Friday, April 28, 2006

Enjoying the Ride

Sybil has reverted back to her normal, loving, patient self. The week after her period is usually the best week. We actually enjoyed two days of great, wild, monkey sex. Unfortunately, she has some kind of dermatitis on her leg. The doc put her on high dose antibiotics, so much for the fun. The fear of antibiotics interfering with her BCPs put a damper on things.

As I walk through life, I learn that I cannot expect Sybil to change herself. Some (all?) is beyond her control. I'm convinced that her monthly cycle plays havoc with her moods and personality. Men really don't get it. At least I don't. This woman with the qualities I wrote about above will become some kind of demoness at the flip of a switch. Anyway, like I said, I can't change or control her. It is incumbent on me to be the best husband I can be. I must take responsibility for my faults, and there are many.

I must become more attentive. I must become a better listener. I must be more patient. When Sybil is again in the middle of her other self, I must not allow myself to be pulled into situations. It may be a Herculean task, but I must strive for it.

Although I will never be a perfect husband, that cannot be an excuse. If Sybil will not see how different she can act (I have discussed it during calm days) and understand the strain it puts on our marriage, I cannot change that.

Hang on tight! It's going to be a bumpy ride!

Saturday, April 22, 2006

What is Wrong with Me?

I seem to have it all: a wife who loves me, very attractive, enjoys sex, etc. Although I complain about her, I do love her. Her nickname, Sybil, isn't too flattering, but I'm convinced it isn't her fault. Hormonal changes are hell. Now that the storm has passed (again), she is back to usual self. The woman I fell in love with.

However, I find myself waiting more. I find myself fantasizing about sexual practices Sybil will not participate in. I find myself checking out other women, although they are not as physically attractive as Sybil. Mentally undressing them. Am I never to be satisfied with what I have? I admit it is purely a physical thing. What does that say about me? Am I a shallow, empty vessel? Am I perverted? To confront Sybil with these thoughts would signal the beginning of Armageddon. I am not prepared for the end of the world. Yet, how do I turn these thoughts off? It has to be more than straight horniness, because I can have sex on a fairly routine basis. Have I become focused too much on sex? I seem to think on it often. Am I just bored?

As disturbing as these thoughts are, I will not act upon them. I love Sybil and my family too much to destroy it. The pain and suffering brought on by an action based on these thoughts is enough to keep me from doing anything stupid. At least I hope that's enough.

Wednesday, April 19, 2006

Digging up the Past

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Well, last night was spent examining my past sex life prior to being married to Sybil. There's nothing like being under a microscope and/or being dissected for something that happened over 13 years ago. Like a lot of young people, I was a bit of a hedonist. However, I still had my morals and values. At least compared to many people I was around. Since Sybil had only 2 sex partners prior to me (although apparently they screwed like rabbits), she doesn't understand how I could be so shallow. This is especially in regards to my view on oral versus vaginal sex. As I stated before, I had the notion that oral sex (or any other contact other than vaginal) was, to me, less intimate than vaginal. The risks of pregnancy alone meant that vaginal sex was to be done only in a committed relationship. I can count on one hand the number of women I had vaginal intercourse with prior to marrying Sybil. However, she lumps all sex to the same level of intimacy. Let' s be clear: I was not some slut running around bagging every babe I could. For the most part, I could usually be found in a committed relationship. So last night I endured a two hour long interrogation into my past sexual proclivities. Fun stuff!

It started with her hearing from one of her girlfriends about some happenings at the local middle school. Apparently, some of the kids play a game called "rainbow." The idea is to get as many different shades of lipstick on a guys penis from as many girls as possible. She also learned about "tossed salad." The whole thing was both fascinating and repulsive to her. Sybil has a hard time understanding how people can be so blase about oral sex. These kids were going so far as to have anal sex to maintain virginity.

This led to the deep discussion of my rough and rowdy past. However, the biggest thing was the fact I couldn't remember the first time I had sex with my girlfriends (there were four of them). I told her that it was a long time ago for me, and I had closed that chapter of my life. I had chosen not to remember those days. She couldn't believe I had forgotten that. Next thing I know, she says, "If we ever got divorced, you'll probably forget ours too." Now, I haven't forgotten our first time. I even described it to her. Of course, I couldn't help thinking, "If we get divorced, I'm going to try to forget as much as I can." I doubt me saying that would have helped my cause.

Never a dull moment with Sybil.

Tuesday, April 18, 2006

Resentment and Letting Go

Had another one with Sybil last night. Basically, the thing was set into motion by my reaction. She had called to ask me to do something. I told I had already done it. She said, "Oh really, how did you do it?" Now, my little brain heard "Oh really, I bet you screwed it up." Sybil says she was not trying to pick a fight, belittle me, or anything. I told her that what I really wanted to hear was "Oh really, I was hoping you would do that" or something along those lines. She became extremely annoyed with me because I would not give the great detail she desired. She felt I was being defensive and had my shields up. Upon reflection, I guess I did.

In the past, I have had to endure criticism for everything I've done from Sybil. From the way I speak to people in public to the way I fold clothes. Forgive me, if I'm a little defensive. The sad part is I did this small, little task in love and hoping for acknowledgement. In that area, I failed. How does one let go of resentment? How does one change how one reacts to another person? How does one retool their thinking and behavior? How does one let go of the past?

I have not been the nicest person of late. My fuse has become exceedingly short. I do not like that about myself. Yet, I seem unable to change my reactions. As I ponder the causes, I can come up with a list of potential issues. However, I have to take responsibility for it. Living with someone with a short fuse is no piece of cake. I have first hand knowledge of it. Sybil's fuse has always been short. She has improved, but I've been to wrapped up in my petty resentment to see it. Now I must get better.

Sybil will always be a critic. I cannot change that. However, I must not allow someone else to dictate my behavior. That is the trick. The closer someone is, the more influence they have.

Friday, April 14, 2006

I'm Back!

Survived these few days off. Sybil and I only had a couple of minor blow-ups. As always, it boiled down to me saying the wrong thing at the wrong time. I won't bore with details. Except, I was in the wrong. I apologized; she accepted; and we moved on. She didn't feel the need to deliver an hour long lecture on what I "should" and "need" do to better myself.

Also, I had a birthday during my time off. I'm old enough to know better, yet young enough to do it. It was low key. Son #1 had baseball practice.

We didn't really do much this time off. Of course, I didn't get to do enough of my "selfish pursuits." It's not my fault Sybil doesn't want to join in. I'm supposed to sit back and act happy about spending an hour and a half looking at athletic shoes with her. Unfortunately, she'll never use them as they were intended. If I brought this up, I'm sure I would have another lecture on what I "should" and "need" do.

On a happy note, Sybil and I had some pretty decent sex. That seems to be the one area where we don't have too many blow-ups. Except for oral sex: she is too self-conscious and doesn't want me to start expecting it. I did get a BJ on my birthday. I guess it'll be next year before the next one. I think it is a control issue for her.

Speaking of sex, Sybil and I got onto the topic of whether I prefer oral sex or vaginal sex. I stated oral. From a purely physical sensation, oral sex is much better (especially if she swallows...another post on another day). If that makes me perverted, sue me. I explained that the mouth is much more versatile than a vagina. The sensations are much more mind-blowing than vaginal. Personally, my favorite position is 69 with the woman on top. I let her know that, and I wanted to try it again. She said we had, and she didn't like it. Of course, that was about 10 years ago. However, I do think vaginal intercourse produces an emotional connection that is stronger than oral. When I was dating, I wouldn't have vaginal intercourse with a woman unless we were pretty serious. I'm not sure why this comes as a surprise to her. I've been very consistent in this view. I guess it's her "hang-up." We all have them.

I hope everyone has a great Easter holiday. See ya!

Saturday, April 08, 2006

My 100 Things About Me

Well, I'm going to take a break from Sybil bashing and post my 100 things about me. Things are going pretty good between us right now. I am working on communicating and confronting my issues with her. She is working on patience and understanding. Anyway, I wanted to get this in before our next blow-up. Without further ado:
  1. I am extremely likeable in person.
  2. I can talk to anyone about anything.
  3. I can be a great BSer, in terms of number 2.
  4. Although I am sociable, I like my solitude.
  5. I love the world, but I don't always like the people in it.
  6. My kids are my foundation.
  7. Sybil and I "had" to get married because she became pregnant after dating about 6 months.
  8. Although we've had our ups and downs, I'd say we've done very well considering number 7.
  9. All of my children were "surprises."
  10. I love being outside.
  11. My job keeps me inside.
  12. I am highly educated.
  13. Sometimes I'm not too bright.
  14. I have a pilot's license and an instrument rating.
  15. With a wife and 3 kids, I don't get to fly much.
  16. I wish I had listened to my father and joined the Army.
  17. I wanted to be in tanks and blow things up.
  18. I have a tattoo.
  19. It is my fraternity letters with crossed swords.
  20. I did it before tattoos were "cool."
  21. I worry about my past sins being visited upon my children (what goes around comes around).
  22. This might be way too introspective.
  23. My mother was a nut job until I moved out of the house.
  24. I don't see the correlation.
  25. I have communication issues.
  26. I fear rejection.
  27. I have self-esteem problems.
  28. Numbers 25, 26, and 27 make it hard to open up with Sybil.
  29. Don't laugh; you'll just encourage me.
  30. I love baseball much more now that my sons play it.
  31. I've always loved football ( both playing and watching).
  32. I kind of hope my sons don't play it.
  33. I have the habit of saying exactly the wrong thing.
  34. I love to make people laugh.
  35. I used to be laid back.
  36. I don't know what changed me.
  37. I'm trying to get back there.
  38. I learned in college that love doesn't conquer all.
  39. Indians can be racist.
  40. I used to love to drink.
  41. Not so much anymore.
  42. I love a good cigar.
  43. The public schools made sure to turn my children against my cigars.
  44. I never smoked in the house.
  45. I used to think of myself as perverted.
  46. Thanks to some blogs I've read (not on my roll BTW, LOL!), I no longer do.
  47. I believe pornography destroys.
  48. Man, as I get older I get much more conservative.
  49. I loath both political parties.
  50. I voted Libertarian in 2004.
  51. I'll probably do it again in 2008.
  52. I think the government is evil.
  53. I'm over half done.
  54. I'm fairly easy to please.
  55. I don't have high expectations.
  56. I work too much.
  57. I'm too much in debt not to.
  58. I fear poverty.
  59. I grew up poor (lower middle class).
  60. My mother and father smoked like chimneys, yet mom couldn't afford a winter coat.
  61. People have their priorities out of whack.
  62. After New Year's Eve I can only drink beer.
  63. Since getting out of college and earning an income, I can no longer drink cheap beer.
  64. Sybil is Chinese.
  65. Sometimes that creates friction because of different cultures, although she came to the US when she was six (legally, I might add).
  66. My kids are better athletes than I was.
  67. I'm wrapped around my daughter's finger.
  68. I'm not sure I'll get to 100.
  69. I don't have any regrets.
  70. I think people get divorced too soon.
  71. My family has communication issues.
  72. I don't get enough exercise.
  73. I wish I only needed five hours of sleep.
  74. I love Spring.
  75. My birthday is in the Spring.
  76. I tend to be cynical. That's why I have low expectations of people.
  77. I blog; therefore, I am.
  78. I'm always surprised someone comments on one of my posts.
  79. Sometimes I think this blog is too negative.
  80. I am a closet optimist.
  81. I wanted to be a marine biologist.
  82. I sunburn too easily.
  83. The only positive comment from my mother-in-law is that I have nice ears.
  84. I'll take what I can get.
  85. The good thing about my parents-in-law is that I can't understand most of what they say.
  86. I dream of backpacking the AT.
  87. With three kids, a lot of debt and a wife, it'll never happen.
  88. Ironically, I'm a man of leisure.
  89. Although it's near the bottom, I do love my wife.
  90. Sometimes I wish she'd go away.
  91. She can be a nag.
  92. As I get older, I can't lay in the bed for very long.
  93. That sucks.
  94. One good thing about blogging is the catharsis.
  95. It keeps me from getting much work done.
  96. I need to take more time off.
  97. I've never been to Disney World.
  98. I received my first blow job whilst my family was gone to Disney World. I was 16.
  99. I've loved them ever since.
  100. Finally, my last one.
There ya go. Have a good weekend. I'm on vacation next week (finally). I don't know how much I'll be blogging.

Monday, April 03, 2006

Do Opposites Attract, and Is It a Good Thing?

How do we actually get to know our spouse? It is very hard during the dating time, because there is a lot emotion tied in with it. Also, we think these differences are cute and interesting. We fall into the trap of thinking we'll somehow change their mind (or them). We delude ourselves into thinking that the issue won't become a big deal. I'm here to tell you that after years of being together, they can become a real pain the arse.

Sybil and I have many differences. Naturally, we have some likenesses. Unfortunately, these likenesses are of a big picture, general sense. I can sum up Sybil's and my differences thusly: she lacks a sense of adventure. Examples:
  1. I really enjoy backpacking. I could go every chance I get. There a "zenful" feeling of hiking 8 to 10 miles and then sleeping in a tent. Sybil has never and will never do that. I'm left going by myself. She feels it is too much work and effort for very little reward. Of course having never done it, how does she know?
  2. I really enjoy roller coasters. We have a rather large amusement park nearby. They have two roller coasters and several other rides. Unless we go with some friends of ours, I usually have to ride them by myself. Luckily, Daughter also enjoys riding them, so that helps. Sybil has only ridden one twice, and it was like pulling teeth.
  3. I enjoy flying. I've had my pilot's license for about 4 years now. I dream of loading Sybil and me up and taking off for some place fun. She always uses the kids as excuse. What will do about them (the planes I fly only carry 4 people not the 5 needed)? Of course, we could work around that, but she sees no point. It's a big hassle to her.
  4. I would like to take the family to the beach. She sees it as too much effort. She sees it as too expensive. However, she will entertain the notion of spending over $2000 on a new couch for the basement, which is nothing but a playroom for the kids and their friends.
  5. I enjoy sexual experimentation. I'm not talking about 3somes or barnyard animals or anything like that. I'd settle for oral sex or anything other than the missionary position she enjoys. I have to come up with anything new. I have to put the effort into it. Although she would let me have sex with her every day, willingly, I want more than that. I want her to take the initiative. I want her to open her mind up.
Now, before anyone says I need to tell her. I have. Many times. She will justify herself one way or another and refuses to listen. Sybil will barely entertain anything that upsets the status quo. She will not accept that side of me and want to share in it. She just writes me off as being crazy or weird. No matter how many times I talk to her about how I feel, Sybil will use any excuse to stop herself from doing it. It's like she has no zest or zeal for life.

Opposites may attract, but I'm not sure it is a good thing. Being in a relationship with someone completely different is normal. I wouldn't want to be married to someone just like me. However, there must be that common thread. That bond. That wanting to share in all of the experiences of being with the person one loves. Sybil has no desire to share in any of that with me.