Merry Christmas

A quick post to let everyone know that Sybil and I are ok for now. Thank you to those that bothered to comment on my last post. I plan to try making some changes in how I react, and hopefully, help Sybil with her reactions, too.

I wanted to leave this for everyone:

God rest ye merry, gentlemen, let nothing you dismay, [emphasis: mine]
Remember Christ our Savior was born on Christmas Day;
To save us all from Satan’s power when we were gone astray.

Refrain

O tidings of comfort and joy, comfort and joy;
O tidings of comfort and joy.

In Bethlehem, in Israel, this blessèd Babe was born,
And laid within a manger upon this blessèd morn;
The which His mother Mary did nothing take in scorn.

Refrain

From God our heavenly Father a blessèd angel came;
And unto certain shepherds brought tidings of the same;
How that in Bethlehem was born the Son of God by name.

Refrain

“Fear not, then,” said the angel, “Let nothing you afright
This day is born a Savior of a pure Virgin bright,
To free all those who trust in Him from Satan’s power and might.”

Refrain

The shepherds at those tidings rejoiced much in mind,
And left their flocks a-feeding in tempest, storm and wind,
And went to Bethl’em straightaway this blessèd Babe to find.

Refrain

But when to Bethlehem they came where our dear Savior lay,
They found Him in a manger where oxen feed on hay;
His mother Mary kneeling unto the Lord did pray.

Refrain

Now to the Lord sing praises all you within this place,
And with true love and brotherhood each other now embrace;
This holy tide of Christmas all others doth deface.

Refrain

God bless the ruler of this house, and send him long to reign,
And many a merry Christmas may live to see again;
Among your friends and kindred that live both far and near—

That God send you a happy new year, happy new year,
And God send you a happy new year.

Invasion of the Pod People?

Well, Sybil is living up to her name. It was only Sunday night that she was "done." She was tired of living with me. She couldn't take it anymore.

Flash forward to Tuesday morning and she asks, "Why didn't you try anything last night?"

WTF!!!

One minute she's "done" and the next she's disappointed because I'm not trying to get into her pants. I can think of lots of reasons but it boils down to frustration of living with her. She's either hot or cold: one extreme or another. There is no middle of the road.

It's getting to the point of I'd rather look at porn and beat off. Sad.

Sinking...

I was going to post on some the comments about Sybil feeling that she isn't being taken seriously. I will post about that later. It is an important topic and tends to be a running theme in our arguments.

Instead, I will post about my weekend. I know, faithful reader, that you have been waiting to see what comes next in the Aphron and Sybil saga. Well, wait no further.

In typical fashion, Sybil and I took one step forward and two steps backward. Friday night was met with a long argument complete with tears from both of us. Basically, she is feeling that she has come to the end of her rope. Sybil feels that she cannot continue with me. My selfishness has led to resentment of me on her part. What brought that up? Well, we had sex the night before, and she asked about why I initiated it. I explained that I am learning to cope with her emotional outbursts, and it had taken time for me to be able to do that. See, I had no right to feel anger at being yelled and embarrassed in front of Daughter and in the restaurant. If I simply stopped trying to defend my action of coming home for lunch based on an assumption from faulty information, Sybil would not have had to yell at me. If I had tried harder to see things from her point of view, then she would have accepted my apology and everything would have been fine. So the gist of this past Friday night was this: I made Sybil lose her cool, I would not stop thinking only of myself, and I refused to try to put myself in her shoes. She was done trying.

On Saturday, Sybil and I had a sort of reconciliation. She informed me that she wasn't going to leave or anything. I explained that I would work harder on trying to put myself in her shoes. Things were looking up. Then last night happened.

After coming home from church-sponsored caroling and hayride, we stopped at the house of Son#1 to pick him up. Sybil went to the front door of the house to get him. A few minutes later Son#1 gets out of the house, rides his scooter around a bit, and then gets into the car. I ask why chose the scooter over his bicycle, and we have a conversation about that. After about a minute or two, Sybil gets into the car. That's when the fun started. She asked why no one told her that Son#1 was in the car. She wanted to know, if Son#1 had told me that he hadn't seen her. He told her no and apologized. Sybil asked me, if I asked Son#1 if he had seen her. I said no because I assumed she was talking inside and knew that Son#1 was with me. I didn't apologize at the time. That was strike three.

Sybil became "mildly irritated" (her words), and we had a two and half hour argument. What came out of the argument is same stuff: I fail to put myself in her shoes, I fail to be put her first, and I fail to set a good example for my son. When she came to the car, that was my cue to ask about her knowing Son#1 was with me. I blew it by not asking, and therefore, failing as mentioned above.

How does one predict what someone would do? I would have to know Sybil inside and out. Although I feel that I know her pretty well, we are so different on our perception of how to handle details. I have a difficult time assigning the same weight to every situation that she does. If I had paid a little more attention to detail by confirming information and not assuming, I would not be in this situation.

The sinking feeling is Sybil is making noise about being "done." How do I make the necessary changes in my behavior? Should I make the necessary changes? Is a person able to make those necessary changes?

The Saga Continues...

To answer elise, therese in heaven, and trueself I decided to answer their comments in a post rather than a comment.

A lot of our arguments are centered around Sybil feeling that I am not listening to her. In fairness, I try using the best of my abilities to focus on what she is saying. There are times where I fail. Do we listen to our spouses 100% of the time? I doubt it. Unfortunately, Sybil doesn't see it as a human failing, nor that I have and want to improve. She sees it as a form of an attack. When the tables are turned and she fails to listen to what I am saying, I do not press the attack. I do not make it into a federal case. Is the point of a marriage to live with someone and try to have peace and harmony, or is a marriage to constantly bicker over little things? If the point is constantly fighting over whether or not I ceded her point about listening to Son #1 about the lunch plans or talking with her, then Sybil and I are doomed.

The reason the last two arguments escalated into a full battle was my lack of seeing her point of view. Of course, Sybil had no intention of seeing my point of view. Instead, she chose to assume that my explanation for my actions was some sort of an attack and become angry. As I continued to try to explain my position, she became more enraged. In each instance, the thing that set her off was the feeling of not being heard. I did hear her and was even able to repeat back what she had said. It wasn't that I didn't think she had a point. However, the point was lost in the yelling. If one is in a restaurant and the server is afraid to come to the table to take the order because one is having a melt down, one might want to reconsider how one approaches the situation.

Sadly, as I bring up how her reactions make me feel closed-off and defensive, Sybil will blithely push that aside with a "it is your fault that I am reacting that way." If I had only done XYZ differently or had not done ABC, then she would not have felt that she has to yell at me to be heard. Personally, I think the natural reaction, when someone is yelling at you, is tune them out. After each episode, I feel less connected to her. For some of the female blogs I read with husbands that won't have sex with them, I have to wonder: do you do the same with your husband? The emotional draining that takes place leaves me not wanting to talk to Sybil much less touch her. After 13 years of it, I've noticed my libido goes way up, when she's not around.

Feelin' Low

Well, that smooth period with Sybil is over. Yesterday we had huge fight. Today we had another one.

We always fight about me not listening to her. Earlier in our marriage I didn't always. I tend to have random thoughts running around in my head and am easily distracted (mild ADD?). However, over last few years I really worked on staying focused on her alone. Unfortunately, the only way to do that is to not be around a distraction (TV, computer, etc.). Until yesterday, things were running pretty good.

Round#1

Yesterday morning as I'm getting ready for a morning civic club meeting, Sybil asks me to take some stuff to Son#1's middle school for PTO. Now, she said "Could you take this to the school before your meeting?" What I heard was, "Can you take this stuff to the school?" The meeting ran a little long, and I dropped the stuff off afterwards. The problem is the person that needed it was looking frantically around for it for about an hour. As I was leaving the school and running to my next errand, I called Sybil to check in. When she found out what time I dropped the stuff off, she became slightly angry. I apologized for not getting the stuff there on time. I explained that I didn't know she wanted it there before the meeting. Her reaction was a shock to me. I became slightly angry and said something about her not even getting out of bed to talk to me. Now she went ballistic. She is screaming into the phone. I try to maintain calm. She is still screaming into the phone, and then hangs up on me.

I finish my errands and arrive home mid-morning. Syibl isn't there. I had no clue where she was, so I called her. She didn't answer her phone, so I left a voice mail apologizing again and closing with "I love you." I waited a bit. No return phone call. I am pretty keyed up by the whole thing. She eventually calls back and starts screaming at me. This time I hang up on her. She calls back and is a little more rational. We talk and talk and talk. It comes out that to her I really hadn't gotten any better. She still could not depend upon me to do things for her. This was a shock to me. I had been making a conscious effort to improve in that area. We kind of make up. I'm still a little shaken by my apparent lack of progress.

Round #2

The kids are out of school. Sybil decides to take them shopping at a local outlet mall, and I'll meet them for lunch. Lunch time rolls around, and I call her. Son #1 answers the phone and tells me they are at home. I am a bit surprised because of the plans. He says he isn't going out to shop and to lunch. He hands the phone to Sybil. I ask, if I need to bring any food home. She says no and then goes into a spiel about a bank statement. Now, I'm not driving anywhere, yet. I'm still in my car waiting in the parking lot. With the information that Son #1 gave and the conversation about the bank statement, it seems to me that the family is at home, and the plans have changed. I start driving home. As we're talking, Sybil asks where I am. When she finds out, she goes nuts. She starts yelling at as to why would I do that, when we had plans for lunch. I explain to her what our son said and her possibly needing my help with the statement, so I thought the plans had changed.

Things deteriorate from there. Sybil thinks that I have placed what Son #1 said as more important than what she said. Not true I counter. I just made a decision and thought the plans had changed. No avail. My mistake did not inconvenience her any. It was the principle of not taking her seriously or getting information from her, directly.

Despite what I feel like are my best efforts, I am losing ground. Things right now haven't been this bad for awhile. I'm not sure I can go on much longer. I'm not sure Sybil can either.

Horns of a Dilemma

I just found out last night that the guy from church I posted about earlier (remember Dick and Jane) has left his wife. He is no longer living at home with his three kids. At least that's the rumor. If true, he couldn't have picked a better time of year. Now, the problem is Sybil wants me to get involved. She wants me to call him up and dive into his personal business. I keep trying to tell her that:

1. I'm not his best friend or even a close friend. We do not hang out.
2. I do not have any place getting involved into the personal life of someone else.
3. If I were in the same situation, I would not want someone sticking their nose into my business.

Sybil is pretty adamant. Although not on the list, one of the problems I have is that I kind of don't blame the guy. Obviously, he should have face the issues WAY before bringing three kids into the mix. It isn't like his wife suddenly turned into a harpy. However, this is only what is seen in public. We cannot know the inner-workings of the marriage. Therefore, I don't have any right to insert myself into it.

Any thoughts on the matter?