I'm not rewriting a long, Russian novel.
Background: I finally came home Monday night at 9 pm. Left home at 7:20 am. That's over twelve hours (for the mathematically challenged). Not only did I have to get up and do my usual routine (get myself and three kids ready and out the door before 7:30 am) and work, but also I had an hour long meeting at church. Anyway, got home and helped with the domestic stuff a bit. After a long day I thought I would watch a little football and have a beer. Now, unlike many men, I do not do this on a regular occasion. Although I enjoy watching sports, I rarely do. Also, I hadn't seen Sybil all day, so I hugged her a bit and gave her a kiss prior to sitting down. She joined me in watching the game. I taught her what a fullback middle screen is (I love TiVo), played with her hair (something she really enjoys), and talked about the day's events. Half time comes, so I decide to get that beer and her a glass of water. Sybil asks if I'm ready to go to upstairs (to bed). Since I had just opened my beer and sat back down, I said if you're tired go on ahead, don't wait for me, and I'll be there in a bit.
The crime:
Thinking only of myself and wanting to isolate myself from her. The evidence is I missed the point of question "are you ready to go upstairs." Although we had been affectionate towards each other that night, I was unaware that it was a form of foreplay. Until she became pissed off, I had no idea. Sybil hadn't said anything verbally. The affection was there, but it is there many times (unless she's pissed off).
The Punishment:
A long argument ensued. We were at it until after midnight. Sybil had left the bed to sleep on the couch. Two days later, she is barely speaking to me. As of last night, she has said she regrets lowering her guard and would not do it again. I have apologized many times, and I do feel bad about disappointing her. I explained that didn't know that I should expect sex every time she shows any affection. My defense was to no avail.
Although Sybil has a right to be disappointed and hurt, she has decided that I should be punished. I'm beginning to feel that she is acting like a spoiled child. I feel that she is throwing a fit, when she doesn't get what she wants. Am I wrong? I always thought people in a marriage should try to reach an understanding and help the other person. I didn't know we could punish each other like children.
When's my parole?
The demand of the loveless and the self-imprisoned that they should be allowed to blackmail the universe: that till they consent to be happy (on their own terms) no one else shall taste joy: that theirs should be the final power; that Hell should be able to veto Heaven. The Great Divorce. C.S. Lewis
11 comments:
mr. husbland-
Sybil feels I've become "too comfortable". She fears me sliding into complacency.
Hey this is So Gone, since apparently changing my blog over to Beta was a huge mistake, since I can't post a comment on a non-Beta blog.
Anyways... I feel like you can't ever do right by Sybil. No matter what. It frustrates me and I'm just a reader.
Hmm. . . too often I see little glimpses into myself when you talk about Sybil. Yes, it is spoiled brat behavior. No, you shouldn't take it. I would firmly explain that as an adult she needs to act like an adult. If she, like me, has a conscience she'll rethink her position though it might take a few hours/days. Then again, she may not be as much like me as I think in which case my advice may be worthless or even harmful. How's that for a disclaimer? LOL
anon (so gone, heh)-
I've mentioned my lack of ever doing anything right to Sybil. Naturally, she thinks that is me shifting blame.
Oh, thanks for the tip about switching.
trueself-
Why do you do it? If understood the "why," I might be able to cope better. Do you and Sybil enjoy drama and conflict?
Her reaction is very much out of proportion. In my opinion, a better one would have been to give you a little eyebrow wiggle and say it again more meaningfully. After all, Tivo does rock and the game would still be there 30 minutes later.
satan-
If I tell her that her reaction is out of proportion to the situation, she'll say that I don't care, or I'm unemotional. In fairness, there are times that...gasp...I don't care. The situation is such a minor deal. Also, just becuase I choose not let my emotions get the better of me, doesn't mean I don't have them.
Aphron,
I'll answer your question the best I can, but please understand that I can't guarantee my reasons match hers.
Why do I do it? Do I enjoy drama and conflict?
Hmm, well, I probably do enjoy a bit of drama here and there, but I'm not sure that's the reason that I indulge in this particular behavior. I think I tend to get frustrated when I feel that I'm not getting the attention I want. Then I lash out, and it's hard to back down unless I feel like I've really gotten my point across. I guess I always hope that he'll come back with some "big gesture" to show me how sorry he is. And by "big gesture" I'm not talking about buying me something expensive or anything like that, but just something thoughtful and touching like making dinner for us without me asking him to or having to tell him what to make and how to make it.
Don't know if this helps you understand or will make you feel better, but it's the best explanation I've got.
trueself-
That sounds exactly like Sybil. Once she stakes out a position, she WILL NOT back down. Period. She will go full bore until her opponent is totally beaten. Sybil also expects the big gesture. It' hard to provide that Big Gesture, when one is reeling from an emotiona outburst disproportionate to the event.
Bullshit...she has no right to be disappointed or hurt. She's supposed to be a freakin adult. What you described is the behavior of a child.
Good thing you're willing to put up with anything. I never would have apologized because there was nothing to apologize for.
Dump her. Having to make her own living for a year might get her to pull her head out of her ass and be grateful. Or at least get her to act more mature than a 5-year-old.
Actually, my 5-year-old acts more mature than she just did.
I have at times acted like a child too. What the best reaction is to me when I am acting spoiled is to call me on it. I don't like being unreasonable. I don't like it when I get away with being a child. And I appreciate a firm hand :) Actually, I have a hard time respecting a man who knows I'm being spoiled but acts repentant when we both know I am the wrong one.
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