Monday, December 25, 2017

Almost Made It This Christmas

For the last 5 Christmases or so, the Sybil has had some sort of melt down to ruin things. Nothing is ever good enough. This year, I tried to take over the Christmas stuff due to her being very stressed out. Stress creates a hair trigger. I tried to discuss the Amazon list that our kids had created on a couple of occasions, but I was rebuffed due to her working. Not a big deal, but time was wasting. Finally, we discussed the list. The next day I placed the order without consulting her and her letting her know I was doing it. I didn't share the order details. I admit that was a major oversight. It was unintentional just forgot due to the everything going on. Last night, she discovered that one of the toys for was left off of the list (I really thought I ordered it). She was enraged because I did not communicate with her that I was placing the order and did not forwards the list. I took ownership of it. I apologized. Sadly, I ruined her Christmas again. Argument ensued. Heard "I hate you!" Told to leave the room. Etc. After sometime, I went back to salvage things. Argument continues. I try not to JADE, but defuse the situation (I know...lost cause). She is so upset she cannot talk. Instead, she sends me a text
today, i release u of any responsibility for me since i dont exist in ur life and u dont need me in ur life. u dont have to spend another christmas seeing me disappointed...this will make the 5th time! i have cried every christmas except for the one time u and the boys went to visit ur mom...and i did not exist then either. u never sent me pictures until prompt by me and never tried to call or communicate with me while u were away.  u dont care whether i am in ur life...u function fine without me. u dont care about how i feel so the best thing is to just release that burden--ME. u dont like how i make u i  reveal to u how u really think of me... i dont  want to tie u down or make u feel bad any more.  just let me go. i know divorce is not ur thing so u leave me no choice but to kill myself... i am dead to u anyway so that won’t be any different.  i love my kids but like u said, if i die, u can always find someone to help take care of the them. i know u r thinking i am being selfish...i may be but u leave me no choice..i need to stop suffering. i have tried and tried and tried. just like u said, you tried and tried and i supposedly left u no choice but to make that decision by urself and even after u made that decision, u kept it to urself since i have not earned the right to know since i was not never wiling to give my time of day.  u gave up on me...i can give up on this marriage. i am a fool to ever think our marriage would be different than ur parents. i come from a family that has parents that lean on each other no matter what. u come from a family that has parents that do things individually.  i cannot live like loveless, so unwanted. i rather die than to be in that situation. tonight, i have never hated u as much as before. u kept blaming for ur actions...that is wrong. that action shows that u dont love me EVER!!!!!! you taught me well...I AM NOBODY, I AM  NOTHING!!
I'm in the room!

This occurred last night. This morning, she would not leave the room. The kids had to wait a couple of hours to open presents.

The kicker is I had gotten her an Apple Watch (she was acting good and did need it). She's barely touched it. She hasn't set it up. On the bright side, I got a present from her for the first time in years: socks and undershirt.