Wednesday, January 04, 2017

Did It Again

Careful, young Jedi.
"What are my goals for the new year?" asks Sybil.  Caught unawares, I state improve office efficiency, work on work/life balance, develop a hobby.

Boy, was I wrong.

I was supposed to say, "I am reflecting on myself as a person and will strive to improve upon myself, especially in the area of how selfish and uncaring I am."

I walked right into the trap.  I had no idea that Sybil was testing me to see what I was thinking and whether I cared enough about her feelings to make the necessary changes in myself to satisfy her.  She was disappointed that I never stated that was my intention.  I did not indicated that my goal this year was to strive towards self-improvement.

Naturally, an argument ensued.  Again, I was left trying to appeal to Sybil's feelings using reason.  A losing course of action.  One cannot oppose rhetoric with dialectic.  I am ill-equipped in the rhetoric department.  Losing proposition.

Of course, Sybil cannot see the hubris she has in demanding that I change.  Firstly, the change she wants is for me to focus on the little things.  We're not talking about me coming home drunk at 3 am, spending all of our money, nor having some sort of a problem chasing women.  Nope.  We're talking about turning the seat warmer on in the truck, making sure I pack her the right lunch, etc.  The things that really matter, right?

It almost feels like she is tying to push me into divorcing her.  Since I have taken divorce off of the table (religious reasons and 'for the children'), it will have to be Sybil that pulls the trigger.  Of course, my not willing to divorce her diminishes my leverage over her.

At this rate, the New Year will definitely be exciting.

Thursday, December 29, 2016

Quick Update


I don't have much to update.  Still simmering resentment from Sybil to me.  Sadly, this creates simmering resentment from me to Sybil.  Sybil feels strongly the incident with the truck shows a pattern of loving her enough.  No matter that it may have caused me to go from a chest cold to bronchitis with the me having to take the meds to treat it.  No resolution.  Just a long running argument.  We are terrible in conflict resolution.

When do the "shit tests" end?  Never.  A good running example is Sybil saying I need to "woo" her.  Ok...never mind that we've been married 23 years, so why do I have to treat her like we are still dating.  People get married so they don't have to date.  Anyway, the shit test goes like this:

Step 1 - Sybil says I don't ask her out and plan an outing.  I don't make a fun date.
Step 2 - Ask Sybil out.  Sybil complains about the why I am asking her for a Friday night date, instead of a night that is closer (it's Tuesday).
Step 3 - Change it from Friday to Thursday after we do a few things at the business for the end of the year.  Sybil complains that I ask her to go out after I made her work (we came to an agreement about the day).
Step 4 - Complain about the way I ask her out.
Step 5 - I am angry and don't really want to take her out.
Step 6 - Repeat until one of us dies.

It never ends.  Ask me to do something nice and then complain.  Did that with Valentine's (I bought her a small box of candy; she did not like how it tasted; and she bought me nothing...not even physical affection).  I don't expect her to do anything nice for me.  On the rare occasions she does something for me, I appreciate it.  Sybil expects me to show her love by perfectly "wooing" her and holds it against me when her expectations are not met.  Since Sybil has such high expectations, she is always disappointed.  Never satisfied.  That's the fundamental difference: I do not expect anything from anyone; Sybil expects perfection from everyone.  She is disappointed which adds to her negativity.

Not too hopeful about the New Year.

Tuesday, December 20, 2016

No Good Deed Ever Goes Unpunished

So it's winter time, almost.  The temperatures are pretty chilly even for our area.

This morning Sybil and I are trying to leave to go to the office.  Son #3 wakes up right before we need to leave.  Since he's two, that is a problem.  Daughter is there to help, but the boy loves his mother.  I tell Sybil that'll go start my vehicle to get it warm for her and she can sneak out when able.

I go to the vehicle and get it started.  The temp is 33 degrees.  I cannot go back inside because we are trying to sneak away from Son #3.  I decide to sit in the vehicle while it warms up.  I figure the odds that Sybil can get away are about 65 to 35 against.  After waiting about 10 minutes, Sybil manages to come out the front door.  I move the vehicle closer so she can get in without having to manage with the edge of drive way.  Her first comment is my not have the seat warmer on for her. The second time she made that comment, I told her I made the whole vehicle warm.

Apparently, Sybil had time to think on the way to the office. As soon as we were in the warmth of the building, she let me know how I failed. I didn't have the vehicle positioned correctly (so Son #3 could not hear), I did not have seat warmer on, and I did not get her bag. I explained that those issues seem to totally negate the fact that I sat in a cold vehicle for 15 minutes. 1 told her that there is no point in trying to do something nice for her because she will find a way to turn it into a negative.

Wednesday, December 14, 2016

Hateful

Hateful \ˈhāt-fəl\: 1. Full of hate. 2. of or deserving hate

Which definition is apropos?  Is Sybil "full of hate", or am I "of or deserving hate"?

The simplest conversation seems to take the turn for the surreal as Sybil expresses her "disappointment" by projecting herself to be hateful.  Today's episode is my trying to engage her in a conversation about what to do for the office Christmas.  Do we need to go to a certain store after work today and purchase items?  The conversation went sideways as I did not readily remember the other parts of what her plan was: gift cards in addition to purchased items.  Sybil could barely keep her contempt in.  The way she expressed herself to me made her feelings very palpable.  Since I only got half of the plan correct by not remembering the gift cards, is Sybil "full of hate" or am I "of or deserving hate"?  That is the question: where is someone no longer allowed to be patient and understanding?  I'd like a ruling.

By the way, we did not decide on going to the store today.  At the end, Sybil acted hateful; and I disengaged.  Like so many of our conversations, nothing got accomplished.  Well...that's not true.  We're pissed at each other.

The drama continues...

Tuesday, December 06, 2016

Powerless

Many times those that have been in a car wreck know that everything seems to slow down and no matter what the wreck still happened.  It's like the event was pre-ordained and no matter what there was going to be a wreck.  That's how it's going with us.  Here is a nice pic of what Sybil presented to me last night:        

Sybil in her altruistic way spent valuable time Googling, downloading, printing, and completing a divorce petition for me, or that was the reason she gave me.  I just do not know how to respond.  If I REALLY wanted a divorce, I would taken care of this myself.  I'm not the one that during every spat that isn't going my way starting saying I want a divorce. We seem to have one about every Sunday.  Makes for an interesting Monday.

Quick details for documentation's sake: Saturday morning I did not pickup the rent check because Son#2 had a parade (we didn't know).  I had something to do at the office and did not feel that I would have time to pick up the rent check and be back in time for the us to go to the parade.  I thought I communicated with Sybil, but I guess I did not.  Anyway, major blow up.  When I get home from office to go to the parade, she calls me and starts yelling.  It's stereo due to yelling from upstairs and into my phone.  Calls me a liar because I thought I had talked with her.  We got off of the phone.  I took Son#3 outside to play.  Thought about it.  Came back in, apologized, gave her affection, asked forgiveness, did not receive.  After the parade, we eventually get the rent check.  On the way, we go through the conversation again.  Sybil lets me know how hurtful it was that I did not follow through with the plan and communicate with her.  I was contrite and accepted responsibility.  Later that night, she got a text from Son#2 that Son #3 like Reese's candy.  I try to let her know that I have a weakness for these kinds of foods (she had just bought 2 packages of Chocolate Chunk cookies) and to not buy them.  I let her know that I struggle with sugar and may be a sugar addict.  Instead of trying show empathy or concern, she spends most of the conversation poking holes in my theory.  I get angry because, again, she does not seem to take my concerns seriously.  Sybil knew I was angry, and I know this because she told Son#2 that I was angry.  If the roles were reversed, she would expect me to confront and comfort her to assuage her angry towards me.  She did not do this with me.  I do not expect her to, because I will confront you if I have a problem with you.  Anyway, the next day during conversation I said made comments in a way she disapproved.  I don't think I was angry still (I never expected her to talk with me, and I knew that talking with her would go nowhere).  Later she asked, if she had done anything wrong and I told her no.  I told her I had apologized for the way my words came out.  Since she started the conversation, I took the opportunity to express my irritation (by now) with how she talked to me last evening.  Eventually, she gave a verbal apology.  Normally, I would accept it, but Sunday I could not.  Too many times I've apologized for the slightest infraction, and my apology not being good enough.  The reason Sybil would not accept my apology was the way it was delivered: no showing of true remorse and emotion in my delivery.  I did not hug and comfort her.  On Sunday I pointed out that Sybil did the same thing that I do to her.  I pointed out that her apology was no different than the way I deliver one and she was not following her dictum.  Her reply?  Full on snark.  She replied, "Since when did you become an expert on apologies?"  I gave her a chance to walk it back; she doubled down.  Things went downhill from there.  So she performed a web search, downloaded, printed, and completed a Petition for Divorce.  Her rationale is that she did it because that is what I wanted.

At this point, I do not know who is the crazy one.  I'm sure her point of view is different.  I'm sure she feels justified in doing and saying everything she did.  However, at no point during the 23 years of marriage did I present her with said Petition.  On about 3 occasions I have used the "Divorce" word in a heated moment.  Sybil has come to use during nearly every spat.  One thing I have come to realize is that we do not have the ability to resolve conflict.  I have to realize (because she has told me so) that I will never receive forgiveness for past transgressions.  I have come to realize that I must take steps for my protection.

Today I opened an account with an online bank.  I am resolving to set up some savings.  If she nukes our marriage, I have to be prepared.  My goal is to put enough money in the account to pay a lawyer to be on retainer and get a place to live.  I have to expect to be ejected from our house.  The Sword of Damocles hangs over me.  I hope to have several thousand dollars set aside within a year.  That may not be realistic, but that is my goal.  Sybil just does not understand the toll a divorce will take on her, the kids, and me.  It would devastate the kids; she would actually have to get a real job (she worked in her family's restaurant and has been working in my business after that); and we would be thrust into poverty.  Sybil has no concept of setting up and sticking to a budget.  In fairness, I struggle in that regard, too.

Developing...

Tuesday, January 19, 2016

The Saga Continues

Well, Sybil and I are stuck.  She is stuck in a world of hurt and resentment.  She feels that I "destroyed" her by ignoring her ask for help with the Christmas cards, and I ignored her by promising to confront my mother about my mother ignoring her (kind of a trend).  I have apologized, I have tried to make amends, but to no avail.  Apparently, my actions (or inaction) "destroyed" her.

During this period, Son #1 and Daughter where home from college until just a few days ago.  There were many times that I would sit up with them, watch TV, and hang out.  Sybil did not like that.  She felt that I was ignoring her.  Now, at no time was she not allowed to hang out with us.  She wanted me to come upstairs and talk with her.  In subsequent conversations, this did not mean a negative conversation, but I'm a little gun shy.  Most of our conversations are negative because they revolve around my failings as a person and how it makes her feel.

This is where Sybil is: stuck.  I am stuck because, while I understand Sybil's hurt feelings, my inactions do not raise to the level of "destroying" her.  I did not beat her; I am not having an affair; I am not struggling with addiction; I did not go out and blow a bunch of money.  Nope.  All I did was get sucked into a TV show when she asked for help, and forget to confront my mother about Sybil being ignored.  To still be having this cloud over us because of her feelings is not logical.  I don't know how to break through and resolve things.  I'm not sure it's possible.  Sybil feels so badly that she is openly talking about divorce.  Despite my pointing out that I didn't do anything that bad, and the devastation a divorce creates in a family.  She is stuck.  I have started a list of things to grab, if she kicks me out.  I want to be able to get out within an hour or less.  Since I am a minimalist at heart, I think this is achievable.  I hope it does not come to that.

What are the reasons for divorce?  Well, the Bible and my Christian faith say that only infidelity.  Period.  At no time is divorce allowed because one's spouse ignored them.  In this blog I have documented a litany of things that could be construed as emotional abuse.  If I were not a Christian and as sociopathic as Sybil thinks, I would have left at any time.  However, I am neither.  No where in the Bible does it say for one's spouse to make him/her happy.  I am not bound to make her happy.  I am commanded to love her as Jesus loves the church.  That is it.  While Sybil understands the basic tenets of Christianity and professes to be a Christian, I do not believe she truly understands the concept.  I pray she will.

Tuesday, December 22, 2015

Wow! A New Post

I haven't died, kidnapped by space aliens, or fallen off the face of the planet.  Truth-be-told, I lost interest in blogging.  I think this happens to a lot of bloggers.  For most of us, it is a hobby...maybe even an obsession.  Eventually, that hobby kinds of fades away.  Having said (written?) that, I do feel moved to write an update about my situation.

There is no update.  My situation is, basically, the same.  Sybil is the same.  Our stress level is the same (high).  I wish I could say we have made some strides into improving things.  We have not.  I think it boils down to a "Frog and Scorpion" kind of thing.  I feel that I will be posting more here because I have a feeling that things are disintegrating.  I feel that, if it were not for the kids, she would have left by now.  She has made threats about divorcing me.  I don't deal well with threats or ultimatums.  Each time she makes that threat, I call her bluff.  Most of it emotional bluster, but who knows?

It would seem that I will be reviving the blog, if for no other purpose, but to document things.  In my profession, we have to extensively document to protect ourselves.  This situation is no different.

Therefore, let us examine the latest event.

Let me preface by saying we had planned on seeing a movie for quite some time.  A new movie theater had been built that was supposed to be awesome.  We explained to the kids that they could not go to the movies until we had gone.  This was explained over and over again.  Now, on the night before we were supposed to go (I bought tickets several days prior), we had a big argument.  To be honest Sybil became enraged with me.  Sybil, Daughter, and I were in the bedroom at night; working.  The television was on and I had headphones on.  Sybil asked for my help with something on her computer.  Since I was in the middle of something, I told her I would help her in a minute.  Unbeknownst to me, I started watching TV.  It was an unconscious act.  Sybil saw this; slammed her laptop shut; and said she was done (she was working on Christmas cards).  I could tell that she was upset.  I apologized and immediately stopped what I was doing and started to help.  Daughter and I started working on the Christmas cards.  Sybil stopped and started another task.  She would not longer participate in helping.  Eventually, it got late Daughter went to bed.  Then it began.  Sybil was very angry.  It stems from the fact that I stopped working and was watching TV, instead of helping her.  I apologized.  She was not mollified.  Sybil went on and on.  We were up to 2 AM arguing.  Finally, I told her that no one TOLD her to do the Christmas cards.  She took that upon herself.  Her vitriol does not fit the infraction.  I apologized many times for being distracted.  To no affect.  Finally, I told her that the conversation was over and I went to sleep.

The new day arrived (the day of the movie).  Sybil is still upset, barely talking to me.  We rehashed the previous night's conversation.  Again, I apologized (she did not feel I was apologizing sincerely nor correctly).  I explained that she needs to get ready to go to the movie.  She says she's not going.  Despite my protestations, she was unmoved.  I took Son #2, instead.  Son #2 and I watched the movie, but the whole time I was stewing in anger and frustration.  I did not enjoy myself.  She won.  The next day she admitted to "cutting off her nose to spite her face".

I am at my wits' end.  I do not know how to handle the immaturity of this woman.  This woman that is quite intelligent and insightful.  My life is miserable.  

The "Red Pill" would instruct me to not care about her emotional outbursts or her spitefulness.  It would say that a parent does not care about the outbursts of a small child, so why should a husband care about the emotional outbursts of crazed woman?  Sadly, the "Red Pill" has to have a bit of shallowness that I do not possess.  I truly care about other's well being, especially my wife's.  We are stuck.  I do not know how to proceed.  I will not divorce her (we have 4 kids and my faith).  I need to find excuses to get away from her.  I need to find ways to be around her less.  What a terrible thing to think much less write.  She's my wife!

Interestingly, I see the same pattern of immaturity in Son #1's girlfriend.  I see this pattern in my mother.  Is this the state of woman?  Or, did I pass this along to my son.  Things have been so contentious for so long that Son #2 has decided he is never getting married.

The struggle continues...