Saturday, April 28, 2018

Do you know what 'Nemesis' means?

Do you know what "nemesis" means? A righteous infliction of retribution manifested by an appropriate agent."

I have come to the conclusion that Sybil is my punishment because of my past hubris.  I was "intemperate" in my youth.  While not necessarily thought of myself above everyone else, I did have a bit of a superiority contest.  God has sent Sybil to me bring me down.  In the coming week, I will attempt to quantify the negative vs. positive feedback I get.  Negative will be anything from controlling my behavior (trying to parent me) to outright lashing out.  Positive will be a touch or a word that is...well...positive.  It will be interesting to see what the results are.

On another note, I have come to the realization that I was "groomed" to be in this situation.  Growing up with my mother was not easy.  In a weird Freudian sense, I blame her for a lot of my issues today.  Lots of "whuppin's" and crass, crude comments.  As a young child of 4, I had to learn to take care of myself.  As the years rolled by, I was yelled at and to some degree neglected.  Since I've started to come out of the FOG, I've realized how much I endured.  Does a fish know it's in water kind of a thing.

Anyway, I may become a bit more introspective in addition to documenting Sybil.  I need to ask the question of "how did I get here?" and "what now?"

Friday, April 13, 2018

It Was My Birthday...Again

Well, yesterday was my birthday.  I'm one year before a milestone birthday.  It was disappointing, again.  I really shouldn't even care.  I try not to care.  I try to maintain low expectations.  To her credit, Sybil started the day off on a good foot by singing ""Happy Birthday" in the same manner as Marilyn Monroe to JFK.  Pretty good.  The kids text me happy birthday.  Parents sent a card.

That was it.

My birthday present from Sybil was a sandwhich from Chik-Fil-A.  As I was taking Son #3 home, she asked me to bake the cake I bought for his birthday, which was the day before.  I guess I was supposed to buy my (our?) birthday cake and bake it, too.  Anyway, kind of a bummer.  We had spent nearly all the previous day celebrating Son #3's fourth birthday.  It was fun and we all had a good time.  I really didn't want much.  Maybe a nice meal, maybe a card, something.  I guess her early morning acknowledgement is all I get.

I really feel like I screwed up my life.  I realize that I have many blessings: great kids, earn a good living which allows me material success.  Looking back, I blame myself for being so vain.  Vanity, vanity, all is vanity.  No truer words.  I had options.  I could have had a spouse that might have been more loving and caring.  I kind of threw those chances away, though.  I thought they weren't good enough.  I was hung up on outward appearances.  I didn't see into their core.  I knew looks faded, but I put way too much stock in it.  As I've battled problems with low self-esteem, I have come to realize that was the why I pushed these potentials away.  Outwardly, they were just "ok".  I put too much stock into appearances.  As I become "an old man, filled with regret, waiting to die alone", I wish I could go back in time and just kick my ass.  That's the only thing different I would do.

Anyway, I know I should give up any hope of a fun birthday, Christmas, anniversary, Valentine's day, etc.  Still trying.