Wednesday, September 19, 2012
I am not the brightest bulb in the chandelier. Sometimes it takes a long time for something to sink into my consciousness. I seem to hold fast to my ideals in spite of mounting evidence to the contrary. After reading this post (and the second definition), I see that I was wrong to think that Sybil is narcissistic. I thought that because she was incapable of empathy towards others, especially those closest to her, that she must be a narcissus. I struggled with definitions of her personality and with trying to find out what is wrong with her. The answer was staring me in the face. She is like all of the other women that I have known: she is immersed in solipsism.
Narcissism deals with loving oneself more than anyone else. There is no room for anyone else. While this does kind of define Sybil, it is incomplete. I do not think she has total self love. Instead, I think there is an underlying loathing because she cannot handle imperfection. Since all are imperfect, she cannot totally love herself. No, she is engaged in solipsism. The reason she has no empathy towards others is because she cannot fathom anything outside of herself. Every thought, every conversation, every gesture, every nuanced bit of body language is seen through a lens of how it affects her. Like tumblers in a lock, it clicked. No wonder she gets so angry over the wrong facial expression, the wrong comment, the wrong gesture. Sybil default setting is to believe everything is directed towards herself.
The reason I say I'm not the brightest bulb is because I have been seeing this pattern of behavior my whole life. I just was so into the "now" that I did not stop and think about what I was experiencing. All of the women that I am closest to are completely enmeshed in solipsism. My mother laying on the couch complaining about her life while dad worked 50 hours a week. Girlfriends that played with my feelings. Sybil...well we know about Sybil. Sadly, it has taken 43 years for me to wake up. I will not say that all women are this way. I can only say that all of the women I have experience with are this way. To say that women are better than men in empathy, in compromise, in a general live-and-let-live attitude has not been my experience.
The curtain has been rudely pulled back. The wizard is just a sad, little man.
Tuesday, September 04, 2012
I wish things were improving with Sybil and me. Unfortunately, they are not. Why am I still with her? Like everything else in life...it's complicated.
First of all, I am not the brightest bulb in the chandelier. Looking back, I see a pattern of behavior that was there from the beginning of our marriage. Sybil is narcissistic. Only her feelings matter. In the last post I wrote about the camping thing. As it turns out, Sybil only "felt" that I had ruined the kids on camping. She never actually asked them. Since how she feels about something trumps everyone else's, she feels totally justified in LYING about it. When confronted, she will say that I provoked her (made an ugly face, talked to her with sarcasm, whatever). I have endured 19 years of this because I thought that was what I supposed to do. I thought that two adults come together and try to iron out their differences. If unable, then they just work on accepting the other person for who they are. I know, I know...I'm pretty dumb. Sadly, we all see the world through our own prism. It's hard to really see the world for what it is.
Secondly, we have kids. I strongly believe that becoming a parent means you have to set aside one's unhappiness to take care of one's kids. The role of parents is to raise the kids. That doesn't mean in separate houses. However, I don't think I would have gone through all of this if we didn't have kids.
Thirdly, I am a Christian. I take it to heart that God hates divorce. The only reason for divorce is adultery. Not because I am unhappy.
The reason I started this blog was to cope with being married to Sybil (Sybil may have a different take on things. She can start her own blog). It seemed that I was losing my mind. I could not believe a rational adult could behave this way. Of course, that assumes she is rational. So, at first I started this blog as a catharsis. Now the blog has become an actual log. I am logging my situation, if divorce comes up. This blog is a means to protect myself as I am able. Although I will not file for divorce because of the reasons I have listed (being dumb is probably primary), I would not put it past Sybil. It all depends on her FEELINGS. That is the metric I am measured. Since her feelings are always in a state of flux, I will always be short.
I appreciate those that still read my blog. I appreciate even more those that comment. I know what my choices are. I have always known.