Sybil and I survived our trip to my folks. We had two spots of drama. One was medium sized and the other small. Neither involved me, directly. Really not a bad trip. For now, Sybil and I are in a good place. I know that won't last long, but I'll enjoy it while I can. This drama centered on my brother's kids. It's complicated. He married, had a kid, divorced, remarried, and now has a combined family. The new daughter seems to get preferential treatment. Sybil expected me to make a comment to my parents about the situation. Not sure how to approach that.
Yesterday, I did read some blog entries. One of the running themes is about sexual mores. One partner (usually the wife but not always) has limitations of what is allowed. Boundaries are set and rarely moved. Others posted about marital sadism: how people in a relationship know what the other wants but refuses to do it.
For my own part, Sybil and I have those problems. She knows what I want but rarely acquiesces. She has two excuses: it's disgusting or she'll be taken for granted. Let's dive into that, shall we?
The first response is disgust. This revolves around certain sex acts, namely oral sex performed on her. Sybil knows one of my biggest things (if not the biggest) is to perform on her. She knows that it is very exciting for me. I've told her how much I enjoy it. In those rare instances that she allows it, she will admit to enjoying it. She explains that she has problems with the hygienic aspect of it. Despite my best efforts to reassure that she has nothing to worry about, Sybil continues to believe that she has something to worry about. I think this would be an example of marital sadism. Sybil knows I like doing this to her; she likes having it done; but she cannot get past the irrational aspect of it. Obviously, if the tables were reversed, I think she would be put out.
The next issue that comes up between is Sybil perform oral sex on me. I am a typical guy in this department. I enjoy receiving oral sex. I'm not sure which I enjoy more. Occasionally, Sybil will perform on me. I enjoy it; she indicates that she enjoys it; yet she rarely does it. When asked, her excuse is I'll come to expect it. I'm sure she believes that. I'm not sure why. Sybil hasn't done it enough for me to take it for granted. If I were receiving her services more than once a quarter, I might be able to make a more accurate judgment. Although this example qualifies as marital sadism, I think it goes more towards control. Sybil wants to have a of control of me.
Sex with Sybil is fairly boring. I make my move; she lays on her back; and that's that. Before anyone says anything about communication, I've been there and done that. These are Sybil's boundaries and nothing I say or do will move them. She has a dichotomy: she wants someone to take control, yet will not allow them to be in control. Cake and eat it too.
Sadly, I think this a common problem in marriages. In my case, I've chosen to quit fighting the current. Dialing down my libido helps some. Mainly I've vastly decreased my expectations. Unlike many people, I can have sex just about anytime. I guess that's something to be thankful for.
The demand of the loveless and the self-imprisoned that they should be allowed to blackmail the universe: that till they consent to be happy (on their own terms) no one else shall taste joy: that theirs should be the final power; that Hell should be able to veto Heaven. The Great Divorce. C.S. Lewis
8 comments:
So, I guess the real question is - since you can have sex whenever you want (but there tends to be boundaries on it, to the point where you don't get your favorite things) - do you partake in sex alot or not so much? I mean, is it really that enjoyable if you can have it whenever you want but there are so many boundaries against things you really enjoy? (I think you pretty much answered this question, but I'm just curious - in your case, quality is better than quantity, right?)
Completely unrelated, but the situation in the first paragraph with your brother's kids was something I always worried about subconsciously doing with my ex and his son, if we were to have kids - would I subconsciously treat "our" kids better than "his" son? The thing is, kids always see and feel the difference, so if you think mentioning it to your folks would help, you might consider stepping in for the good of the kids as a whole.
Ok, I'm going to defend Sybil a little on this one. Though I have know idea why she wouldn't want to allow you to do something which is (a) something you really like to do and (b) something she would really enoy. But it made me think that there is something within her that she can't really help feeling and therefore can't enjoy it. So much so that she refuses to allow you. I don't think it's a control issue as much as it is a self-esteem issue. If she doesn't feel as though she is at her best she can't enjoy it. And apparently she never truly feels as though she's at her best.
Of course, I really have no idea, but I thought it might be something to consider.
so gone over you-
To answer your question, it runs in cycles. There are times I get tired of hitting the boundary and kind of decrease my urges.
phyllis renee-
You could be right. Sybil tends to be a control freak, so my natural assumption is her being control. I'm sure there is some self-esteem thing going on. After 15 years of marriage, one would hope to be past all of that. Maybe not.
How uncanny that this situation runs a close parallel to my own sexual relationship (or non-sexual) with JM. The only difference is... He absolutely HATES giving oral and he absolutely HATES receiving it!
And with that being said... I've never been clued into the reasons why.
Maybe with Sybil it's more about letting go of her inhibitions. Maybe there's a bit of a self esteem issue? Maybe she's been taught that it's not something we're suppose to enjoy? But then again, it may be just as you've pointed out - a control issue.
My situation is like c-marie's, except that Spousehole has never even tried giving oral and he's not fond of receiving. In his case I believe this is the result of growing up in a home where genitals were perceived as dirty and shameful. One certainly wouldn't want to put one's mouth in such a disgusting area nor would one want one's loved one to do so.
For many years I had issues with letting a man perform oral on me. I felt like I couldn't ask something so awful of someone I cared about. I ended up only receiving when I was really drunk and had fewer inhibitions. Eventually I learned that many men ENJOY it and with that I could relax and lay back and enjoy it too. But it took a while to come around (so to speak) to that way of thinking.
I did a post on this issue a while back called The Reluctant Recipient
It sounds like Sybil has trouble letting go, letting someone else be responsible for her pleasure. Does she let you manually stimulate her to orgasm or is that ceding too much control? I've also had trouble in the past with letting go sometimes, but it generally went away with time. But that feeling of vulnerability that goes with orgasm can be scary to some women. They'd rather forego the pleasure than open themselves up that much to another person.
I'm sorry Aphron. I wish I had something helpful to say. Hugs
I think Bunny hit on it or at least part of it.
Releasing herself to your control requires a certain degree of generosity and trust which I'm not feeling from Sybil. The control and sadistic aspects are very closely linked. It does seem that she gets more pleasure (or security) from controlling you than from her own erotic release which might be her own particular kink. She wants to top you from the bottom!
D.
In addition to the things that you (and the other commenters) mentioned, I see the oral sex issue (and "sexual boundaries" overall) being not just a matter of control over the OTHER person, but maintaining a semblance of control over HERSELF. At least from my own limited experience, I realize my wife isn't trying consciously to control me. But if she were to be forced into doing something that she really, really didn't want to do, she'd feel as though she lost control of herself. It is, in some ways, that self-image thing, but it's deeper. It's having a line that she knows she doesn't want to cross (the reasons don't matter), and maintaining that line is a matter of discipline and self-respect.
I don't quite understand it completely, but I know that, to an extent, that's how my wife is.
c-marie-
I don't think of Sybil as that inhibited. She does have issues with her "nether" regions that are unfounded.
bunny-
Sybil will have an orgasm with manual stimulation but prefers intercourse. Actually, she kind of has a "get on with it" kind of thing going. She will change positions occasionally, but she prefers missionary with a small amount of foreplay.
digger jones-
Like I said, she has a dichotomy: she wants me to initiate it and do the work, but she wants to control how it gets done. It's hard to be in control, when one isn't in control.
ftn-
I think you've hit the crux of the matter. She probably isn't really wanting to control me but herself. In doing so, she controls me. Surprisingly, Sybil is very disciplined and never does anything without forethought.
all-
Thanks for your input. Like many of you, this will be a continual struggle in our sex life. It's frustrating and confusing.
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