Monday, September 18, 2006

Not Back in the Saddle Again

Thank you for being patient. I didn't mean to have a hiatus. It just happened. Honest. I've had some things come up, so my time available for blogging has diminished. Also, I felt like I was beginning to sound like a broken record. Although I started this blog to vent my frustrations with Sybil, my posts were starting to take on a "whiny" quality, to me anyway. The crossroads was what I could post about, besides the intermittent conflict with Sybil and me. I'm sorry to say that something else has come up: my libido has disappeared.

I'm not sure where it went. It didn't leave a forwarding address. I don't know, if this is a temporary holiday or if it left town for good. It boils down to being a little scary. Until this point, I felt that I was pretty average about my needs. I tend to be average in every way, and my libido was no exception. I was happy with my ~3 episodes a week. Unfortunately, these last few weeks I would rather sleep than get it on.

What are causes of a low libido in a man? This is uncharted territory for me. Is it stress at work? Work has been stressful, but I'm not sure it is any more stressful than usual. Is it stress at home? Well, reading my blog gives one the sense of how stressful home can be. After 13 years of marriage, I'm not sure it is any more stressful. Am I ill? I feel physically fine. In fact, I'm in better shape at 37 than at 27. Has Sybil let herself go? No, she looks great. Am I bored? Possibly. I can't imagine that causing such a lowering of the libido. As a test, I looked at pornography sites, and there was no reaction. Unusual for me. Am I numb to it? Maybe. I stopped looking at those sites for a long time, because I was afraid of what they might do. I was afraid of producing unrealistic needs.

At first glance, it would be easy to blame Sybil for my decline. Her boundaries are pretty tight. However, that seems like an easy way out. A cop out. I'm still trying to figure out how much of this problem I own and how much is hers. Maybe I'm being neurotic. If so, that's a new thing for me, too. I do think that living the stress at the office and then reliving it with Sybil doesn't help. By the time I have retold my day's exploits, I'm exhausted.

I sat down with Sybil last night to voice my concerns. She had noticed a decline, but she attributes that to us being tired. I have my days of being totally wiped out, and she definitely has to have about ten hours of sleep to function. The other thing she attributes it to are the arguments about her boundaries. We all have boundaries. I will, under no circumstances, engage in sexual activities with midgets. Sybil feels that I am uncertain as to what I can and cannot do. That's part of it too. When the clothes come off, isn't that when the fun begins? Do I have to worry about pushing her too far? I'm not talking about anything wild, either.

My heart goes out to the women with low libido men. I think their men are doing them a disservice. I feel that I am letting Sybil down in that regard. It isn't fair to not have one's needs met. I'm supposed to meet her needs as best as I can.

Maybe I'm thinking too much.


Anonymous said...

You can give her a lot without having an erection. Snuggle up to her and gently suck her nipple. Lick her pussy and tell her how much you love looking at her vagina. You can meet her need.

As for your low libido; its OK not having a need for sex. Just let it be. Chances are, in time, it will come back. You might think about exercise, healthy food, a vacation in nature ...

Anonymous said...

It's going around. I have been libido-less for about a month now. It's coming back, a little at a time, but it's been a slow, tedious, somewhat anguish-inducing process. Speaking as a woman, I'm not sure this holds much weight, but just that you aren't the only one. In my case, it is a bilateral guilt of putting sex at the bottom of the priority list, and as it is with many women, once you stop trying, you stop wanting.

Hope it comes back for you soon.

Anonymous said...

Sorry man, I'm where you're at and I don't know what to tell you. Lost (most of) mine 3-4 years ago and haven't yet found my way back. Oh I still masturbate now and then, but now the wife doesn't get anything she doesn't ask for and she's a once every month or two kinda gal.

I think the boundaries may be part of the problem. After our 15th anniversary I started jotting down the 'rules of engagement' and I think that excercise (knowing the rules and knowing they were not subject to change) cooled what was left.

Thinking too much? Definitely. That and boundaries and rules and regulations just take the gas out of any fun one might desire to have. Maybe it was better not knowing what too far was???

FTN said...

You say you feel as though you are letting Sybil down, but earlier you wrote that she attributes that to "us being tired." Does she feel the same way, or is she asking for sex more often than what you want?

Is the decline just you, or both of you?

Emily said...

I am just wondering if you think you may be a bit depressed? Not just from the libido issue, but from the whole staying in bed and sleeping a lot thing.

Ta for the heart :-)

aphron said...

Awww a vacation. What would that be? As far as the other things...well...they don't fit into Sybils' boundaries.

Hopefully, it's just a simple too overworked, overscheduled, too tired kind of thing. Hopefully.

The boundaries things is one of the things that worries me the most. I'm wondering if it isn't shear boredom.

I don't think Sybil is asking for more, but she has noticed a decline. I went from chasing her around the bedroom (kind of), to not really that interested. I can't speak for Sybil. I feel the decline in myself. It's very weird.

I've wondered about the depression thing. I do tend to get into "funks." I don't think of myself as moody, per se. I just feel overwhelmed with life. As for the sleeping thing, I don't sleep that much. I average about 6 hours a night.

Thanks for commenting. We'll see what happens in the future. Sybil kind of did it again last night. She was very loving to me in the early part of the evening, and then it ended with a long, drawn-out discussion on the stress of work. BAM! Dead libido.

JessiferSeabs said...

I was going to echo emily's question about depression. Lack of libido is a huge symptom (and side-effect of!) depression.

Contrary to what the media tells us, it's quite normal to go through periodic phases of depression -- it doesn't mean that you need meds, but I'd highly recommend talking to a therapist.

I mean, I think i'm pretty freaking normal and I see a therapist. It just... feels good to talk to somebody.