Friday, October 08, 2010

New Horizon or SSDD*?

Sybil and I had a long "discussion" last night. It centered on how she doesn't feel connected with me anymore. I do not put forth any effort in maintaining our relationship (funny...I thought we were married). She is carrying the burden of said relationship.

I, totally, get what she is saying. Sybil is correct. I have been "phoning it in" for quite some time. Basically, since June of 2006. That time in Las Vegas did more damage than benefit in my eyes. During that fateful trip, I learned a couple of things. The main thing I learned was to dial down my libido and radically decrease my expectations. If I am to maintain any semblance of marital calm, I cannot expect fun times with Sybil.

Anyway, I digress. The point of the conversation was she feels that I am not emotionally attached to our relationship (or marriage or whatever). I guess I have stopped trying in some ways. Let's run through the list of things that have caused me to "phone it in":
  1. Sex with Sybil is boring. She has sooooo many boundaries and rules that escaping from a Soviet Gulag would be easier.
  2. Oral sex either received or given is limited in quantity. Sybil uses fellatio as a tool for control. I mean I don't want to expect it, now do I (once a quarter is enough me, right?)? Cunnilingus is kind of disgusting for me to go down there, so we can't do that.
  3. On the rare occasion that I try to have a little diversion (read a book, watch a movie/ballgame, play on the computer, etc.), Sybil accuses me of being selfish for not wanting to spend time with her.
  4. Getting up early, getting the kids to school, making her coffee, letting her sleep in, working 10-12 hour days in a stressful profession, helping run the kids to their various after school activities, not denying her anything (materially), and helping around the house is not enough. When I collapse at 9:30 in the evening, I am a selfish jerk for not wanting to stay awake and have a deep, meaningful conversation with her.
  5. Said conversations are never about how I feel; they are only about what I have done to make her unhappy. If I bring up something (for example, I don't appreciate the verbal abuse heaped upon me) then I hear, "If you didn't X, Y, or Z, then you would not have to hear the abuse."
Men can handle aggravation, generally, better than women. If a women had to contend with the above list and received verbal abuse, she would be out of the door taking half of his stuff so fast one's head would spin. Even so, at what point do I begin to think in terms of a bad investment? At what point do I begin to think in terms of little reward for my efforts? I guess I already am.

Realistically, I am the one at fault. In the beginning of our marriage (not just relationship), I allowed her to set the tone. I thought that, if I showed her my love (kind of put her on a pedestal), then everything would be ok. I have learned just how wrong I was. Putting another on a pedestal only means that you are at his/her feet.

So the conversation while meaningful for Sybil did not really resolve anything for me. She still has not taken responsibility for her actions or part in this drama. Therefore, I can only say that we are not facing a New Horizon, but we are facing SSDD.

*SSDD is "Same Shit Different Day" for those that do not know.

Monday, September 20, 2010

This Sums It All Up

Her Diary:

Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We
had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for
dinner. I was shopping with my friends all day long,
so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a
bit late, but he made no comment on it. Conversation
wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere
quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say
much. I asked him what was wrong; He said, 'Nothing.'
I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He
said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with
me, and not to worry about it. On the way home, I
told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and
kept driving. I can't explain his behavior I don't
know why he didn't say, 'I love you, too.' When we
got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as
if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just
sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to
seem distant and absent. Finally, with silence all
around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes
later, he came to bed. To my surprise, he responded
to my caress, and we made love. But I still felt that
he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere
else. He fell asleep - I cried. I don't know what to
do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with
someone else. My life is a disaster.

His Diary:

Boat wouldn't start, can't figure it out, at least I
got laid.

Wednesday, September 08, 2010

Again...I'm Not Dead

Well, not yet!

I've taken some time off to try to focus on the problems with my marriage. I wish I could say this hiatus has been helpful. It wasn't. Sybil is still Sybil. She still screams at me; she still uses abusive language; she still does not censor what she says or how she says it in front of our kids. I really thought that being thoughtful and trying to listen would help. I really thought that quicker apologies for the slightest misstep would defuse the situation. Boy, was I stupid!

Now? I just want out. I don't want to be married to her anymore. I'm tired of her screaming fits. I'm tired of her rage. I'm tired of always having to police what I say or do, yet she knows no bounds in her biting rhetoric. I'm tired of her trying to control every aspect of my life. I just want out. I'm tired.

I'm renaming our marriage the "Zombie Marriage." It isn't dead nor is it alive. It just plods along. Neither of us want to be the one to call it quits. Neither wanting to be the one that left the committed relationship. Neither wants to be branded a quitter. However, if she asked for a divorce, I don't think I would try to stop her. I'm so tired of it all.

Some have noted that she may have Borderline Personality Disorder. She may. I don't care. Her fits of rage over the most trivial of situation; her fits of rage that escalate every situation far beyond what is needed; and her fits of rage are more than any sane person can take. If I were to tell those that know us socially what she's like, they would not understand. Sybil is very good at having one persona in public and quite another in private. In public, people perceive her as helpful and nice, but in private she is quite the opposite. She's volatile.

I blame myself, ironically enough. I'm the one that allowed this to continue for these 17 years. I'm the one that did not set boundaries. I hoped that ignoring it would quiet things. Nope. My allowing it to continue only emboldened her. I believe the term is enabling. I have enabled her bad behavior by not calling her out on it. Like the petulant child, forcing her to see herself only makes her resent me more. After all, she wouldn't have to yell and verbally abuse me, if I didn't do X,Y, or Z. Typical abuser.

I'm ready to get off of this co-dependent carousel. I'm ready for this ride to stop. Hold on, though, it'll get bumpy before it gets smooth.

Wednesday, April 28, 2010

On That Road to Hell...Redux

Well, I haven't posted a good fight between Sybil and me in awhile. This one is a doozy. I had to look up a fight that was similar to this one.

It all happened Saturday. Sybil asked me to install a special type of thermostat at the office. It automatically changes from heat to cool depending on the settings. Now, I'm a pretty smart guy, but I don't have a lot of experience with this sort of thing. I know it will take me awhile. Since there are two, I know it will take me awhile longer for two (although the second one was easier). While I'm trying to figure this out and install it correctly, Sybil sent me a text message. Since I'm deep in thought and really wanting to get the project done as quickly and efficiently as possible, I ignore the text. Sybil decides to call me. I had to stop everything and answer the phone. Apparently, I sounded irritated (which I was). This adds to up to a big no-no.

Later that night, my parents, Sybil, and I are in the living room talking. She wanted to know, if the thermostat in the house was same as the living room. I answered, "Yes". It wasn't, but the setup was the same. That is what I was trying to say, but I totally botched it. My father and I continued to talk about thermostats. Then I said, "No" to it being the same. Not realizing that I had contradicted myself. This was the final straw. As everyone drifted to bed, I noticed Sybil acting withdrawn. I thought, "WTF did I do THIS time?"

I let Sybil go to bed. I waited about 45 minutes (I was pretty steamed). I went to the bedroom. Now it is on. I kept asking Sybil what the problem was. She kept saying "Wow" like it was so obvious. Everytime I asked she said "Wow!" This went on for a long time. I was racking my brain about the conversation. She kept saying it had to do with what I said. "WTF," I thought. I went through the topics of conversation. Finally, I landed on the right one: the thermostat. Apparently, I lied to her about the thermostat, when she asked me about it. I told her one thing and told my father something else. Now, Sybil is in full victim mode: no one listens to her, no one cares about her, she is nothing but a "hole", she will just sleep on the floor because she is beneath me.

I apologized for my inconsistent answer. Profusely. I didn't mean to give inconsistent answers, but I did not lie. Why would I? Besides a lie has to do with intent: intentionally trying to mislead someone. I did not do that. I admitted to giving her a dumb answer but I did not lie. In giving her this answer, I revealed that I don't care about her. Sybil is nothing but a "hole" to me. I kept trying to reassure her that was not the case. I apologized many times.

Then Sybil brings up the texting thing. Whenever I hear my phone, I should check it no matter what I'm doing. Now, we have had discussions before about the proper role of texting: it is used for communication when one knows that the other party is busy. If the topic is more pressing, then one calls. Sybil says, "What if I had a wreck and I was bleeding profusely? You wouldn't know because you wouldn't answer your text." Huh? I answered that is pretty stupid because if someone is bleeding profusely, then I would expect a phone call. Saturday night conversation ended with Sybil sleeping on the floor and me sleeping in the bed.

Sunday morning comes along. I try to restart the conversation. Again, I am met with how I am a liar and don't care. Again, Sybil brings up the texting thing. Again, I apologize profusely. She refuses to accept it. She's heard it all before. She knows it is empty words. I don't think, I don't care about her, etc.

Since that day, Sybil has not worn her ring. She has a nice white mark there where it was. Right now, I don't even care. I'm tired of the drama. I'm tired of the resentment. I'm tired of having to watch every little thing I do. I'm tired of Sybil's constant criticism. What I did was stupid, but it does not rise to this level of drama! I didn't go out bar hopping without permission, I did not sleep with another person, I did not hit her, I did not do anything except make a stupid comment. Period. If she wants to take ring off as a symbol of divorce. Fine. I'm ok with that. As a matter of fact, I'm ok with her divorcing me. If I am such a terrible husband, then she should leave.

So I'm on that Road to Hell...again.

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

I'm Not Dead

But I am not really feeling alive. I'm not sure what the deal is, but I'm definitely in a funk. I'm not sure why. Probably stress. Living with Sybil, work, and kids make for a lot of stress.

I wish I could say my lack of posting means that Sybil and I had some sort of break through. Alas, it is more of the same. After nearly 17 years of marriage, we seem to be moving from romantic love towards agape love. Maybe that will be much deeper and satisfying? Sadly, all I want to do in bed is sleep.

Is this how affairs happen? When someone says, "I didn't mean for this to happen," are they in the same mental state as I? I've never believed that whole excuse. I will not be having an affair. The whole idea of having an affair is repugnant to me. The lingering pain that would cause is too much. Affairs are self-centered acts. Marriage is supposed to self-less. That being said, I do have more empathy for those that stray. The feeling of plodding along through life is a weight that is bearing down upon me.

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

Denial Isn't Just a River in Egypt

Denial is a subversive thing. One never knows one is denial. We all have aspects in our lives that we subconsciously turn a blind eye.

I've been living with an abuser for over 16 years. There, I said it. I don't mean in a physical sense but a verbal and psychological sense. Years of yelling and constant criticism have taken their toll. The affects are insidious. Kind of a frog in boiling water kind of thing. It's amazing really. It has only been recently that I've noticed its effects on me: I've taken on the negative attributes of Sybil.

In an epiphany after one of our numerous spats, it came to me. I have, unwittingly, started to act like Sybil. I've developed an extremely short fuse; I've started trying to shout down any opposition; I've started to shift the blame to others; I've become ultra-defensive. I used to be such a laid back person. Sadly, I've noticed a change in my behavior. I've noticed an ugliness about me that smacks of Sybil.

I've been in denial about this for a long time. I won't go into details about what brought everything into focus. It was my response during one of our numerous, stupid arguments. Sybil started yelling at me; I retaliated by yelling at her; it ended with my yelling, "Whatever!", which brought the argument to an end. That was 10 days ago. Sybil is acting distant. I wish she could see that her way of going into an argument ratchets up the emotional response from me. I've tried to bring this to her attention, but she always blames me for her reaction. Typical for an abuser. Abusers never take responsibility for the abuse they dish out. If only the abusee would stop doing ______, the abuser would not have to react that way.

Not only has years of abuse changed my behavior in these situations, but also it has affected my self-esteem. Only now I am coming to realize that years of putting up with being made to feel inferior by constant criticism and verbal abuse has really taken its toll on my self-image. In this struggle, I have to maintain my self. I must rely upon my inner strength to keep going.

Denial is at an end. Like many victims of abuse, I defended Sybil in my mind. If only I hadn't done ______ or had done ______, then everything would have been great. The only problem is I'm not perfect. I know I am a hopelessly flawed person. EVERYONE is, though. Until a few years ago, I have always been able to forgive Sybil and move on. Within those dark times, I held anger and resentment towards Sybil. These emotions were brought on by Sybil's attacks. When I had my epiphany, I realized that I will never be able to be that happy, self-confident person again unless I forgive Sybil. Sybil is hopelessly flawed. I must be able to forgive her and not give into my baser instincts of lashing out. I must take the high road no matter what happens.

I don't know what the future will hold for Sybil and me. Divorce? Reconciliation? Status quo? Two strangers living together? All I know is that I must regain my self.


Tuesday, January 12, 2010

That Third Option is Almost Here

I'll bet that within my lifetime sexbots will be available. This article about one such 'bot tells me that we are getting closer. It won't be long now. It will be the death of human race.

For men, we can have someone to satisfy our physical pleasures and not hear: "whether this dress makes me look fat." We can focus on our favorite sport without being made to feel guilty for focusing on something besides the female in our lives for three to six hours a week. Since most women under the age of 40 can't cook anyhow, we can either continue feeding ourselves or we can program our 'bot to do it for us. There is no downside.

For women, a sexbot will be the perfect answer. It will be able to last as long as needed. It is always a captivated audience. The 'bot won't complain about have to sit through another episode of "Keeping up with the Kardashians." It love you no matter what dress size your wear. The toilet seat will remain exactly how you left it.

I predict, with the advent of these wonderful humanoids, we will see birth rates drop, marriage rates drop and divorce rates will increase. Within a 100 years, the human race will be no more.

Friday, January 08, 2010


Well, my blogging is way down...kind of like my libido.

We survived the trip to the beach for Thanksgiving. We survived the holidays, although I've learned that too much together time with Sybil is not a good thing. That doesn't bode well for retirement.

Who's seen the the new law in France would ban psychological violence. What is that, exactly? Seems rather open ended. If that law were passed here, could I bring Sybil up on charges? Since women love arguments and wade into controversy much easier than men, I would think that women would be against this law.

I've come to discover that Desperate Housewives is a guilty pleasure. Since the show is basically written by some woman hater, it shouldn't come as any great surprise. Each of the female characters is a caricature of all that is wrong with the "fairer sex".

Right now, I don't like women very much. I could never be gay, so I'm hoping for a third option.