Thursday, February 15, 2018

Things May be Coming to a Head

So this has been a week from Hell.  Sybil has been the same; I am acting differently.  I have grown tired of being treated rudely with snarky comments and rude behavior.  She talks to me worse than she would talk to anyone else in the world.  I am tired of it.  I have started calling her out on it.  Two episodes this week where she was being rude and snarky to me.  Each ended the same way: she stomped off.  The first one was the ol' classic "you are making me treat you this way" schtick.  When I called her out, she literally said, "I would not treat you this way, if you did not frustrate me".  She she stomped off in a huff.  No apology, no admission, no cooling off so we could have a real conversation.  Nope.  Just left me there.  On the second one, she simply looked through me spun around and stomped off to another room.  Again, no admission of guilt...I mean I made her do it by "frustrating her".

I just do not think I care anymore.  I am too tired of it.  Last night I did instigate an argument because I just am over it.  I have too much anger and resentment.  See, I understand we are human and we make mistakes.  I understand people can be frustrated and act out.  I have no beef with that.  What I am angry about is the total lack of respect Sybil has for me.  I brought this up to her as to why I am angry and hurt.  Her response?  I do the same things.  On the surface that is a true statement.  I have had a "tone" or used the wrong words in moments of frustration.  The difference is I tend to own it and try to deescalate the situation.  Sybil?  Nope.  It ALWAYS someone else's fault.

The funny thing is during the argument Sybil kept saying "I can't do this anymore."  Meaning she can't continue fighting.  With the exception of last night and a very few other times, I do not create and extend the arguments.  Last night?  Yeah, I was upset.  I wanted to argue.  I wanted to revel in the anger.  Feast on the pain. 

I grow tired of living with this emotionally stunted "adult".  There is no resolution to any of this and there never will be.  Sybil lacks the capacity to see me for anything other than an object.  Something that has utility to her.  Whenever she decides I am no longer useful, I am sure that she will cast me aside.

Sunday, February 04, 2018

Quote Sums Up our Marriage

‘The demand of the loveless and the self-imprisoned that they should be allowed to blackmail the universe: that till they consent to be happy (on their own terms) no one else shall taste joy: that theirs should be the final power; that Hell should be able to veto Heaven.’

The Great Divorce
C.S. Lewis

Sybil is progressively worsening.  Now, she has always been difficult to deal with, especially a couple of days before her period.  Not always, but that is when we have the most drama.  Last week was no exception.

Since we work together, Sybil and have to put together products to sell.  There is a machine that I use to cut things that go into making these products.  On a particular day, I finished all of the orders that were in front of me.  As we were nearing the end of the day, I decided to turn the machine off.  Turning it off and on is merely a flip of a switch.  Not a big deal...or so I thought.

Later that day, Sybil made the comment that I should have informed her that I was turning the machine off.  I explained why I turned it off and added that it is no big deal to, simply, turn it back on.  As Sybil does, she indicated that my lack of communication is the hallmark problem in our marriage.  That I just want to be a "one man show".  I told her that it is nothing to turn the machine on, if needed.  She pressed on.  Finally, I stated that her reaction makes me feel that she wants to control me, and stifle my ability to think for myself.  Yet, Sybil persisted.  Noticing that Sybil did not even break stride over my feelings, did not address my feelings, nor acted in way that even heard my feelings, I realized that she setting me up for JADEing and circular arguments.  I decided to let her rant and keep my mouth shut, as there is nothing to gain.  Finally, I stated that next time I can (not will) inform her.

The next morning Sybil is acting detached, as I am preparing to go to the office.  As I am leaving, she asks me if I want to know what is wrong.  Knowing that this is not going to be fun, I say sure.  She proceeds to restart the previous day's argument about turning off the machine means I don't take her into consideration.  I am so angry with so many emotions going on, that I spontaneously start laughing.  I cannot help it.  The ridiculousness of the situation hits me so hard that I cannot even speak; I just start laughing.  In doing so, I find that Sybil hates that more than be ignored.  She tells me to go to hell.  I leave.  She chases me to continue ranting.  I finally extricate myself and go to the office.

As I am pulling up, I get a text message stating that Sybil is packing her bags, taking Son#3 and leaving.  I reply something about that is mistake, yes I should not have laughed because that was rude.  However, leaving would solve any problems and may create more of them.  Yada yada.  Still trying to talk her down.

At the end of the day, Sybil informs me that she is taking Son#3 to a hotel.  She has packed her bag.  Again, I have to talk her down.  She did have a bag packed and was ready to go.  I managed to keep her from leaving.

Why did keep her from leaving?  A few reasons.  I don't want the house.  It is not a bad house, just more than I need or want.  If she left, I was concerned that I would be stuck with it.  Also, Son#3 is paramount.  I want him to have as normal of an upbringing as possible.  I realize that is not possible with a crazy mother.  Whether Sybil Narcissistic Personality Disorder or bi-polar or just crazy does not matter.  Being there for me son is reason #1 for trying to keep us together.  Lastly, God hates divorce.  I made a solemn vow, and I will do everything in my power to uphold that vow.  If Sybil chooses to leave and break her vow, then that is on her.  I will not do it.

Anyway more of the same.  If I want to keep the peace, I have to make Sybil feel that she is the center of my universe.  She has such emptiness and relies on others to fill it.