It is hard to fathom that a few weeks ago Sybil was talking about divorce, sleeping separately, me not "wooing" and "groveling at her feet", and now everything seems so normal. In the past I would be sucked in and start to lower my guard. Even before I realized that she has some major issues, I knew this was just a phase. The cycle would continue. Now that I believe that she has Narcissistic Personality Disorder, or at least many traits, I know this is temporary. I know that I will not be able to pedestalize her enough to keep feeding the hungry beast within her.
Maintaining Medium Chill has been a supreme effort. In the past, I would get stuck in a JADE loop of trying to convince Sybil that I had a valid point. Now, I just nod, agree, and try to live my life. What's the point in arguing with someone that does not see me as a worthy person? This knowledge is almost too much to bear, though. Knowing that the person I have given an oath to is so superficial that her oath is meaningless. Knowing that no matter what issues I have, unless I somehow acknowledge hers, then I am being selfish. I know that the one person in my life I should be able to communicate to is also the one person in my life I cannot trust with my thoughts and feelings. I am not even sure I like her as a person. While Sybil may not be as crazy as many out there, living with someone that gives daily, tiny, little verbal paper-cuts is exhausting.
Therefore, I am going to slowly integrate outside "selfish" activities that I know Sybil will never participate in. I have to have some space to breathe. I have to harden my inner core. I have to feign empathy to person that lacks empathy. I will continue the façade of being a loving, caring husband. I don't know how long that will last, though.