Wednesday, February 06, 2013

Dearth of Posting

Not much new to report.  I thought I would check in, though.

Sybil almost nuked our marriage last month over some comments I made.  The comments were pretty bad.  I said things like...well...they were so bad that I can't remember them.  I remember thinking what is going on?  What kind of statement is so bad that one would threaten divorce?  I didn't say that I didn't love her, or I don't find her attractive, or her gaining 25 lbs. of weight is off putting.  It was pretty bad, though, because she told me it was.  It was so bad it made Sybil want to end a nearly 20 year marriage. They were that bad.  Too bad I can't remember them.

Throughout the ordeal I was not going to move out of the house.  I told her that she is welcome to move out any time.  Any divorce is strictly her decision.  I do not believe in divorce, unless adultery is involved.

We didn't get divorced.  I don't think because she started to see her lack of logic or she really loves me.  Nope.  It is purely mercenary: she would be broke and lost without me.  All of her income comes from me and, more importantly, her vocation.  Although she has a college degree, she has never had a real job outside of a family business.  Looking for a job in this economy for a 40 year old woman with no past experience would be daunting to say the least.  It would entail asking customers, if they want fries with that.  That killed whatever bug caused her to vehemently state that she wanted a divorce for my horrible comments, that I can't remember.

Thursday, December 13, 2012

I Like to Abuse Myself

Apparently, verbal abuse I receive from Sybil is all my fault.  If only I had (fill in the blank), I would not have forced Sybil to say mean and awful things to me.

On December 10, 2012, Sybil said, "I have to work with stupid."  She was referring to me.  When she said this statement, I had nearly completed closing of the day at our office...as she requested I do.  Apparently, she did not mean for me to actually complete the closing...just get it ready to be complete.  Since she wasn't ready, she totally freaked out, yelled at me, and then told the kids that reason we have to work late is because, "I have to work with stupid."

Today, things are at a standstill.  I have told Sybil that her behavior was unacceptable, that she was abusive to me in front our children, and that she went beyond the boundary.  Throughout all of this she maintains that her comment was made because of what I did.  If I had understood that she didn't mean for me to totally close out the day...only get it ready to be closed out, then she would never have said that.  Basically, it is all of my fault.

Do I think verbal abuse is on the same plane as physical?  No.  Physical abuse can lead to permanent injuries and even death, so there is no way they are on the same plane.  However, years of verbal abuse lead to other problems.

It doesn't matter, really.  What matters is that Sybil feels that she can talk to me in any way she wants at any time she wants.  While I understand people lose their cool which causes them to say and do things they would not normally do, people must at least be apologetic.  No apology is forthcoming because it is all of my fault.

I think that when the youngest son leaves home that will be that.  That will be in less that 5 years.

Monday, October 15, 2012

Seriously?

This article published in New Zealand gives the briefest of glimpses into modern marriage.  It barely scratches the surface of what modern husbands have to look forward to.  However small, this article is a step into the right direction.  Sadly, few men will admit to the veracity of the article and fewer women want to admit to the possibility of this reality existing (see my last post about solipsism).

Is it any wonder that the birthrate of the Western world is dropping?  Seriously, this really isn't news.

Hat tip to Will S. at Patriactionary.

Wednesday, September 19, 2012

I Was Wrong...

I am not the brightest bulb in the chandelier.  Sometimes it takes a long time for something to sink into my consciousness.  I seem to hold fast to my ideals in spite of mounting evidence to the contrary.  After reading this post (and the second definition), I see that I was wrong to think that Sybil is narcissistic.  I thought that because she was incapable of empathy towards others, especially those closest to her, that she must be a narcissus.  I struggled with definitions of her personality and with trying to find out what is wrong with her.  The answer was staring me in the face.  She is like all of the other women that I have known: she is immersed in solipsism.  

Narcissism deals with loving oneself more than anyone else.  There is no room for anyone else.  While this does kind of define Sybil, it is incomplete.  I do not think she has total self love.  Instead, I think there is an underlying loathing because she cannot handle imperfection.  Since all are imperfect, she cannot totally love herself.  No, she is engaged in solipsism.  The reason she has no empathy towards others is because she cannot fathom anything outside of herself.  Every thought, every conversation, every gesture, every nuanced bit of body language is seen through a lens of how it affects her.  Like tumblers in a lock, it clicked.  No wonder she gets so angry over the wrong facial expression, the wrong comment, the wrong gesture.  Sybil default setting is to believe everything is directed towards herself.  

The reason I say I'm not the brightest bulb is because I have been seeing this pattern of behavior my whole life.  I just was so into the "now" that I did not stop and think about what I was experiencing.  All of the women that I am closest to are completely enmeshed in solipsism.  My mother laying on the couch complaining about her life while dad worked 50 hours a week.  Girlfriends that played with my feelings.  Sybil...well we know about Sybil.  Sadly, it has taken 43 years for me to wake up.  I will not say that all women are this way.  I can only say that all of the women I have experience with are this way.  To say that women are better than men in empathy, in compromise, in a general live-and-let-live attitude has not been my experience.

The curtain has been rudely pulled back.  The wizard is just a sad, little man.

Tuesday, September 04, 2012

Why I Blog

I wish things were improving with Sybil and me.  Unfortunately, they are not.  Why am I still with her?  Like everything else in life...it's complicated.  

First of all, I am not the brightest bulb in the chandelier.  Looking back, I see a pattern of behavior that was there from the beginning of our marriage.  Sybil is narcissistic.  Only her feelings matter.  In the last post I wrote about the camping thing.  As it turns out, Sybil only "felt" that I had ruined the kids on camping.  She never actually asked them.  Since how she feels about something trumps everyone else's, she feels totally justified in LYING about it.  When confronted, she will say that I provoked her (made an ugly face, talked to her with sarcasm, whatever).  I have endured 19 years of this because I thought that was what I supposed to do.  I thought that two adults come together and try to iron out their differences.  If unable, then they just work on accepting the other person for who they are.  I know, I know...I'm pretty dumb.  Sadly, we all see the world through our own prism.  It's hard to really see the world for what it is.

Secondly, we have kids.  I strongly believe that becoming a parent means you have to set aside one's unhappiness to take care of one's kids.  The role of parents is to raise the kids.  That doesn't mean in separate houses.  However, I don't think I would have gone through all of this if we didn't have kids.

Thirdly, I am a Christian.  I take it to heart that God hates divorce.  The only reason for divorce is adultery.  Not because I am unhappy.

The reason I started this blog was to cope with being married to Sybil (Sybil may have a different take on things.  She can start her own blog).  It seemed that I was losing my mind.  I could not believe a rational adult could behave this way.  Of course, that assumes she is rational.  So, at first I started this blog as a catharsis.  Now the blog has become an actual log.  I am logging my situation, if divorce comes up.  This blog is a means to protect myself as I am able.  Although I will not file for divorce because of the reasons I have listed (being dumb is probably primary), I would not put it past Sybil.  It all depends on her FEELINGS.  That is the metric I am measured.  Since her feelings are always in a state of flux, I will always be short.

I appreciate those that still read my blog.  I appreciate even more those that comment.  I know what my choices are.  I have always known.

Wednesday, August 29, 2012

Stalemate

What to do when a couple is at a stalemate?  That is where Sybil and I are now.  Neither wants to budge about the latest explosion.  Frankly, I'm too tired of the whole drama queen act.  The toll it has taken on me emotionally has reached its limit.

How did this come to pass?  Like everything else it is my fault (at least in Sybil's eyes).  On Sunday we finished moving Son #1 into his dorm room.  It was getting late, he had stuff to do, and we have to be at our office early the next day.  We stopped at a fast food place for a quick bite before the drive home.  We had a pleasant time.  Chit-Chatting about stuff: first kid in college and all of the stuff that goes along with that.  Sybil complimented me on my being laid back about having to drive to the college, again, to finish with the room set-up.  I say "again" because we were there on Saturday.  Sybil did not like how the room was arranged, so we drove back there on Sunday.  No biggee to me.  Anyway, we gas up the car and get on the interstate to go home.  It's getting late, and I am driving above the speed limit.  I was doing around 80 mph (speed limit is 70).  This was the same speed I used to drive to our destination earlier, and I was driving the same speed back home.  No biggee.  Or I thought.  As we get closer to the medium sized city that close to our town, I have to slow down because of being cut off by another car.  I move around the car and put my cruise control back on.  Since we had slowed considerably, the car shifted to a lower gear causing the engine to rev at a higher RPM.  After passing the offending car, I moved back to our lane (here the speed limit was 65).  Sybil heard the engine noise and said that I am driving to fast and asked me to slow down.  I did not say anything, but I did make a face.  She asked me what the face was about, and I told her that it was for her nagging commentS.  Oooh, it's on.

First of all, Sybil becomes angry at me for saying commentS.  She only made one commenT.  Secondly, I was rude for making a face about her commenT.  She has a right to express herself and make a commenT about something that may affect her (driving too fast leading to death and/or dismemberment).  I tell her it's no biggee.  Wrong.  It is a biggee for someone with all of those speeding tickets.  WHAT?  I think to myself.  I ask her how many speeding tickets have I gotten in the last 10 years?  She says 4 or 5.  I inform her that I got ONE speeding ticket.  I ask her how many has she gotten?  She says it doesn't matter.  I push the issue.  We agree that she had ONE, also.  It still means that I was rude for making a face and stating that she made nagging commentS.  Fine.  I apologize, if I was rude and for saying commentS instead of commenT (she did only make one comment).  She rejects my apology.

We continue along this vein for awhile.  Then Sybil drops the bombshell: I not know how to compromise.  Actually, my lack of being able to compromise has led to the kids hating to go camping.  WHAT?  I think to myself.  There is a back story that is too long to get into.  Suffice it to say that I wanted to go camping this Labor Day weekend but cancelled it due to campground conditions.  It was difficult for me.  I struggled with it, but I DID MAKE THE CALL.  Anyway, WTF is going on?  She brought our kids into our argument.  Also, she totally contradicted herself.  It was just about two hours earlier when she was complimenting me on being so understanding and, oh I don't know, compromising.  I point out her cognitive dissonance.  Big mistake I know.  I couldn't help it.  She informs me that was to make me feel better but she didn't really mean it.  My last words on the subject was "I can't argue with that logic" and I left the room.

We haven't really spoken since.  Sybil's narcissism and inability to be a fully mature adult is astounding.    My mistake is thinking I am dealing with a rational, fair-minded individual.  It is my fault for not remembering who I am dealing with.  I will never get a rational, fair-minded response from Sybil when it has anything to do with me.

Friday, August 24, 2012

Joining the world of Twitter

Well...I'm entering the world of Twitter.  I kind of find it a waste of time, but I think Tweeting Sybil's rantings may be enjoying.  For me anyway.  Ha.  For those that care (both of you), it may provide some fun and take your mind off of your problems.  So look at the sidebar.  I hope to update when able.  Since we are moving our older son into college this weekend, I know there will be something to Tweet about.

Stay tuned.