Monday, September 20, 2010

This Sums It All Up

Her Diary:

Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We
had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for
dinner. I was shopping with my friends all day long,
so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a
bit late, but he made no comment on it. Conversation
wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere
quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say
much. I asked him what was wrong; He said, 'Nothing.'
I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He
said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with
me, and not to worry about it. On the way home, I
told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and
kept driving. I can't explain his behavior I don't
know why he didn't say, 'I love you, too.' When we
got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as
if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just
sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to
seem distant and absent. Finally, with silence all
around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes
later, he came to bed. To my surprise, he responded
to my caress, and we made love. But I still felt that
he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere
else. He fell asleep - I cried. I don't know what to
do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with
someone else. My life is a disaster.

His Diary:

Boat wouldn't start, can't figure it out, at least I
got laid.

Wednesday, September 08, 2010

Again...I'm Not Dead

Well, not yet!

I've taken some time off to try to focus on the problems with my marriage. I wish I could say this hiatus has been helpful. It wasn't. Sybil is still Sybil. She still screams at me; she still uses abusive language; she still does not censor what she says or how she says it in front of our kids. I really thought that being thoughtful and trying to listen would help. I really thought that quicker apologies for the slightest misstep would defuse the situation. Boy, was I stupid!

Now? I just want out. I don't want to be married to her anymore. I'm tired of her screaming fits. I'm tired of her rage. I'm tired of always having to police what I say or do, yet she knows no bounds in her biting rhetoric. I'm tired of her trying to control every aspect of my life. I just want out. I'm tired.

I'm renaming our marriage the "Zombie Marriage." It isn't dead nor is it alive. It just plods along. Neither of us want to be the one to call it quits. Neither wanting to be the one that left the committed relationship. Neither wants to be branded a quitter. However, if she asked for a divorce, I don't think I would try to stop her. I'm so tired of it all.

Some have noted that she may have Borderline Personality Disorder. She may. I don't care. Her fits of rage over the most trivial of situation; her fits of rage that escalate every situation far beyond what is needed; and her fits of rage are more than any sane person can take. If I were to tell those that know us socially what she's like, they would not understand. Sybil is very good at having one persona in public and quite another in private. In public, people perceive her as helpful and nice, but in private she is quite the opposite. She's volatile.

I blame myself, ironically enough. I'm the one that allowed this to continue for these 17 years. I'm the one that did not set boundaries. I hoped that ignoring it would quiet things. Nope. My allowing it to continue only emboldened her. I believe the term is enabling. I have enabled her bad behavior by not calling her out on it. Like the petulant child, forcing her to see herself only makes her resent me more. After all, she wouldn't have to yell and verbally abuse me, if I didn't do X,Y, or Z. Typical abuser.

I'm ready to get off of this co-dependent carousel. I'm ready for this ride to stop. Hold on, though, it'll get bumpy before it gets smooth.