Tuesday, December 06, 2016

Powerless

Many times those that have been in a car wreck know that everything seems to slow down and no matter what the wreck still happened.  It's like the event was pre-ordained and no matter what there was going to be a wreck.  That's how it's going with us.  Here is a nice pic of what Sybil presented to me last night:        

Sybil in her altruistic way spent valuable time Googling, downloading, printing, and completing a divorce petition for me, or that was the reason she gave me.  I just do not know how to respond.  If I REALLY wanted a divorce, I would taken care of this myself.  I'm not the one that during every spat that isn't going my way starting saying I want a divorce. We seem to have one about every Sunday.  Makes for an interesting Monday.

Quick details for documentation's sake: Saturday morning I did not pickup the rent check because Son#2 had a parade (we didn't know).  I had something to do at the office and did not feel that I would have time to pick up the rent check and be back in time for the us to go to the parade.  I thought I communicated with Sybil, but I guess I did not.  Anyway, major blow up.  When I get home from office to go to the parade, she calls me and starts yelling.  It's stereo due to yelling from upstairs and into my phone.  Calls me a liar because I thought I had talked with her.  We got off of the phone.  I took Son#3 outside to play.  Thought about it.  Came back in, apologized, gave her affection, asked forgiveness, did not receive.  After the parade, we eventually get the rent check.  On the way, we go through the conversation again.  Sybil lets me know how hurtful it was that I did not follow through with the plan and communicate with her.  I was contrite and accepted responsibility.  Later that night, she got a text from Son#2 that Son #3 like Reese's candy.  I try to let her know that I have a weakness for these kinds of foods (she had just bought 2 packages of Chocolate Chunk cookies) and to not buy them.  I let her know that I struggle with sugar and may be a sugar addict.  Instead of trying show empathy or concern, she spends most of the conversation poking holes in my theory.  I get angry because, again, she does not seem to take my concerns seriously.  Sybil knew I was angry, and I know this because she told Son#2 that I was angry.  If the roles were reversed, she would expect me to confront and comfort her to assuage her angry towards me.  She did not do this with me.  I do not expect her to, because I will confront you if I have a problem with you.  Anyway, the next day during conversation I said made comments in a way she disapproved.  I don't think I was angry still (I never expected her to talk with me, and I knew that talking with her would go nowhere).  Later she asked, if she had done anything wrong and I told her no.  I told her I had apologized for the way my words came out.  Since she started the conversation, I took the opportunity to express my irritation (by now) with how she talked to me last evening.  Eventually, she gave a verbal apology.  Normally, I would accept it, but Sunday I could not.  Too many times I've apologized for the slightest infraction, and my apology not being good enough.  The reason Sybil would not accept my apology was the way it was delivered: no showing of true remorse and emotion in my delivery.  I did not hug and comfort her.  On Sunday I pointed out that Sybil did the same thing that I do to her.  I pointed out that her apology was no different than the way I deliver one and she was not following her dictum.  Her reply?  Full on snark.  She replied, "Since when did you become an expert on apologies?"  I gave her a chance to walk it back; she doubled down.  Things went downhill from there.  So she performed a web search, downloaded, printed, and completed a Petition for Divorce.  Her rationale is that she did it because that is what I wanted.

At this point, I do not know who is the crazy one.  I'm sure her point of view is different.  I'm sure she feels justified in doing and saying everything she did.  However, at no point during the 23 years of marriage did I present her with said Petition.  On about 3 occasions I have used the "Divorce" word in a heated moment.  Sybil has come to use during nearly every spat.  One thing I have come to realize is that we do not have the ability to resolve conflict.  I have to realize (because she has told me so) that I will never receive forgiveness for past transgressions.  I have come to realize that I must take steps for my protection.

Today I opened an account with an online bank.  I am resolving to set up some savings.  If she nukes our marriage, I have to be prepared.  My goal is to put enough money in the account to pay a lawyer to be on retainer and get a place to live.  I have to expect to be ejected from our house.  The Sword of Damocles hangs over me.  I hope to have several thousand dollars set aside within a year.  That may not be realistic, but that is my goal.  Sybil just does not understand the toll a divorce will take on her, the kids, and me.  It would devastate the kids; she would actually have to get a real job (she worked in her family's restaurant and has been working in my business after that); and we would be thrust into poverty.  Sybil has no concept of setting up and sticking to a budget.  In fairness, I struggle in that regard, too.

Developing...

Tuesday, January 19, 2016

The Saga Continues

Well, Sybil and I are stuck.  She is stuck in a world of hurt and resentment.  She feels that I "destroyed" her by ignoring her ask for help with the Christmas cards, and I ignored her by promising to confront my mother about my mother ignoring her (kind of a trend).  I have apologized, I have tried to make amends, but to no avail.  Apparently, my actions (or inaction) "destroyed" her.

During this period, Son #1 and Daughter where home from college until just a few days ago.  There were many times that I would sit up with them, watch TV, and hang out.  Sybil did not like that.  She felt that I was ignoring her.  Now, at no time was she not allowed to hang out with us.  She wanted me to come upstairs and talk with her.  In subsequent conversations, this did not mean a negative conversation, but I'm a little gun shy.  Most of our conversations are negative because they revolve around my failings as a person and how it makes her feel.

This is where Sybil is: stuck.  I am stuck because, while I understand Sybil's hurt feelings, my inactions do not raise to the level of "destroying" her.  I did not beat her; I am not having an affair; I am not struggling with addiction; I did not go out and blow a bunch of money.  Nope.  All I did was get sucked into a TV show when she asked for help, and forget to confront my mother about Sybil being ignored.  To still be having this cloud over us because of her feelings is not logical.  I don't know how to break through and resolve things.  I'm not sure it's possible.  Sybil feels so badly that she is openly talking about divorce.  Despite my pointing out that I didn't do anything that bad, and the devastation a divorce creates in a family.  She is stuck.  I have started a list of things to grab, if she kicks me out.  I want to be able to get out within an hour or less.  Since I am a minimalist at heart, I think this is achievable.  I hope it does not come to that.

What are the reasons for divorce?  Well, the Bible and my Christian faith say that only infidelity.  Period.  At no time is divorce allowed because one's spouse ignored them.  In this blog I have documented a litany of things that could be construed as emotional abuse.  If I were not a Christian and as sociopathic as Sybil thinks, I would have left at any time.  However, I am neither.  No where in the Bible does it say for one's spouse to make him/her happy.  I am not bound to make her happy.  I am commanded to love her as Jesus loves the church.  That is it.  While Sybil understands the basic tenets of Christianity and professes to be a Christian, I do not believe she truly understands the concept.  I pray she will.

Tuesday, December 22, 2015

Wow! A New Post

I haven't died, kidnapped by space aliens, or fallen off the face of the planet.  Truth-be-told, I lost interest in blogging.  I think this happens to a lot of bloggers.  For most of us, it is a hobby...maybe even an obsession.  Eventually, that hobby kinds of fades away.  Having said (written?) that, I do feel moved to write an update about my situation.

There is no update.  My situation is, basically, the same.  Sybil is the same.  Our stress level is the same (high).  I wish I could say we have made some strides into improving things.  We have not.  I think it boils down to a "Frog and Scorpion" kind of thing.  I feel that I will be posting more here because I have a feeling that things are disintegrating.  I feel that, if it were not for the kids, she would have left by now.  She has made threats about divorcing me.  I don't deal well with threats or ultimatums.  Each time she makes that threat, I call her bluff.  Most of it emotional bluster, but who knows?

It would seem that I will be reviving the blog, if for no other purpose, but to document things.  In my profession, we have to extensively document to protect ourselves.  This situation is no different.

Therefore, let us examine the latest event.

Let me preface by saying we had planned on seeing a movie for quite some time.  A new movie theater had been built that was supposed to be awesome.  We explained to the kids that they could not go to the movies until we had gone.  This was explained over and over again.  Now, on the night before we were supposed to go (I bought tickets several days prior), we had a big argument.  To be honest Sybil became enraged with me.  Sybil, Daughter, and I were in the bedroom at night; working.  The television was on and I had headphones on.  Sybil asked for my help with something on her computer.  Since I was in the middle of something, I told her I would help her in a minute.  Unbeknownst to me, I started watching TV.  It was an unconscious act.  Sybil saw this; slammed her laptop shut; and said she was done (she was working on Christmas cards).  I could tell that she was upset.  I apologized and immediately stopped what I was doing and started to help.  Daughter and I started working on the Christmas cards.  Sybil stopped and started another task.  She would not longer participate in helping.  Eventually, it got late Daughter went to bed.  Then it began.  Sybil was very angry.  It stems from the fact that I stopped working and was watching TV, instead of helping her.  I apologized.  She was not mollified.  Sybil went on and on.  We were up to 2 AM arguing.  Finally, I told her that no one TOLD her to do the Christmas cards.  She took that upon herself.  Her vitriol does not fit the infraction.  I apologized many times for being distracted.  To no affect.  Finally, I told her that the conversation was over and I went to sleep.

The new day arrived (the day of the movie).  Sybil is still upset, barely talking to me.  We rehashed the previous night's conversation.  Again, I apologized (she did not feel I was apologizing sincerely nor correctly).  I explained that she needs to get ready to go to the movie.  She says she's not going.  Despite my protestations, she was unmoved.  I took Son #2, instead.  Son #2 and I watched the movie, but the whole time I was stewing in anger and frustration.  I did not enjoy myself.  She won.  The next day she admitted to "cutting off her nose to spite her face".

I am at my wits' end.  I do not know how to handle the immaturity of this woman.  This woman that is quite intelligent and insightful.  My life is miserable.  

The "Red Pill" would instruct me to not care about her emotional outbursts or her spitefulness.  It would say that a parent does not care about the outbursts of a small child, so why should a husband care about the emotional outbursts of crazed woman?  Sadly, the "Red Pill" has to have a bit of shallowness that I do not possess.  I truly care about other's well being, especially my wife's.  We are stuck.  I do not know how to proceed.  I will not divorce her (we have 4 kids and my faith).  I need to find excuses to get away from her.  I need to find ways to be around her less.  What a terrible thing to think much less write.  She's my wife!

Interestingly, I see the same pattern of immaturity in Son #1's girlfriend.  I see this pattern in my mother.  Is this the state of woman?  Or, did I pass this along to my son.  Things have been so contentious for so long that Son #2 has decided he is never getting married.

The struggle continues...

Wednesday, June 04, 2014

No Snip For You!

Sailor asked in the comments from my last post about why Sybil is against any form of permanent birth control.  I wanted to get my thoughts out there, and I felt that a comment would be too long.

First of all, Sybil eschews any time of surgery unless it is definitely required.  A few years ago she was having suspicious pap smears, so the gynecologist was pushing for a partial hysterectomy.  She spoke with her sister's husband (a health care provider in another state), worried and gnashed her teeth, and convinced her gynecologist to just do a LEEP procedure.  Ever since then, she goes every 6 months for a recheck.  This has been years ago.  In fairness to Sybil, it worked; she hasn't had a problem since.

The idea of me getting a vasectomy is not new.  I wanted one after the birth of our third child.  I DID NOT WANT ANYMORE CHILDREN, PERIOD.  Well...you see how that went.  Sybil used the same logic as now: why get something done if you don't need to.  It is unnatural.  Granted this is a want and not a need.  I think there are elements of control in the situation, but overall the problem is her belief in maintaining a whole body.

Since I believe that her body is mine and my body is hers as a married couple, I cannot go against her wishes.  Sadly, this puts us in a terrible bind.  I am just as adamant about her not taking the Pill.  I, firmly, believe the Pill did more to damage our marriage (from my point of view...like others with issues she doesn't really think she had a role to play).  If I am demanding her to not to take the Pill, how can I demand for a vasectomy?

Of course, I could "man up" and just "git 'er dun".  However, the long term ramifications to my marriage would be very, very bad.  Although I complain about my situation on this blog, I do believe in my marriage; I do believe that I should remain marriage; and I do believe that remaining married is the best for my family.  This will have to be one of those situations that I have to give in.

Or...maybe...I'm a puss.


Friday, May 30, 2014

Time for a New Post

Wow!  It has been a year since my last posting.  Things have been very busy with Sybil and me.  I am still working out my issues; I'm not sure I'll ever completely have them resolved.  I have come to some realizations though:

  1. I am an introvert.  Most people will think I am the most outgoing, witty person in the room.  However, being around people tires me out.  Since I am around people all day, I really treasure my alone time.  Unfortunately, my alone time is from 5:45 am to 6:45 am M-F.  Not much there.  In the past, Sybil and the kids would go visit her parents in another state.  I enjoyed my alone time so much that I didn't miss them that much.
  2. Sybil is an extrovert.  She gets her energy from being around people.  She cannot stand being alone.  I guess that is because she has never really been alone.  Being the youngest girl in a family with 7 kids, Sybil was always with someone.  This can create friction, because she cannot understand why I need my space.  I find myself hanging around her because it's just easier.
  3. I have deep areas of resentment towards Sybil.  Over the years, I have chronicled our marriage here in this space.  Ironically, Sybil got off of the Pill last summer.  It was the best 6 weeks of our marriage.  She wasn't a bitch and the sex was great.  It was so great that we had a baby.  Number 4.  We are in our middle age.  Since we have 4 kids and are older, I repeatedly stated my desire for a vasectomy.  However, due to some sort of personality quirk (I think her need to control), Sybil has adamantly refused.  Now what?  I refuse to have her back on the Pill.  I believe it set motion events that led to some of my resentment issues.  She refuses to let either of us be permanently fixed.  We are back to using a condom.  She hates those, too.  Cognitive dissonance is her middle name.
  4. Work is killing me.  With the baby, Sybil became less engaged at work and no longer comes to the office.  It is interesting to note that my blood pressure went way down.  It was borderline needing medication.  Now, it is normal.  I guess being around Sybil was, literally, killing.
  5. Once upon a time, I had some readers of this blog.  My intention was not to have a large audience but to put in words my issues.  Now that I am not joined at the hip with Sybil, I expect my posting to increase.
  6. Don't even get me start on finances.  Cognitive dissonance really shines with Sybil in this arena.  We will never be out of debt; she keeps wanting to spend money.  She justifies it with what she considers as a "need".  With the new kid, this has increased many times over.  Also, Sybil is at home unsupervised.  My goal is get us on a debt reduction budget.  Of all of the things we have fought over (the majority of which are trivial), this will be most major.
That is just a short list of things to grapple with.  Reflecting on things almost seems to make them worse.  Kind of like picking on a sore.  It just hurts without healing.  Depressing.  

Many times over I have come to the realization that this is my lot in life.  Nuke the marriage (permanently damaging the kids and going against my Christian beliefs) or try to polish a turd.  So far, the turd is very shiny.

Wednesday, February 06, 2013

Dearth of Posting

Not much new to report.  I thought I would check in, though.

Sybil almost nuked our marriage last month over some comments I made.  The comments were pretty bad.  I said things like...well...they were so bad that I can't remember them.  I remember thinking what is going on?  What kind of statement is so bad that one would threaten divorce?  I didn't say that I didn't love her, or I don't find her attractive, or her gaining 25 lbs. of weight is off putting.  It was pretty bad, though, because she told me it was.  It was so bad it made Sybil want to end a nearly 20 year marriage. They were that bad.  Too bad I can't remember them.

Throughout the ordeal I was not going to move out of the house.  I told her that she is welcome to move out any time.  Any divorce is strictly her decision.  I do not believe in divorce, unless adultery is involved.

We didn't get divorced.  I don't think because she started to see her lack of logic or she really loves me.  Nope.  It is purely mercenary: she would be broke and lost without me.  All of her income comes from me and, more importantly, her vocation.  Although she has a college degree, she has never had a real job outside of a family business.  Looking for a job in this economy for a 40 year old woman with no past experience would be daunting to say the least.  It would entail asking customers, if they want fries with that.  That killed whatever bug caused her to vehemently state that she wanted a divorce for my horrible comments, that I can't remember.

Thursday, December 13, 2012

I Like to Abuse Myself

Apparently, verbal abuse I receive from Sybil is all my fault.  If only I had (fill in the blank), I would not have forced Sybil to say mean and awful things to me.

On December 10, 2012, Sybil said, "I have to work with stupid."  She was referring to me.  When she said this statement, I had nearly completed closing of the day at our office...as she requested I do.  Apparently, she did not mean for me to actually complete the closing...just get it ready to be complete.  Since she wasn't ready, she totally freaked out, yelled at me, and then told the kids that reason we have to work late is because, "I have to work with stupid."

Today, things are at a standstill.  I have told Sybil that her behavior was unacceptable, that she was abusive to me in front our children, and that she went beyond the boundary.  Throughout all of this she maintains that her comment was made because of what I did.  If I had understood that she didn't mean for me to totally close out the day...only get it ready to be closed out, then she would never have said that.  Basically, it is all of my fault.

Do I think verbal abuse is on the same plane as physical?  No.  Physical abuse can lead to permanent injuries and even death, so there is no way they are on the same plane.  However, years of verbal abuse lead to other problems.

It doesn't matter, really.  What matters is that Sybil feels that she can talk to me in any way she wants at any time she wants.  While I understand people lose their cool which causes them to say and do things they would not normally do, people must at least be apologetic.  No apology is forthcoming because it is all of my fault.

I think that when the youngest son leaves home that will be that.  That will be in less that 5 years.