Thank you to those that commented on my last post.
Well, it was the calm before the storm.
Yesterday, Sybil and I had a huge fight. She was cursing (something she rarely does) and crying, and I was cursing (something I rarely do in front of her) and yelling. Nothing was resolved. I hope to smooth things over better today. I have come realize that I was wrong to reveal how I felt in public. I should have waited until we were alone and confronted her. Unfortunately, she never admitted to any wrong doing.
On the baseball bag incident, Sybil merely said that she misspoke, when she said "we". If she saw my point of view, she never indicated that to me. She could only see it as me blowing up for a comment that she made about "me" moving the bags. Towards the end of the argument, Sybil wondered why the kids and I think she is snapping at us, when she knows that she isn't. I thought that was telling, but I will wait until things are a little quieter to broach that subject. Anyway, I was wrong to show public irritation with her; I should have bit my tongue and confronted her later. However, she has indicated no wrongdoing.
As for the store incident, Sybil was stressing out because my parents about to pay for the items being purchased. She said what she said out of frustration. She really did not want my parents paying for anything, since they were our guests. I did get an apology of sorts. She did say she was sorry, but she yelled it at me with no remorse. Again, I should have not shown my irritation in public but waited until later. Again, she has indicated no remorse.
Lastly, Sybil did not wear her ring all day yesterday. Is it that easy to take off? I have not taken mine off for more than five minutes in nearly fourteen years. Sybil has always maintained that, although she may angry with me, she never stops loving me. Am I supposed to believe that? What I believe is that this supposed to make me be scared for our future. Even though I made mistakes in this, I do not feel the normal amount of remorse. If Sybil showed a little more responsibility for her part of the problem, I might be a little more contrite. Maybe I feel this is a bit of a tempest in a teapot? Maybe I feel that her behavior goes beyond the pale? I could understand if I was out all night and came home smelling of cheap perfume and cheaper booze (or versa visa), but reacting to how she was treating me? I feel as though my feelings are not taken seriously. When I tell that, I get excuses and other rhetoric. I do not get "you might be right. I'm sorry." After telling her that all I wanted was some acknowledgment of how she made me feel, I did not get that. I got excuses. I'm a forgiving person. "I'm sorry" would have sufficed.
Developing...
The demand of the loveless and the self-imprisoned that they should be allowed to blackmail the universe: that till they consent to be happy (on their own terms) no one else shall taste joy: that theirs should be the final power; that Hell should be able to veto Heaven. The Great Divorce. C.S. Lewis
9 comments:
Wow. I can't believe she took the ring off. Well, actually, I can. I'm guessing she wants you to notice that and that it is some sort of warning to you. It seems to me like she likes drama, for whatever reason and she really likes being the victim, no matter what. Nothing is ever her fault, and nothing you ever do is good enough.
I don't really have any advice, sorry. It's just frustrating for me to read.
I don't read here much yet as I am new to you, but this sure sounds like it's way too big to try and do on your own. The anger is way too much to work through, hurts to profound that it is almost impossible even with help. Do you go to counseling? Hope so.
I feel for you. Queenie says nearly everything with attitude which is how her family is. My family, on the other hand, interprets that as you do, as being snapped at. If Sybil is anything like Queenie (and I think there is sufficient evidence of that) she will not likely ever see the problem. There are also hints here that Sybil is not wrong, and coincidently neither is Queenie. Just ask her. OK, ok, I have to be honest and say that after 20 years of marriedness there are some chinks in Queenie's armor on both these fronts, but it wasn't my doing. Oh the change is not all-inclusive, just a few hints here and there. And I'm not sure what has altered her course, so I can't help entirely with that. I can, however, share some techniques I've used to cope over the years.
Since Sybil is right, that leaves you as the current solution to the problem. Just as you would with a verbal bully bite that tongue, 'till it bleeds if you have to, but don't give her the satisfaction of responding with the looks or attitude back at her. Or smile, like you know some secret you're keeping from her (think about the cool post it'll make) and move on. Hopefully you'll find what I did, that it diffuses the situation and maybe creeps her out a bit. Queenie seems to love a good argument and really has trouble coping if I choose not to engage in matters that just are not important enough to fight about. Maybe that's why she doesn't try as much now.
Now if something is worth fighting for I don't back down, but that's a different subject.
I too think that you and Sybil would benefit from some outside help -- I can hear your frustration and sense that you want things to be better, but don't know how to get there.
Good luck.
At some point you are going to have to lay it out there and tell her when you do this it bothers me and it bothers me to the point where I don't think I will be able to live with it indefinitely. Your resentment will come out eventually and it wil come out in ways you might not even imagine possible.
so gone over you-
Yes, Sybil likes drama. She likes testing me. Since I never study for tests, I usually fail. Also, I'd say it isn't about being the victim, but it is about being the martyr.
gillete-
Welcome. Counseling has been brought up by me only to be cast aside by Sybil. I think this is why marriages of 15 to 20 years suddenly end in divorce. Those couples stayed together for the kids. When the kids left, there was no reason to stay together.
xi summit-
I usually try to bite my tongue and let things slide. However, there are times when I've had it. I'm going to have to learn not respond in kind, but wait until things are quiet and then bring it up. I blame my Irish ancestry.
bccr11-
Outside help has been offered by me. Sybil will have nothing to do with it. That's why I blog. If we had outside help, my readers would have nothing to entertain themselves.
finished last-
Sybil and I definitely have resentment issues. I probably have more than she. I've tried to take the long view of things (growing old together). It doesn't always work.
Hi, Aphron. Stepping out of lurkdom briefly here just to say that, yes, by going ringless she's definitely trying to send you a "message". (Heh, my own Sybilific spouse pulled this passive-aggressive act often in our early years, because he knew the rings meant a lot to me. Then, years later, when the symbolism had lost most of its significance for me and I removed my own from time to time? He was honestly hurt. Figure....)
Learning the ability to say "you might be right, I'm sorry," when needed is one of the single most important communication skills a person can learn in marriage. That doesn't mean always giving in to the other person, but it does mean that we need to learn how to deal with conflict in a marriage. The kind of stubborn, head-in-the-sand attitude that Sybil displays is what can really kill marriages.
I respect that you at least admit to your mistakes, but I understand that probably gets tougher and tougher when she won't own up to her own shortcomings.
As a short sighted person myself, the ring thing is definitely passive aggressive. And since I have no tolerance for passive aggressive, I recommend you IGNORE it. I get aggravated with Cubed, and I have trouble seeing my own fault in things a lot of times (a lot of times being defined as the week leading up to and during my period) but I NEVER, have EVER taken my ring off. Except when it broke and needed repaired, but not out of anger.
As far as the purse thing... I agree with the previous commenter who said that's a no win sitch. For me I do not like anyone getting into my purse unless I ask them to. I would have been grateful if Cubed had brought me the whole purse.
You guys seem stuck in the sort of same stalemate we are. Cubed and I for the most part do o.k. But when it comes to a fight we both perceive ourselves as the innocent party and the other person as Offender. For me it is especially difficult to break out of that stance because I get focused on one hurt or offense ( or a handful of offenses), and have trouble getting that focus derailed for more constructive avenues of discussion.
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