Sunday, September 24, 2017

Various Stuff

A couple of things that are rattling around in my head.  Not much of a post, but has some personal stuff.

We hired a new staff member recently.  She's one of those kind of "earthy" types.  I'm not sure she'll stay long, but I find myself infatuated with her.  She's kind of attractive but not gorgeous.  I could not put my finger on it for several days.  Then, I had an epiphany.  She, actually, is kind to me.  She smiles.  She says positive things.  There is nothing overtly anything.  After my epiphany, I realized she's that way with everyone.  It was another reminder that a kind word will do more than an angry one.  I'm sure this infatuation will pass.  I do have not plans to even engage in it.  Yet, I feel even more depressed that this was all it takes for me to get this way: kindness.

I have been reading Stop Walking on Eggshells by Paul Mason and Randi Kreger.  According to the Kindle App, I'm 82% finished.  What have I learned?  Set Boundaries, Mirror Sybil's emotions (don't be a sponge).  Sadly, the subtext is that I have to be mindful of her emotions and feelings, so I can defuse the situation.  However, I can really never expect her to do the same.  Wow.  I knew this.  However, reading it seemed to make it so final.  Knowing that the one person closest to me does not really care about my feelings or emotional well being.  It really hit home last week.  I became slightly ill.  Chills.  Muscle aches.  Immediately, I layered clothes and went to bed.  Wearing fleece in the summer normally would be a clue.  Sybil made no comments.  Did not ask how I was or anything.  She, too, became a little under the weather.  I found myself trying to care for her and myself.  Very depressing.  Very depressing.  She could not see outside herself to see how I was doing.

No wonder a little positive feedback from a member of the opposite sex made me become infatuated.  Now, I am aware enough not to do anything stupid, but the power of negativity.  Like a fish not realizing they are in water until they are yanked out of it: jarring.

Monday, September 18, 2017

The Horns of a Delimma

A new dilemma has arisen.  My class reunion is coming up.  Sybil has known about it for a long time.  We even blocked off days at the office to make the trip.

Naturally, Sybil has found a way to sabotage it.  I was trying to confirm whether or not she was going, since the deadline to pay was coming.  She became triggered.  Apparently, I should not have asked whether or not she was going.  Instead, I should have had everything planned (including caring for our 3 yo) and then asked her.  Since I started with asking her whether or not she was going, I did it wrong.  I explained that I wanted to make sure she was up for it, and then we can put our heads together to plan it.  She continued to get angry about not planning, and about my not acknowledging she had a point.  The latter eventually led to a complete melt down by her.  To add to her perceived insult, I started trying to use Medium Chill to not feed her narcissism.  Seeing that she was not getting the reaction she wanted, she started becoming very emotional and stomped away.  Meanwhile, my question is left unanswered.

Now we have a smoldering fire. I have not brought the subject back up.  Sybil is acting like a pouting, insolent child.  As I see it, I have a choice: not go to my reunion (which is what Sybil really wants) which will add to my resentment or go and face the music when I get back (I may find my stuff on the Front lawn).

Stay tuned...