Happy 100th Post!

100 posts! Ya'll like the look? It seems a little happier, brighter. Definitely easier to read. Wow, 100 posts about the ups and downs of my marriage. I even have people that read about it. That is truly amazing.

Now back to our regularly scheduled programming.

Survived the weekend with Sybil. We went camping in Big South Fork. I love going there. Even during a busy Memorial day weekend.

First the good stuff. I bought a cast iron skillet and a cast iron dutch oven just for this trip. Cooking bacon, sausage and eggs on the skillet was easy. I didn't have to worry about tearing up the surface. For the first time I was able to make biscuits for breakfast thanks to the dutch oven. Had a lot of fun trail bike riding to some gorgeous overlooks. Made peach cobbler for desert Sunday night (in the dutch oven, of course) and the kids made S'mores. Although it was hot, we had a great time.

Now the bad stuff (some of which is embarrassing). Friday I took the afternoon off, since the kids were out that afternoon from school. I came home, and Sybil was all over me, physically. She was "ready to go." I'm thinking, "All right!" We move to the bedroom and do our thing. It involved oral (giving and receiving, which I love to give and receive) and was truly mind blowing. Later that day I let slip that I had gone to the bathroom several hours before our activities. Number 2. Now, I try to be as hygienic as anyone else. In the heat of the moment, I forgot to tell Sybil. Anyway, she is pissed that I let her do that knowing what I had done earlier. I apologized profusely and explained that I was too consumed to remember. Not good enough. Apparently I'm not only selfish but my parents weren't married. Fast forward to yesterday. This cast a pall over the whole weekend. Everything that happened was colored by it. We had a blow-up while trying to pack up and motivate our kids to help. Everything goes back to Friday afternoon. So I'm now back in the wilderness.

Sybil uses all of this bring up an interesting point that I try to push her away. Maybe. More on that as I grapple with that. She may have a point there. I do tend to be guarded. I am not one to let anyone come too close.

Anyway, that's it. I hope ya'll had a great weekend.

Don't Try to Adjust Your Set. We Control the Horizontal and the Vertial.

Ahhh, Saturday morning. At work. Missing Son#2's baseball game. This sucks. At least the sun is out and drying off the world from the interesting thunderstorms we had.

Things are looking up for Sybil and me. This whole month we haven't had any major arguements. Her period started yesterday, yet she has not lived up to her name. Oh sure, we had some minor things, but none like we've had in the past. Overall, this has been a decent month.

So now I'm living in fear. When is that shoe gonna drop? When will Sybil's face peal back and reveal the monster lurking under the surface? Is this what happens to people in abusive relationships? I would not have thought of myself to be in that class, but these thoughts have been in the back of my mind. I find myself sitting here wondering WTF?

What is going on? She hasn't changed her BCPs. I think it might have to do with the fact that we haven't seen much of each other this month. Too busy. My little, cute (to me) mannerisms that irritate the crap out of her...aren't. What's the deal? We've even been having fairly regular, decent sex. Is this the invasion of the pod people? Who took my wife? What's that up ahead? A sign post.

I should just enjoy the ride. Like everything else in life, it won't last.

Nothing much to say

I actually have time to blog but have little to say.

I haven't seen much of Sybil today. She made this Thursday her spa day, since I now work every 2nd and fourth Thursday. She doesn't want me to ruin it because of what happened last time. That was six weeks ago. That's Sybil: memory like an elephant.

It's just as well. She would probably figure out a way to keep me from going home. Since Sunday, I've been home before 9:00pm once. Sybil has managed to schedule enough stuff to keep us on the go. This way she has an excuse to have no food, the house to be trashed, and not have to cook. What were we doing? Mainly she (that means we) was preparing for a church program. Now, I try to lead a Christian life. I do come up short in many aspects (usually temptations of the flesh but that's a post of a different day). Being at work all day and then helping setup for a program until late is tiring. Yeah, I'm a little snarky. It's like "let's see how much stuff we can cram into a day." Even the kids are worn out. Sybil must understand that it will get done.

That's life with a perfectionist. Sybil believes that whoever does it will not do a good enough job. A perfectionist is an unhappy person becuase they aren't good enough. They will put a tremendous amount of pressure on themselves. In doing so, they will put a tremendous amount of pressure upon those closest to them. A perfectionist never realizes in the end, that we are all "shadows and dust." Now, that doesn't mean we shouldn't try, but what is more important? How well a crab costume looks or spending quiet, quality time with the family?

Anyway, that's all I had to say. More than I expected.

Tagged

Daddy's Lil Girl tagged me to list some weird/noteworthy things about myself. This is hard because I'm pretty boring. I know, I know with all of the drama in my life, one might think I'm more exciting. Truth be told I'm not. Anyway, without further ado here it goes:

Let's do noteworthy first.

1. I have a doctorate.
2. I own my own business.
3. Some might call me financially successful.
4. I'm blessed with the ability to talk to anyone about anything.
   
5. Everybody likes me, especially upon first impression.

Now for the weird.

1. I have a hard time making and keeping friends.
2. The one area I am anal is my clothes. I refuse to wear even slightly wrinkled or clothes with a small spot to my office.
3. I have lived my whole life in the South (rural at that), yet somehow I have lost my accent.
4. I'm never, ever cold.
   
5. I have a hard time maintaining mental focus during conversations.

There you go. Not much of a list. Now, I must tag some people. So Shining Star, Whoami929, and Anteros tag you're it!

Counting the Cost

Well friends and neighbors, Sybil and I seem to be going downhill fast. Thursday saw another fight. It seemed to be building from the previous ones this week. The same stuff rehashed. A new twist was introduced: I am not engaged in our conversations. Funny thing though, I was able to recount three times as many conversation subjects that took place the night before than Sybil. Who's engaged? I believe it has come down to her finding things to fight about. Minor irritations that occur when two people live together take on a larger than life roll.

These mole-hill sized mountains are nothing new. We have been dealing with this throughout our marriage. However, I am so tired of fending off this person, who is my wife. Broaching the subject with Sybil does little good. Being the Type A person she is, Sybil feels that confronting all of the little things that happen will mean the big things are taken care of. Being the Type B person that I am, I say that leaves everyone raw and too emotionally spent to care about them.

This Thursday may have been a turning point for me. I quite nearly walked. After spending all morning trying to show love and appreciation to her, Sybil decides to criticize everything from my driving to how I carry on my conversations. If I have less to say than she expects, I don't care about her. I am so tired of being the villain. My self-esteem has started to be affected.

In an earlier post I mentioned that Sybil has a "slash and burn style" of arguing. I do not. I want to come to a consensus. She wants only to pummel me into the ground and win at any cost. If things progress, Sybil may win the battles but lose the war, ultimately.

Why didn't I leave? The cost, right now, is too great. The potential damage done to my kids, financial ruin, etc. is too much to bear. For now. As things continue, that might change. I want to love Sybil. How can I? How can I love someone who is critical of everything I say and do?

We're on the Road to Nowhere

Another "discussion" lasting into the wee hours of the morning. What the hell? Sybil doesn't have to get up and do anything before noon. Basically, the same argument warmed up and served on a platter of resentment.

I won't go the gory details. Except to say that Sybil and I didn't start our "conversation" until about 11:30pm. She had just gotten home from bonko. We were talking about Son#1's baseball game (which she missed). During the course of my conversation, I was realizing the need to teach Son#1 some things about baseball, since his coaches, apparently, weren't. Sybil start with statements like "you should have been doing that all along," and "you should have not relied on the coaches to teach him," and my favorite: "you know that just because he goes to school doesn't mean that you don't need to teach him anything." Sensing another lecture coming on and knowing the time of the night and the fact I have to get up early, I said "yeah, yeah, yeah." Sybil becomes pissed. My rudeness in cutting her off in mid-point sends her over the edge. My rudeness in assuming that she is lecturing me, when she is really just enforcing my points. My rudeness in not listening to her.

I admit it. I was rude. I was tired, and I didn't want to hear it. I cut her off. I apologized for cutting her off. I explained that I was sensing another lecture on my failings. I told her that I was tired and under normal circumstances I would not have made that comment and would have been more patient. Excuses, excuses. Sybil believes my fatigue is just another excuse to absolve me of any responsibility. No. Not true. Like anyone averaging less than six hours of sleep a night, I am a little less patient. Excuses, excuses.

Naturally, the "whatever" (see last post) comment from two nights prior was thrown into the mix and given a good stir. This proves a pattern of my rudeness.

Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result.

My Journey of Self-Improvement

Well, I barely survived this weekend. Naturally, Sybil and I had two big arguments. As she sees it, they were all my fault. I see her points on both, but I'm having a hard time coping with the idea that they are this big of a deal.

Argument #1 was on Saturday afternoon. For reasons I won't go into, I had very little sleep the night before. Naturally, we had the whole day planned down to the microsecond. Long story short, Sybil suggested we start cleaning the house for the cleaning lady (don't get me started) instead of waiting for the last minute. I agreed that I didn't want to wait until the last minute but suggested to wait until Sunday (she comes on Tuesday), because we usually have less things going on. She became angry saying that I took what she said and "flushed it down the toilet." I countered by saying I merely contradicted what she said. I agreed about the last minute thing but not about the need to do it in the hour and a half "down time" we had before the next event. Naturally, she countered with the need to work on things with the time we have rather than procrastinate. Sunday rolls around, and we don't have time to work on the house because of church activities that had to be done right then (according to Sybil). The house cleaning was started by me in the hour I had between activities on Sunday. We still have a long way to go. On an aside, a cleaning person sounds great in theory but in practice seems to be creating more marital strife.

Argument #2 started last night. We finally get home around 8:30pm. Sybil and I had nothing to eat for dinner. Since she is taking some high dose antibiotics for a skin infection from a bug bite, she must eat every time she takes the medicine. There was some left over fried rice that I was hoping we could share. After getting all my stuff done and coming into the house, I notice that she had eaten all but 2 spoonfuls. I comment that she ate nearly all of it. She states that Son #2 helped. I say "whatever" and proceed to try to find something to eat. Which, by the way, was fruitless because Sybil doesn't grocery shop. My one word seemed to speak volumes to her. She decided I was being uncaring about her condition, I was being rude to her, and basically being a jerk. I explained my irritation of not having anything to eat. I did not mean it as a rude comment. I apologized more than twice. She did not accept it. Sybil felt I was not caring about her situation. I countered that I was the one who talked her into going to the doctor.

Apparently, my journey of self-improvement is going slowly. As I try to improve myself to make Sybil happy, I seem to take one step forward and at least two steps back. Not the way I had envisioned it.