Friday, May 30, 2014

Time for a New Post

Wow!  It has been a year since my last posting.  Things have been very busy with Sybil and me.  I am still working out my issues; I'm not sure I'll ever completely have them resolved.  I have come to some realizations though:

  1. I am an introvert.  Most people will think I am the most outgoing, witty person in the room.  However, being around people tires me out.  Since I am around people all day, I really treasure my alone time.  Unfortunately, my alone time is from 5:45 am to 6:45 am M-F.  Not much there.  In the past, Sybil and the kids would go visit her parents in another state.  I enjoyed my alone time so much that I didn't miss them that much.
  2. Sybil is an extrovert.  She gets her energy from being around people.  She cannot stand being alone.  I guess that is because she has never really been alone.  Being the youngest girl in a family with 7 kids, Sybil was always with someone.  This can create friction, because she cannot understand why I need my space.  I find myself hanging around her because it's just easier.
  3. I have deep areas of resentment towards Sybil.  Over the years, I have chronicled our marriage here in this space.  Ironically, Sybil got off of the Pill last summer.  It was the best 6 weeks of our marriage.  She wasn't a bitch and the sex was great.  It was so great that we had a baby.  Number 4.  We are in our middle age.  Since we have 4 kids and are older, I repeatedly stated my desire for a vasectomy.  However, due to some sort of personality quirk (I think her need to control), Sybil has adamantly refused.  Now what?  I refuse to have her back on the Pill.  I believe it set motion events that led to some of my resentment issues.  She refuses to let either of us be permanently fixed.  We are back to using a condom.  She hates those, too.  Cognitive dissonance is her middle name.
  4. Work is killing me.  With the baby, Sybil became less engaged at work and no longer comes to the office.  It is interesting to note that my blood pressure went way down.  It was borderline needing medication.  Now, it is normal.  I guess being around Sybil was, literally, killing.
  5. Once upon a time, I had some readers of this blog.  My intention was not to have a large audience but to put in words my issues.  Now that I am not joined at the hip with Sybil, I expect my posting to increase.
  6. Don't even get me start on finances.  Cognitive dissonance really shines with Sybil in this arena.  We will never be out of debt; she keeps wanting to spend money.  She justifies it with what she considers as a "need".  With the new kid, this has increased many times over.  Also, Sybil is at home unsupervised.  My goal is get us on a debt reduction budget.  Of all of the things we have fought over (the majority of which are trivial), this will be most major.
That is just a short list of things to grapple with.  Reflecting on things almost seems to make them worse.  Kind of like picking on a sore.  It just hurts without healing.  Depressing.  

Many times over I have come to the realization that this is my lot in life.  Nuke the marriage (permanently damaging the kids and going against my Christian beliefs) or try to polish a turd.  So far, the turd is very shiny.