Tuesday, January 19, 2016

The Saga Continues

Well, Sybil and I are stuck.  She is stuck in a world of hurt and resentment.  She feels that I "destroyed" her by ignoring her ask for help with the Christmas cards, and I ignored her by promising to confront my mother about my mother ignoring her (kind of a trend).  I have apologized, I have tried to make amends, but to no avail.  Apparently, my actions (or inaction) "destroyed" her.

During this period, Son #1 and Daughter where home from college until just a few days ago.  There were many times that I would sit up with them, watch TV, and hang out.  Sybil did not like that.  She felt that I was ignoring her.  Now, at no time was she not allowed to hang out with us.  She wanted me to come upstairs and talk with her.  In subsequent conversations, this did not mean a negative conversation, but I'm a little gun shy.  Most of our conversations are negative because they revolve around my failings as a person and how it makes her feel.

This is where Sybil is: stuck.  I am stuck because, while I understand Sybil's hurt feelings, my inactions do not raise to the level of "destroying" her.  I did not beat her; I am not having an affair; I am not struggling with addiction; I did not go out and blow a bunch of money.  Nope.  All I did was get sucked into a TV show when she asked for help, and forget to confront my mother about Sybil being ignored.  To still be having this cloud over us because of her feelings is not logical.  I don't know how to break through and resolve things.  I'm not sure it's possible.  Sybil feels so badly that she is openly talking about divorce.  Despite my pointing out that I didn't do anything that bad, and the devastation a divorce creates in a family.  She is stuck.  I have started a list of things to grab, if she kicks me out.  I want to be able to get out within an hour or less.  Since I am a minimalist at heart, I think this is achievable.  I hope it does not come to that.

What are the reasons for divorce?  Well, the Bible and my Christian faith say that only infidelity.  Period.  At no time is divorce allowed because one's spouse ignored them.  In this blog I have documented a litany of things that could be construed as emotional abuse.  If I were not a Christian and as sociopathic as Sybil thinks, I would have left at any time.  However, I am neither.  No where in the Bible does it say for one's spouse to make him/her happy.  I am not bound to make her happy.  I am commanded to love her as Jesus loves the church.  That is it.  While Sybil understands the basic tenets of Christianity and professes to be a Christian, I do not believe she truly understands the concept.  I pray she will.

Tuesday, December 22, 2015

Wow! A New Post

I haven't died, kidnapped by space aliens, or fallen off the face of the planet.  Truth-be-told, I lost interest in blogging.  I think this happens to a lot of bloggers.  For most of us, it is a hobby...maybe even an obsession.  Eventually, that hobby kinds of fades away.  Having said (written?) that, I do feel moved to write an update about my situation.

There is no update.  My situation is, basically, the same.  Sybil is the same.  Our stress level is the same (high).  I wish I could say we have made some strides into improving things.  We have not.  I think it boils down to a "Frog and Scorpion" kind of thing.  I feel that I will be posting more here because I have a feeling that things are disintegrating.  I feel that, if it were not for the kids, she would have left by now.  She has made threats about divorcing me.  I don't deal well with threats or ultimatums.  Each time she makes that threat, I call her bluff.  Most of it emotional bluster, but who knows?

It would seem that I will be reviving the blog, if for no other purpose, but to document things.  In my profession, we have to extensively document to protect ourselves.  This situation is no different.

Therefore, let us examine the latest event.

Let me preface by saying we had planned on seeing a movie for quite some time.  A new movie theater had been built that was supposed to be awesome.  We explained to the kids that they could not go to the movies until we had gone.  This was explained over and over again.  Now, on the night before we were supposed to go (I bought tickets several days prior), we had a big argument.  To be honest Sybil became enraged with me.  Sybil, Daughter, and I were in the bedroom at night; working.  The television was on and I had headphones on.  Sybil asked for my help with something on her computer.  Since I was in the middle of something, I told her I would help her in a minute.  Unbeknownst to me, I started watching TV.  It was an unconscious act.  Sybil saw this; slammed her laptop shut; and said she was done (she was working on Christmas cards).  I could tell that she was upset.  I apologized and immediately stopped what I was doing and started to help.  Daughter and I started working on the Christmas cards.  Sybil stopped and started another task.  She would not longer participate in helping.  Eventually, it got late Daughter went to bed.  Then it began.  Sybil was very angry.  It stems from the fact that I stopped working and was watching TV, instead of helping her.  I apologized.  She was not mollified.  Sybil went on and on.  We were up to 2 AM arguing.  Finally, I told her that no one TOLD her to do the Christmas cards.  She took that upon herself.  Her vitriol does not fit the infraction.  I apologized many times for being distracted.  To no affect.  Finally, I told her that the conversation was over and I went to sleep.

The new day arrived (the day of the movie).  Sybil is still upset, barely talking to me.  We rehashed the previous night's conversation.  Again, I apologized (she did not feel I was apologizing sincerely nor correctly).  I explained that she needs to get ready to go to the movie.  She says she's not going.  Despite my protestations, she was unmoved.  I took Son #2, instead.  Son #2 and I watched the movie, but the whole time I was stewing in anger and frustration.  I did not enjoy myself.  She won.  The next day she admitted to "cutting off her nose to spite her face".

I am at my wits' end.  I do not know how to handle the immaturity of this woman.  This woman that is quite intelligent and insightful.  My life is miserable.  

The "Red Pill" would instruct me to not care about her emotional outbursts or her spitefulness.  It would say that a parent does not care about the outbursts of a small child, so why should a husband care about the emotional outbursts of crazed woman?  Sadly, the "Red Pill" has to have a bit of shallowness that I do not possess.  I truly care about other's well being, especially my wife's.  We are stuck.  I do not know how to proceed.  I will not divorce her (we have 4 kids and my faith).  I need to find excuses to get away from her.  I need to find ways to be around her less.  What a terrible thing to think much less write.  She's my wife!

Interestingly, I see the same pattern of immaturity in Son #1's girlfriend.  I see this pattern in my mother.  Is this the state of woman?  Or, did I pass this along to my son.  Things have been so contentious for so long that Son #2 has decided he is never getting married.

The struggle continues...

Wednesday, June 04, 2014

No Snip For You!

Sailor asked in the comments from my last post about why Sybil is against any form of permanent birth control.  I wanted to get my thoughts out there, and I felt that a comment would be too long.

First of all, Sybil eschews any time of surgery unless it is definitely required.  A few years ago she was having suspicious pap smears, so the gynecologist was pushing for a partial hysterectomy.  She spoke with her sister's husband (a health care provider in another state), worried and gnashed her teeth, and convinced her gynecologist to just do a LEEP procedure.  Ever since then, she goes every 6 months for a recheck.  This has been years ago.  In fairness to Sybil, it worked; she hasn't had a problem since.

The idea of me getting a vasectomy is not new.  I wanted one after the birth of our third child.  I DID NOT WANT ANYMORE CHILDREN, PERIOD.  Well...you see how that went.  Sybil used the same logic as now: why get something done if you don't need to.  It is unnatural.  Granted this is a want and not a need.  I think there are elements of control in the situation, but overall the problem is her belief in maintaining a whole body.

Since I believe that her body is mine and my body is hers as a married couple, I cannot go against her wishes.  Sadly, this puts us in a terrible bind.  I am just as adamant about her not taking the Pill.  I, firmly, believe the Pill did more to damage our marriage (from my point of view...like others with issues she doesn't really think she had a role to play).  If I am demanding her to not to take the Pill, how can I demand for a vasectomy?

Of course, I could "man up" and just "git 'er dun".  However, the long term ramifications to my marriage would be very, very bad.  Although I complain about my situation on this blog, I do believe in my marriage; I do believe that I should remain marriage; and I do believe that remaining married is the best for my family.  This will have to be one of those situations that I have to give in.

Or...maybe...I'm a puss.


Friday, May 30, 2014

Time for a New Post

Wow!  It has been a year since my last posting.  Things have been very busy with Sybil and me.  I am still working out my issues; I'm not sure I'll ever completely have them resolved.  I have come to some realizations though:

  1. I am an introvert.  Most people will think I am the most outgoing, witty person in the room.  However, being around people tires me out.  Since I am around people all day, I really treasure my alone time.  Unfortunately, my alone time is from 5:45 am to 6:45 am M-F.  Not much there.  In the past, Sybil and the kids would go visit her parents in another state.  I enjoyed my alone time so much that I didn't miss them that much.
  2. Sybil is an extrovert.  She gets her energy from being around people.  She cannot stand being alone.  I guess that is because she has never really been alone.  Being the youngest girl in a family with 7 kids, Sybil was always with someone.  This can create friction, because she cannot understand why I need my space.  I find myself hanging around her because it's just easier.
  3. I have deep areas of resentment towards Sybil.  Over the years, I have chronicled our marriage here in this space.  Ironically, Sybil got off of the Pill last summer.  It was the best 6 weeks of our marriage.  She wasn't a bitch and the sex was great.  It was so great that we had a baby.  Number 4.  We are in our middle age.  Since we have 4 kids and are older, I repeatedly stated my desire for a vasectomy.  However, due to some sort of personality quirk (I think her need to control), Sybil has adamantly refused.  Now what?  I refuse to have her back on the Pill.  I believe it set motion events that led to some of my resentment issues.  She refuses to let either of us be permanently fixed.  We are back to using a condom.  She hates those, too.  Cognitive dissonance is her middle name.
  4. Work is killing me.  With the baby, Sybil became less engaged at work and no longer comes to the office.  It is interesting to note that my blood pressure went way down.  It was borderline needing medication.  Now, it is normal.  I guess being around Sybil was, literally, killing.
  5. Once upon a time, I had some readers of this blog.  My intention was not to have a large audience but to put in words my issues.  Now that I am not joined at the hip with Sybil, I expect my posting to increase.
  6. Don't even get me start on finances.  Cognitive dissonance really shines with Sybil in this arena.  We will never be out of debt; she keeps wanting to spend money.  She justifies it with what she considers as a "need".  With the new kid, this has increased many times over.  Also, Sybil is at home unsupervised.  My goal is get us on a debt reduction budget.  Of all of the things we have fought over (the majority of which are trivial), this will be most major.
That is just a short list of things to grapple with.  Reflecting on things almost seems to make them worse.  Kind of like picking on a sore.  It just hurts without healing.  Depressing.  

Many times over I have come to the realization that this is my lot in life.  Nuke the marriage (permanently damaging the kids and going against my Christian beliefs) or try to polish a turd.  So far, the turd is very shiny.

Wednesday, February 06, 2013

Dearth of Posting

Not much new to report.  I thought I would check in, though.

Sybil almost nuked our marriage last month over some comments I made.  The comments were pretty bad.  I said things like...well...they were so bad that I can't remember them.  I remember thinking what is going on?  What kind of statement is so bad that one would threaten divorce?  I didn't say that I didn't love her, or I don't find her attractive, or her gaining 25 lbs. of weight is off putting.  It was pretty bad, though, because she told me it was.  It was so bad it made Sybil want to end a nearly 20 year marriage. They were that bad.  Too bad I can't remember them.

Throughout the ordeal I was not going to move out of the house.  I told her that she is welcome to move out any time.  Any divorce is strictly her decision.  I do not believe in divorce, unless adultery is involved.

We didn't get divorced.  I don't think because she started to see her lack of logic or she really loves me.  Nope.  It is purely mercenary: she would be broke and lost without me.  All of her income comes from me and, more importantly, her vocation.  Although she has a college degree, she has never had a real job outside of a family business.  Looking for a job in this economy for a 40 year old woman with no past experience would be daunting to say the least.  It would entail asking customers, if they want fries with that.  That killed whatever bug caused her to vehemently state that she wanted a divorce for my horrible comments, that I can't remember.

Thursday, December 13, 2012

I Like to Abuse Myself

Apparently, verbal abuse I receive from Sybil is all my fault.  If only I had (fill in the blank), I would not have forced Sybil to say mean and awful things to me.

On December 10, 2012, Sybil said, "I have to work with stupid."  She was referring to me.  When she said this statement, I had nearly completed closing of the day at our office...as she requested I do.  Apparently, she did not mean for me to actually complete the closing...just get it ready to be complete.  Since she wasn't ready, she totally freaked out, yelled at me, and then told the kids that reason we have to work late is because, "I have to work with stupid."

Today, things are at a standstill.  I have told Sybil that her behavior was unacceptable, that she was abusive to me in front our children, and that she went beyond the boundary.  Throughout all of this she maintains that her comment was made because of what I did.  If I had understood that she didn't mean for me to totally close out the day...only get it ready to be closed out, then she would never have said that.  Basically, it is all of my fault.

Do I think verbal abuse is on the same plane as physical?  No.  Physical abuse can lead to permanent injuries and even death, so there is no way they are on the same plane.  However, years of verbal abuse lead to other problems.

It doesn't matter, really.  What matters is that Sybil feels that she can talk to me in any way she wants at any time she wants.  While I understand people lose their cool which causes them to say and do things they would not normally do, people must at least be apologetic.  No apology is forthcoming because it is all of my fault.

I think that when the youngest son leaves home that will be that.  That will be in less that 5 years.

Monday, October 15, 2012

Seriously?

This article published in New Zealand gives the briefest of glimpses into modern marriage.  It barely scratches the surface of what modern husbands have to look forward to.  However small, this article is a step into the right direction.  Sadly, few men will admit to the veracity of the article and fewer women want to admit to the possibility of this reality existing (see my last post about solipsism).

Is it any wonder that the birthrate of the Western world is dropping?  Seriously, this really isn't news.

Hat tip to Will S. at Patriactionary.