What's Wrong with Me?

Well, I've been putting off this post. The intent of this blog was to "vent my spleen." I was not feeling that I had anywhere else to go to vent the frustrations of my marriage. I have shown the spotlight on some of Sybil's failings and our marriage's failings. In this post I'll try to shine on my failings. This is difficult because it will force me to look into those dark nooks and crannies that we all have.

Let's get started.

1. Procrastination. I really would rather not do it today. This is a pretty bad thing because it causes friction in my marriage. Sybil wants to get it done right now. I tend to be more lazy...er... laid back about things. I can give a lot of excuses (worked all day, I'm tired, it can wait, etc.), but the cold hard truth is I just don't want to do it. This leads to my next issue.
2. Avoidance. If you haven't guessed it by now, I am an avoider. I am not one to make a fuss about something that is bothering me. I dread the inevitable drama that seems to accompany confrontation. This drama must be avoided at all costs. The biggest down side is that things tend to come out when least convenient. One time I was listening to a comedian describe this. He tells about packing away these irritations. "Pack, pack, pack!" was his mantra. He admitted that this created times of sudden unpackage. A sudden trigger that makes all of that packed stuff come out. I know this is an area I am the weakest.
3. "Open mouth; insert foot." I am famous for saying exactly the wrong thing at exactly the wrong time. Since I enjoy making people laugh as a way to fill that void, I will saying just about anything to get that laugh. I've learned that the more outrageous the better. Naturally, Sybil lives in mortal fear of saying or doing the wrong thing. This makes for some lively discussions.
   
4. Insecurity. I think just about all of us are insecure at least about something. I am, definitely, no exception. See #3. I try to make people like by making them laugh, for instance. Other things that reveal my insecurity are coming below.
5. Trouble with criticism. This definitely goes back to my insecurity. Since one of Sybil's best attributes is critiquing me, that also makes for some lively discussion. I find it very hard to divorce myself from the criticism and focus on the whether or not there is an issue that needs to be addressed. Also, I find it very hard to take criticism from Sybil for a couple of reasons. Firstly, I care about her opinion of me. If she is criticizing me, then I feel that I am not living up to her expectations. This emotional response triggers my insecurity and causes me to become defensive. Secondly, many men yearn to be perceived as a "knight in shining armor." If my "fair maiden" finds fault, then how can I live up to that ideal. Again, insecurity comes into play.
6. Focus. I used to think I had a form of ADD. However, I now believe I have tremendous focus. Unfortunately, it rarely coincides with whatever Sybil is focused on. Many times it takes a great deal of effort to keep my mind from wandering elsewhere. I find myself tuning others out. Since this is one of Sybil's pet peeves (to be tuned out), it causes a great deal of consternation. Although focus has its advantages, it is truly a double edged sword.

I think those are big ones. The two biggest faults are avoidance and insecurity. They seem to be twin sisters of most of my problems. I have a daily struggle with them. Sometimes I actually win.