Mending Fences

Things have come to a head with Sybil. We had a major blow-up Thursday, and the after shocks are still occurring. There's nothing like being locked in a metal box for 3 hours to provide for some hi jinks.

As you know we had recently visited my parents. The main reason of the visit wasn't seeing my parents (we're not a tight knit family; that's for a later post). Instead, it was to visit one my best friends from high school. He had come home for a visit between duty stations and had just been promoted to sargent-major. In his field, he is a success. It was a great visit. On the way home, Sybil and I were talking about it, and she asked what he made. I had no idea, but I figured he did well. Later that week I ran into someone knowledgeable about such things and asked him.

Last Thursday we were on the road again to meet up with my parents to get our kids. Not thirty minutes into the ride, I tell Sybil what I had found out. Apparently, I had talked quite a bit about my friend and the military. Sybil asked me, if I ever thought about joining the military. I said that not really, but I do have those fleeting "what if" thoughts in my head. No big deal. In previous conversations I had told her that I almost joined the Army right out of high school. Anyway, Sybil freaked out. She started questioning my love for her, the kids, whether I was going to run off and join (which is impossible: I'm almost 40), etc. I tried reassuring her that my talking about it was my happiness for my friend and his success. She thought I was jealous of him, and I wished my life was different. I explained that I had my chance, I don't regret my decision, I love my life, I have no intention of making some radical change, etc. She didn't believe that was what my intentions were.

Apparently, she added the words "recently" to the question "do you ever think about joining?" I missed the recently part. When that was explained to me, I told her that I misheard her, and no, I do not wish I had joined the military. I admit to being guilty of not listening to every word she said. Obviously, I missed that one word. When taking that and my complaining of the stress of my job, she just knew I was unhappy, wanted to leave her and the kids, and join up. Nothing I said could change her mind. I tried to explain that EVERYONE complains about their job/career at some point. Nothing would assure her. I'm still trying to wrap my head around it.

Now, Sybil feels unloved. She feels that I don't love her anymore. She thinks I am staying with her simply for the sake of the kids, or divorce is too expensive for us. She does not believe that I really care about her. The main reason isn't Thursday's blow-up but the aftermath. Whenever we have a blow-up, I'm supposed to broach the subject to her the next day. Since 99% of the time she is mad at me, she expects me to come up to her and bring up the subject. Never mind that we had an hours long argument the day before. If I truly loved her, I would be the one to confront her about it.

I have a problem with that for three reasons:

1. I DO have a problem with confrontation. I have this perverse desire for everyone to like me. I'm the Nice Guy. I don't waves or drama. I want a simple discussion with a simple resolution. After the discussion I want that to filed away into the Past.

2. I'm not the one that "owns" the problem. If I am mad at someone, I am supposed to confront that person. It sounds silly to me. If someone doesn't come to me with a problem, I'm not going to work on fixing the problem. I maybe looking at things wrong, but it almost sounds as if Sybil wants her pound flesh too.

3. With Sybil, there is no simple discussion. I've done the broaching the next day once or twice. It did not change the results of the argument. Re-hashing it does not lead to some greater understanding or an epiphany.

I do not want a divorce. I know all anyone reads here is Sybil's bad side. She is actually a wonderful person. Like anyone else, it's difficult to live with her. Sadly, I have to mend fences with her. I know what she wants; I'm not sure I can make the changes she wants/needs.

Ketchup...er...Catch Up

Sybil and I survived our trip to my folks. We had two spots of drama. One was medium sized and the other small. Neither involved me, directly. Really not a bad trip. For now, Sybil and I are in a good place. I know that won't last long, but I'll enjoy it while I can. This drama centered on my brother's kids. It's complicated. He married, had a kid, divorced, remarried, and now has a combined family. The new daughter seems to get preferential treatment. Sybil expected me to make a comment to my parents about the situation. Not sure how to approach that.

Yesterday, I did read some blog entries. One of the running themes is about sexual mores. One partner (usually the wife but not always) has limitations of what is allowed. Boundaries are set and rarely moved. Others posted about marital sadism: how people in a relationship know what the other wants but refuses to do it.

For my own part, Sybil and I have those problems. She knows what I want but rarely acquiesces. She has two excuses: it's disgusting or she'll be taken for granted. Let's dive into that, shall we?

The first response is disgust. This revolves around certain sex acts, namely oral sex performed on her. Sybil knows one of my biggest things (if not the biggest) is to perform on her. She knows that it is very exciting for me. I've told her how much I enjoy it. In those rare instances that she allows it, she will admit to enjoying it. She explains that she has problems with the hygienic aspect of it. Despite my best efforts to reassure that she has nothing to worry about, Sybil continues to believe that she has something to worry about. I think this would be an example of marital sadism. Sybil knows I like doing this to her; she likes having it done; but she cannot get past the irrational aspect of it. Obviously, if the tables were reversed, I think she would be put out.

The next issue that comes up between is Sybil perform oral sex on me. I am a typical guy in this department. I enjoy receiving oral sex. I'm not sure which I enjoy more. Occasionally, Sybil will perform on me. I enjoy it; she indicates that she enjoys it; yet she rarely does it. When asked, her excuse is I'll come to expect it. I'm sure she believes that. I'm not sure why. Sybil hasn't done it enough for me to take it for granted. If I were receiving her services more than once a quarter, I might be able to make a more accurate judgment. Although this example qualifies as marital sadism, I think it goes more towards control. Sybil wants to have a of control of me.

Sex with Sybil is fairly boring. I make my move; she lays on her back; and that's that. Before anyone says anything about communication, I've been there and done that. These are Sybil's boundaries and nothing I say or do will move them. She has a dichotomy: she wants someone to take control, yet will not allow them to be in control. Cake and eat it too.

Sadly, I think this a common problem in marriages. In my case, I've chosen to quit fighting the current. Dialing down my libido helps some. Mainly I've vastly decreased my expectations. Unlike many people, I can have sex just about anytime. I guess that's something to be thankful for.

Out of Town

Sybil and I will be going to visit my parents this weekend. It always leads to fun and frivolity. Usually a visit like this is good for at least two maybe three posts. I'll be back soon...

Without Further Ado...

I finally have some time to work on my "vacation" post.

Every year at the end of June, the family embarks on its big trip. We visit Sybil's family in a big city in a large state. It is a big to do. Sybil and the kids go for one week, and I join them for another week. Being alone for a week would be heaven, if not for the fact that Sybil and I have cell phones. Anyway, being at Sybil's house means there has to be a certain decorum.

For some background, Sybil is from a large Asian city. She came to the states when she was seven. When we visit her folks, I have to act slightly differently. This usually leads to Sybil's wrath and an ensuing "discussion." Sybil is keenly aware of what people say and do, especially yours truly. This is intensified with her family. She is afraid of embarrassment and causing her folks to feel that journeying to visit is hassle. Of course, it is a hassle. However, I don't mind.

This past trip I did two things that really pissed Sybil off. I accept responsibility for my actions. The things I did would have irritated me too. They were unthinking acts.

The first act occurred at a large mall. All five of us, one of her brothers, and our niece (8) and nephew (4) were with us. We spent several hours there. It was time to eat, and we were trying to decide what to eat. There is a Cheesecake Factory there. The kids and I love cheesecake, and we don't have one here. I thought that would be a nice place to go. Sybil decided that would be too much for the kids. Apparently, she and her brother decided to just eat in the food court. Whatever. I was disappointed but whatever. I asked Sybil what she wanted. At first, she said pizza. I knew that was wrong. Sybil doesn't like pizza. I asked again, and she said she doesn't care. I asked a third time, and she told me to "just walk around and see what's available and call me." She was going to sit with the younger kids whilst I got the food. It was starting to become a hassle, because no one wanted to go to the same place. Finally, I told my kids to go to this chicken franchise. I procured the food and brought it back to the table. I totally forgot to walk around and call Sybil. Needless to say, she was not happy. I asked what she wanted. She didn't know. I offered to walk around, and she said forget it. Son #2 didn't finish his food, so she ate that. I got an earful. At first I stated that all she had to do was look around. That I didn't need to "walk around and call her." Naturally, this means that I only care about myself. After all, I had food.

The other big blow-up occurred later that week. The kids and I waited for Sybil and her sister to return for shopping, so we could all go out for dinner. When she arrived, the first thing she did was loudly say, "Hurry up and get your shoes and socks on, so we can go." I replied, "Alright, alright. Chill out." This crawled all over Sybil. She told me to lighten up. She was only joking. I replied that I was too. I explained that the harshness of her tone, when she walked into the house, caught me off guard. I wasn't trying to be rude or cause a scene. See, it wasn't what I said or how I said it; it was only about causing a scene. This would make her parents feel uncomfortable and ask us not to come back, because it's too big of a hassle. Um...ok. Maybe what I said was a little rude, but I doubt her parents would think we were fighting because we were there. Sybil and I just fight.

Sadly, these two incidents cast a pall over the visit. Sybil harbored resentment towards me. There was no great vacation sex. But, there never is with Sybil (see post about Las Vegas). Other than seeing an MLB game, it was kind of calm. Sybil went shopping a lot with her sister, which kept her out of my hair.

You're probably wishing I posted another video.

Just a Little Something to Tide You Over...

Just a little something to extend my misogynistic leanings. I heard this song and chuckled. I don't really think it is about Sybil...much. I hope to accomplish two things: my first video embedding and putting off my visit-to-the-in-laws post.



Enjoy,
Aphron

I'm Back!

Just survived a week long trip to the in-laws. I've been out of pocket for a little while. I'll be brief. I had fun.

Sybil's attitude remains the same. I'll be the first to admit that I didn't help things much. I'll post about in a couple of days. See, it's not all Sybil's fault.

Also, thanks to Therese for filling in on Friday. Since I had to catch a plane, she was graciously filled in. The "Great Blogger Swap" really came at the perfect time.