Sunday, March 11, 2018

Brinkmanship the last post was a little premature.  As I struggle to undo nearly 25 years of conditioning, I am learning the "push-pull" that Sybil exudes.  Also, I am seeing an ugly side (another one) where she is a "user".  Lastly, I am seeing how truly superficial her emotions really are.

Yesterday we had another blow up.  Briefly, I made breakfast pizza for everyone.  As this was my first attempt, I knew things would not go perfectly.  Anyway, the crust was done, but the eggs on the pizza where a little underdone.  Unknowingly, I presented Sybil with under-cooked eggs.  She gagged; I immediately took the pizza; and put it back in the oven and made sure it was cooked.  When I gave her the thoroughly cooked piece, she refused it because the first bite made her feel so bad.  Since I had not eaten, I sat down and ate it.  Later, she starts the conversation to say that, while she appreciated my efforts, she did not appreciate my eating the piece in front of her.  And, I should have known that she was so grossed out that I should have offered something else.  I became defensive and let her know that I was spent an hour straightening the kitchen and preparing the food.  In the back of my mind she was acting so dramatic and immature.  I tried to maintain Medium Chill.  It was so difficult for me.  The conversation continued to where she was sobbing that I just don't care about her.  Finally, I acquiesced to get some peace.  This morning Sybil wanted to cuddle and have sex (which we did).  Now, if I were so upset that I was sobbing and saying my wife was acting like an "asshole", I would be so hurt that the last thing on my mind would be to want sex. 

I have always known that Sybil's emotions were superficial, but the lack of depth is truly amazing.  The act of not understanding her was the worst thing in the world.  Yet, the very next day she was loving.  Is that "hoovering"?  I think so.  I just want to get away.  I don't think I continue this fight.  The constant having to monitor myself.  I have to not show emotions, but I called "robotic" if I don't show emotions. 

Another thing that is become glaring as I struggle to get out of the FOG is Sybil's ability to not just manipulate people, but also use people.  She seems to think nothing of demanding our older kids set aside their lives to take care of our 4 year old.  She thinks nothing of demanding of a backrub, yet become angry if not done to her liking (although I am so tired I cannot keep my eyes open). 

It boils down to boundaries.  It boils down to kind of deciding to care a little bit less.  This is hard for me, as I have morphed (trained?) into someone that puts other's needs first (codependent?).  Instituting boundaries is very difficult, but it is something I MUST do.  If not for my sake, then for 4 yo.  Honestly, if not for him, I would have left already.  I would rather live in celibacy and peace.