Friday, April 21, 2017

Are Narcissistic PDs Negative?



 Are Narcissistic Personality Disordered people negative?  Do they tend to see negativity everywhere they go?  Do they cast a pall over everything?

Sybil seems to only want to see the down sides to everything.  Everything is the end of the world.  The more something is outside her control, the more anxiety she feels over it.  Is it because she feels that the spot light is not shining on her?  Is that the way she can shine the light back on her?

We all have our moments of self-doubt and anxiety over situations.  Sybil tends to way over-react to them.  Example: for Son#3 we have a video monitor for his room.  We can watch him all of the time (kind of creepy...but that was not the hill on which I wanted to die).  I dropped the monitoring unit and broke it.  An accident.  Yes, it would cost us some money, but the reaction I got from Sybil was way over the top.  She came unglued and ranted how I put us in the poor house.  Ironically, she dropped the new monitor months after the incident and nary a peep.

I think NPDs need to feel the calming warmth of control.  They feel a lot of anxiety over situations that are out of their control.  That is one of Sybil's defining traits is the need to be in control...to plan...to make sure every contingency is allotted for.  In doing so, she can "pat herself on the back" for doing a job well.  The lack of control speaks to her deep seated insecurity.  Her insecurity inflames her anxiety to the point of her not sleeping and being difficult with which to live.  Being in control, is like a warm blanket to snuggle in.  This explains Sybil's dislike of adventurous activities, even roller coasters.

Or maybe I'm too much of a Polly Anna.

Wednesday, April 12, 2017

Another Great Article

Whomever Anon is...God bless you.  You must have a bunch of articles saved somewhere.

The latest is this one: 25 Signs of Covert Narcissism: A Special Kind of Mind Game.  I'd say that Sybil has all 25 signs, especially the ability to turn the discussion around onto herself and playing the victim card.  I think the reason I was stuck not wanting to believe that she has narcissistic personality disorder is that part about engaging in engaging in high-risk activities.  That is something Sybil will not do.  Otherwise, she fits the bill.

At the end of the article, the author gives the following advice: "Highly destructive to your self-esteem, if you are with one, you should find your way out while you can still leave with your heart, mind, and sensibilities still intact."  I could not agree more.  Unfortunately, the mind f&@ck a covert narcissist is able to do is unbelievable.  I'm not sure an average person would be able to recognize this personality type, unless they have been down that dark road.  The dopamine of being in a new relationship makes things seem rosier than they really are.

Anyway, the more I study the problem, the more I am confident that Sybil has narcissistic traits...at the very least.  Whether or not she is full on Narcissistic Personality Disorder, I am not a mental health expert, but she seems to fit the bill.  The thing is she is not like a monster all of the time, if she gets her way.  That's the key.

Aye, there's the rub.  If someone always gets their way, then they come to expect to always get their way.  Everyone else becomes a means to an end.  If one refuses to give in, one has to live with a child that is throwing tantrums.  A sane, rational person does not do the things Sybil does, when she is having a fit.  Boundaries are an easy thing to set, but an intelligent covert narcissist is a whole other animal.  Twisting my words and her words around until my head spins.  I've thought of taking notes to keep it all straight.  That just feeds the JADEing, though.

Monday, April 03, 2017

The Wheel Keeps on Turning

The argument in my last post continued until this past Friday.  I was set to go visit my parents (something I rarely do...another post).  Sybil, Daughter, and Son#3 (the toddler) were to come with me.  Due to the argument and not Sybil not getting her hug, she was not going.  When I asked her that morning, her reply was, "You haven't convinced me."  Since she wasn't going, Son#3 wasn't going (Daughter flaked because of school).  Sybil was not going to let me go with our toddler due to him needing two people, which makes some sense.

Sybil blackmailed me.  If I caved and "convinced her", then I will lose the battle and prolong her narcissistic fix.  If I stand firm and just go by myself, my parents will not see their grandchild and create more drama and prolong her narcissistic fix.  In the article The Narcissistic Cycle of Abuse by Christine Hammond (thanks Anon), I saw this being played out in front of my eyes.  In the end, I caved (I didn't want to punish my parents).  I gave her the hug she was so desperately craving.  Thus, I was able to complete the cycle referenced in the article perfectly.

My goal is to peruse the other articles written by Hammond.  I'm hoping she can help with tricks and techniques in dealing with Sybil.  The forum on "Out of the FOG" has been helpful to a point.  At least I know I'm not alone nor crazy.  However, I suspect things are as good as they will get.  I will always be the "villain" in Sybil's world.  She'll always be the victim.  Sybil will always be on that cross, and I will be the centurion holding the spear.

Wednesday, March 29, 2017

Well...That Didn't Last Long

I was going to post this sooner, but time seems to keep slipping away.

On Friday, March 24th, the Hoovering came to an end.  Sybil had to release all of her pent up frustration, and that is usually directed at me.  We had a, literally, 8 (eight) hour fight over...drum roll please...my not listening to her, when she gave her opinion about a minor detail at our office.  I was so exhausted from it she had to drive us home.

Yes, I did get into another JADE loop.  Sybil is adept at probing one's defenses, shifting the offensive.  She is adept at keeping me off balance and trying to ascertain my weaknesses.  I even went to bed in another room.  Of course, Sybil was not finished, so she turns on the light and tries to continue the conversation.  By this time it is nearly midnight.  Finally, I told her I was not going to continue the conversation, I was exhausted, and I had nothing else to say.  I can't even remember all of the details of what she said as she stormed off.  At least she turned the light back off as she left.

I learned something of both of us that I did not realize before coming out of the FOG: I can be broken down.  By refusing to have some sort of resolution (Sybil's resolution was not just an apology but an apology with a hug and other forms of contrite groveling).  Since it does no good to apologize, I have to make sure that I only apologize for actual harm.  Not just hypothetical harm or somehow huwting her feewings.  I am not responsible for how she feels.

Normally, Sybil expects me to bring the conversation back up to have a "resolution" (which we never really have).  I refuse.  The issue is so trivial (she FEELS like I was not listening to her) that I will not get into it.  So welcome to détente.

Thursday, March 23, 2017

This Sucks

Well, Sybil and I have reached a dénouement.  She has become more affectionate, using sex as a means to manipulate me (I think).  In the past, I was hopeful this was some sort of turning point.  I was suffering from some form of amnesia or at least wishful thinking.  I have no doubt the cycle will continue and we will be at odds.

It is hard to fathom that a few weeks ago Sybil was talking about divorce, sleeping separately, me not "wooing" and "groveling at her feet", and now everything seems so normal.  In the past I would be sucked in and start to lower my guard.  Even before I realized that she has some major issues, I knew this was just a phase.  The cycle would continue.  Now that I believe that she has Narcissistic Personality Disorder, or at least many traits, I know this is temporary.  I know that I will not be able to pedestalize her enough to keep feeding the hungry beast within her.

Maintaining Medium Chill has been a supreme effort.  In the past, I would get stuck in a JADE loop of trying to convince Sybil that I had a valid point.  Now, I just nod, agree, and try to live my life.  What's the point in arguing with someone that does not see me as a worthy person?  This knowledge is almost too much to bear, though.  Knowing that the person I have given an oath to is so superficial that her oath is meaningless.  Knowing that no matter what issues I have, unless I somehow acknowledge hers, then I am being selfish.  I know that the one person in my life I should be able to communicate to is also the one person in my life I cannot trust with my thoughts and feelings.  I am not even sure I like her as a person.  While Sybil may not be as crazy as many out there, living with someone that gives daily, tiny, little verbal paper-cuts is exhausting.

Therefore, I am going to slowly integrate outside "selfish" activities that I know Sybil will never participate in.  I have to have some space to breathe.  I have to harden my inner core.  I have to feign empathy to person that lacks empathy.  I will continue the façade of being a loving, caring husband.  I don't know how long that will last, though.

Wednesday, March 15, 2017

Fight It Out




I could spend my time fisking these emails, but I won't. Instead, I swallowed my pride. I told Sybil the emails came from the heart, I've been distant, and I'll try to do better. Now, I can catch my breath until tomorrow's drama.

Monday, March 13, 2017

Right Where We Left Off

Well...the week of peace is definitely over.  Nice to have a big blow up this morning and make me late getting the office.

The reason? I was too tired to stay up past 11:00 to talk with Sybil (the thing she admits to craving).  While I explained I was up late the night before and had gotten up early in an attempt to catch up on "to do's" and just get the house clean, her reply was "well, the vacuum cleaner was left out".  Yep. Therefore, I had no excuse for being tired.  I should have been awake for her.  I was awake for everyone the kids; why not her (I'm not sure what she means on that one)?  Let the JADEing begin.  Old habits die hard.  Even while I was doing it, I seemed to compulsively continue trying to, somehow, reach her.  I knew it was fool's errand, but I could not help myself.  Naturally, the conversation devolved into a circular argument about how I treat her badly, "have I made a decision about our relationship?" (hell, I thought we were married!), and I only care about my feelings.  Again, I let myself get sucked into the conversation.  I failed at stopping the JADE from happening.

That is why I am so frustrated.  In this situation, I reverted back to my old habits.  I am not angry at Sybil.  It's like being angry at a child for acting like a child.  I expect it.  No, I am angry with myself for not disengaging and maintaining Medium Chill.  Instead, we spewed vitriol at each other (I was pretty restrained, considering).  I see that I have my work cut out for me.  Undoing 23 years of bad habits will take a long time.  I have even started thinking about getting counseling.  That is one of the things I struggle with: asking for help.  Pride.

Anyway, Sybil asking that question about our "relationship" means she will never accept her role in this dysfunction.  But, I already knew that.