Tuesday, February 14, 2017

Finally Starting to Click


It has taken an inordinate amount of time for things to become clear.  We are all a product of our upbringing no matter how much we wish we could escape it.  Therefore, I did not really know what normal behavior was.  I mean, sure, I didn't like the way Sybil acts.  My mother acts kind of crazy giving into fits of anger even rage; I thought that was a normal reaction to negative stimuli.  My father, whom I have the highest respect for, did not really deal with my mother well.  Instead of setting boundaries of behavior and calling her out for bad behavior, he tended to pull back and distance himself from her.  Interestingly, after his retirement, he has kind "gone his own way".  He does whatever he wants: camping, motorcycle riding, visiting friends.  They don't even sleep together.  He invites Mom, but he does not expect her to go (and probably does not want her to).  Mom seems to not understand her part in their situation.  She may have moments of crystal clarity, but she does not really see herself as the catalyst.

Ironically, Sybil has many of the same traits as Mom.  That's why she does not really like my mother.  Sybil, subconsciously, sees herself in her.  The way Mom treats Dad is very similar to the way Sybil treats me: a lot snark.  Who would wants to put up with that?  So Dad disengaged.  He ignores.  Naturally, a PD person hates being ignored.  This only aggravates the situation.

In other news...Sybil decided to start something again last night.  I don't think I maintained my Medium Chill very well.  I still think that I am dealing with a normal person and can appeal to their intellect.  I always forget they are like the Terminator.  Sybil is a high functioning PD, in my opinion.  This makes it even worse because no one knows her like I do.  Anyway, she feels that I am too disengaged, too remote, she needs verbal stimulation.  That's code for she needs verbal drama.  I recognize the trap.  She wants me to unpack my heart, tell her my feelings, and then we can spend hours arguing why I am wrong to feel a certain way.  I've seen this movie before; I know how it ends.  Sybil doesn't really care how I feel; she only care that she is right.  If she is right, then I must be wrong.  Binary thinking. I can tell that I've got a lot of work ahead of me.

Friday, February 10, 2017

Despair

So now I'm coming to grips with my situation.  Thanks to Anon, I went to the sites he/she posted in the comments in my last entry.  I went to "Healing from Narcissistic Abuse".  Not very many posts. However, the one that really struck home was not the one linked in the comments, but the one about codependency.  Many of those traits I saw in myself.  That's where the despair comes into play.

There was a time where I was much more "Alpha".  I was very self-assured.  It's amazing what 23 years of gaslighting will do.  The Stockholm Syndrome thing, I guess.  Sybil had me questioning myself that maybe I was more than just a normal person that stumbled; maybe I am a selfish jerk.  I know she has used those exact words so many times over the years.  Gaslighting is an insidious  phenomenon.  Over time...like water on a rock...it breaks down the target's defenses until the target is left kind of a shell of his former self.  Then the narcissist complains that the target is a door mat.  The target can barely draw a breath.

At this point, my despair arises because my personality will not allow me to do the one thing that I probably should do: divorce Sybil.  I am "built" to try to be honorable and to some degree stoic.  For the first time I find myself at odds with myself.  As I explore the depths, I find that it has caused my libido to crater.  I have read articles and blog posts by women that complain their husbands are not interested in sex.  I believe the problem is not their husband but the women.  I wonder how many are like Sybil: never happy, always complaining, overly dramatic, lacking empathy?  Unless the husband has some physical ailment, I believe the husband just wants to get away from the harpy with whom they are cohabitating.

It will be interesting to see how the saga unfolds.

Monday, January 30, 2017

I did it...I Went Full Retard



After over 23 years I've finally nailed down Sybil. She does have a personality disorder: Narcissistic.

Here's the situation that crystallized my thinking:

Two days ago, I had to be gone from sun up until sun down. I left the house at 5:30AM and did not get back until 7:30 PM.  During my absence, Sybil texted my that one of our cats had fecal matter stuck to her butt.  Apparently, it came off on my side of the bed. Ha Ha, right? I texted back dumb cat and please change sheets. Seven hours later, I come home and find that the sheets had not been changed. I expressed my extreme displeasure (I was pissed) and stormed off.  This set off a flurry of activity to change the sheets.  Naturally, Sybil was the opposite of contrite.  How could I get angry?  She stated that "I would never let me sleep on cat poop".  Since she had all of her work on the bed, moving it would impede her work.  According to Sybil, I was over reacting.  A long fight ensued. Since I was so tired that I could drop, I finally just said whatever and went to sleep.  Sybil never thought she did anything wrong.  She kept repeating, "I would never let you sleep on cat poop".

This exchange was illuminating.  For years I have been reacting instead of learning.  I was being knocked off balance instead of realizing that this is a gambit that Sybil uses.  During this whole episode, there was no statement of remorse for leaving soiled sheets on the bed.  It was only about how my demands inconvenienced her or I was over-reacting.  All I could think about was the incident with the seat warmer.  The incident where I did not turn her seat warmer on, so she felt that I did not really love her.  In my mind, a less than warm seat is not nearly as bad as leaving cat feces covered sheet on the bed for over SEVEN hours.  This where things became apparent that I am living with someone with narcissistic tendencies.  Both illuminate that it is all about Sybil.  She does not really love anyone but herself.  I'm not sure where I fit in her universe.  Question is does Sybil have narcissistic personality disorder?

Never go full retard.

Stay tuned.

Wednesday, January 25, 2017

Time for an Update

It's quiet...too quiet.  Sybil has pulled her anger back, started acting loving, and seems normal.  I'm left with my defenses on full alert.  After 23 years, I'm finally learning that this is the quiet before the storm.  Yeah, I'm that slow of a learner.

I'm really, really questioning her sanity.  What I used to chalk up to hormonal fluctuations, I know am wondering whether she is truly bipolar.  That is something I will be exploring in the coming days.  I'm starting to feel that she has highs and lows.

Something else I've noticed: "love bombing".  After periods of intense conflict, Sybil acts very loving, very sexual.  It seems that she kind of notices that she has gone too far and is trying to reel me back in.  What she does not see (and I've not discussed) is that each time she goes ballistic over an inconsequential thing, I put the shields up.  I trust her less and less.  I feel less and less connected.  I feel anxiety not knowing when the shoe will drop.

Stay tuned...

Wednesday, January 04, 2017

Did It Again

Careful, young Jedi.
"What are my goals for the new year?" asks Sybil.  Caught unawares, I state improve office efficiency, work on work/life balance, develop a hobby.

Boy, was I wrong.

I was supposed to say, "I am reflecting on myself as a person and will strive to improve upon myself, especially in the area of how selfish and uncaring I am."

I walked right into the trap.  I had no idea that Sybil was testing me to see what I was thinking and whether I cared enough about her feelings to make the necessary changes in myself to satisfy her.  She was disappointed that I never stated that was my intention.  I did not indicated that my goal this year was to strive towards self-improvement.

Naturally, an argument ensued.  Again, I was left trying to appeal to Sybil's feelings using reason.  A losing course of action.  One cannot oppose rhetoric with dialectic.  I am ill-equipped in the rhetoric department.  Losing proposition.

Of course, Sybil cannot see the hubris she has in demanding that I change.  Firstly, the change she wants is for me to focus on the little things.  We're not talking about me coming home drunk at 3 am, spending all of our money, nor having some sort of a problem chasing women.  Nope.  We're talking about turning the seat warmer on in the truck, making sure I pack her the right lunch, etc.  The things that really matter, right?

It almost feels like she is tying to push me into divorcing her.  Since I have taken divorce off of the table (religious reasons and 'for the children'), it will have to be Sybil that pulls the trigger.  Of course, my not willing to divorce her diminishes my leverage over her.

At this rate, the New Year will definitely be exciting.

Thursday, December 29, 2016

Quick Update


I don't have much to update.  Still simmering resentment from Sybil to me.  Sadly, this creates simmering resentment from me to Sybil.  Sybil feels strongly the incident with the truck shows a pattern of loving her enough.  No matter that it may have caused me to go from a chest cold to bronchitis with the me having to take the meds to treat it.  No resolution.  Just a long running argument.  We are terrible in conflict resolution.

When do the "shit tests" end?  Never.  A good running example is Sybil saying I need to "woo" her.  Ok...never mind that we've been married 23 years, so why do I have to treat her like we are still dating.  People get married so they don't have to date.  Anyway, the shit test goes like this:

Step 1 - Sybil says I don't ask her out and plan an outing.  I don't make a fun date.
Step 2 - Ask Sybil out.  Sybil complains about the why I am asking her for a Friday night date, instead of a night that is closer (it's Tuesday).
Step 3 - Change it from Friday to Thursday after we do a few things at the business for the end of the year.  Sybil complains that I ask her to go out after I made her work (we came to an agreement about the day).
Step 4 - Complain about the way I ask her out.
Step 5 - I am angry and don't really want to take her out.
Step 6 - Repeat until one of us dies.

It never ends.  Ask me to do something nice and then complain.  Did that with Valentine's (I bought her a small box of candy; she did not like how it tasted; and she bought me nothing...not even physical affection).  I don't expect her to do anything nice for me.  On the rare occasions she does something for me, I appreciate it.  Sybil expects me to show her love by perfectly "wooing" her and holds it against me when her expectations are not met.  Since Sybil has such high expectations, she is always disappointed.  Never satisfied.  That's the fundamental difference: I do not expect anything from anyone; Sybil expects perfection from everyone.  She is disappointed which adds to her negativity.

Not too hopeful about the New Year.

Tuesday, December 20, 2016

No Good Deed Ever Goes Unpunished

So it's winter time, almost.  The temperatures are pretty chilly even for our area.

This morning Sybil and I are trying to leave to go to the office.  Son #3 wakes up right before we need to leave.  Since he's two, that is a problem.  Daughter is there to help, but the boy loves his mother.  I tell Sybil that'll go start my vehicle to get it warm for her and she can sneak out when able.

I go to the vehicle and get it started.  The temp is 33 degrees.  I cannot go back inside because we are trying to sneak away from Son #3.  I decide to sit in the vehicle while it warms up.  I figure the odds that Sybil can get away are about 65 to 35 against.  After waiting about 10 minutes, Sybil manages to come out the front door.  I move the vehicle closer so she can get in without having to manage with the edge of drive way.  Her first comment is my not have the seat warmer on for her. The second time she made that comment, I told her I made the whole vehicle warm.

Apparently, Sybil had time to think on the way to the office. As soon as we were in the warmth of the building, she let me know how I failed. I didn't have the vehicle positioned correctly (so Son #3 could not hear), I did not have seat warmer on, and I did not get her bag. I explained that those issues seem to totally negate the fact that I sat in a cold vehicle for 15 minutes. 1 told her that there is no point in trying to do something nice for her because she will find a way to turn it into a negative.