annoy me, and that I wish I didn't have to deal with. Such is life, and a grown-up can handle that.
(Oh, and just for the record, hard as it may seem to believe, I'm even less perfect than Molly is; just for the record.)
Divorce doesn't create almost as many problems as it solves - it creates more problems than it solves. Especially when there are kids.
Maggie Gallagher has written quite a lot about the 'good-enough' marriage - falling short of transcendent bliss, but still life-giving to its inhabitants, and with the potential for better things to come. And you understand that, Aphron. For which I congratulate you.
all-
Thank you for your thoughts. During the low times, my kids and my kids help me realize that this is a journey. Sometimes, though, it isn't easy.
I just deleted a comment from "Chris" from edenfantasy.com. After going to the site, I discovered it was for sex toys, etc. Now, I'm not a prude, but Sybil's and my sex life is the least of our problems. Commenting is open to anyone, but I will decide whether or not to leave it up. I would rather comments be substantive and pertinent to the post.
Back to regularly scheduled blogging.
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