Brinkmanship

Sybil was really at again two days ago.  Things had been brewing, so I was not really surprised.  Sadly, now that I know what the wizard behind the curtain looks like, I know this is just another part of the cycle of living the ups and downs of Personality Disorder (PD).  Ironically, we are on an upswing, but I am not getting the dopamine rush that I got in years past.  The knowledge that with every upswing is the inevitable downswing keeps me looking over my shoulder.

The trigger was how I spoke to her.  During the conversation to try to resolve the issue (yeah, yeah...I know), I owned that my demeanor was one of frustration.  However, I kept trying to tell Sybil that I was really just surprised, and it came across as frustration.  As I have withdrawn and trying to go Low Contact, she sensed that and did not like it one bit.  All weekend there were rumblings.

Sunday evening Sybil confronted me with a "need to have a conversation on how to divide our assets".  While I was surprised by the bluntness, I was not really surprised.  Anyway, she was adamant that she wanted the process to be as amicable as possible.  I explained that we have a hard time paying for one household, much less two.  I was told that would be my problem.  I am sure that Sybil really thinks that the cudgel to hit me over the head is money.  Hit me in the pocketbook, and I'll acquiesce to whatever she wants.

Really it is about a 4 year old boy.  He hates when we have this type of conversation.  He will leave the room.  It makes me so sad to see how we affect him.  I am sure that Sybil thinks it is all my fault.  I try to keep my tone civil to keep his anxiety to a minimum.  He is the reason I gave in to her demands of paying more attention to her.  I know I got "played", but I cannot risk creating damage to him by divorce.

How do I know I got "played"?  Easy.  After she got what she wanted, Sybil commenced the upswing.  Now she is loving, happy, etc.  If a person was really serious about killing the family (to me that is what divorce is: murder), then they would not do a 180.  To me that just confirms that Sybil is a manipulative, conniving, shallow person.  Even if she does not have PD, a person that was so serious about destroying the family and in less than a few hours is having sex, that is sure sign of mental illness. 

In my darkest hours, I believe that Sybil sensed that I was less than enamored with her.  Sensing this, I believe that she became pregnant on purpose.  That is a really dark place to go.  That means that she knows about my very strong sense of obligation.  Normally, that might be a good trait, but she uses that to her advantage.  She knows that for the next 14 years, I will continue to stay with her.  As the blinders have come off of my eyes, I realize what is in store for me.  It ain't pretty.