Things have come to a head with Sybil. We had a major blow-up Thursday, and the after shocks are still occurring. There's nothing like being locked in a metal box for 3 hours to provide for some hi jinks.
As you know we had recently visited my parents. The main reason of the visit wasn't seeing my parents (we're not a tight knit family; that's for a later post). Instead, it was to visit one my best friends from high school. He had come home for a visit between duty stations and had just been promoted to sargent-major. In his field, he is a success. It was a great visit. On the way home, Sybil and I were talking about it, and she asked what he made. I had no idea, but I figured he did well. Later that week I ran into someone knowledgeable about such things and asked him.
Last Thursday we were on the road again to meet up with my parents to get our kids. Not thirty minutes into the ride, I tell Sybil what I had found out. Apparently, I had talked quite a bit about my friend and the military. Sybil asked me, if I ever thought about joining the military. I said that not really, but I do have those fleeting "what if" thoughts in my head. No big deal. In previous conversations I had told her that I almost joined the Army right out of high school. Anyway, Sybil freaked out. She started questioning my love for her, the kids, whether I was going to run off and join (which is impossible: I'm almost 40), etc. I tried reassuring her that my talking about it was my happiness for my friend and his success. She thought I was jealous of him, and I wished my life was different. I explained that I had my chance, I don't regret my decision, I love my life, I have no intention of making some radical change, etc. She didn't believe that was what my intentions were.
Apparently, she added the words "recently" to the question "do you ever think about joining?" I missed the recently part. When that was explained to me, I told her that I misheard her, and no, I do not wish I had joined the military. I admit to being guilty of not listening to every word she said. Obviously, I missed that one word. When taking that and my complaining of the stress of my job, she just knew I was unhappy, wanted to leave her and the kids, and join up. Nothing I said could change her mind. I tried to explain that EVERYONE complains about their job/career at some point. Nothing would assure her. I'm still trying to wrap my head around it.
Now, Sybil feels unloved. She feels that I don't love her anymore. She thinks I am staying with her simply for the sake of the kids, or divorce is too expensive for us. She does not believe that I really care about her. The main reason isn't Thursday's blow-up but the aftermath. Whenever we have a blow-up, I'm supposed to broach the subject to her the next day. Since 99% of the time she is mad at me, she expects me to come up to her and bring up the subject. Never mind that we had an hours long argument the day before. If I truly loved her, I would be the one to confront her about it.
I have a problem with that for three reasons:
1. I DO have a problem with confrontation. I have this perverse desire for everyone to like me. I'm the Nice Guy. I don't waves or drama. I want a simple discussion with a simple resolution. After the discussion I want that to filed away into the Past.
2. I'm not the one that "owns" the problem. If I am mad at someone, I am supposed to confront that person. It sounds silly to me. If someone doesn't come to me with a problem, I'm not going to work on fixing the problem. I maybe looking at things wrong, but it almost sounds as if Sybil wants her pound flesh too.
3. With Sybil, there is no simple discussion. I've done the broaching the next day once or twice. It did not change the results of the argument. Re-hashing it does not lead to some greater understanding or an epiphany.
I do not want a divorce. I know all anyone reads here is Sybil's bad side. She is actually a wonderful person. Like anyone else, it's difficult to live with her. Sadly, I have to mend fences with her. I know what she wants; I'm not sure I can make the changes she wants/needs.
The demand of the loveless and the self-imprisoned that they should be allowed to blackmail the universe: that till they consent to be happy (on their own terms) no one else shall taste joy: that theirs should be the final power; that Hell should be able to veto Heaven. The Great Divorce. C.S. Lewis
9 comments:
You know, all I can say is that it is not supposed to be this hard. Really, it isn't. :(
Maybe writing a letter to her rather than getting into a verbal discussion?
I dunno. I've never dealt well with the over-emotional types. I feel for ya.
Well, first of all - thank your friend for his service from the rest of us out here in Blogland. :)
I don't understand Sybil and I never really have. I sometimes get the impression that she likes drama, likes keeping you on your toes, and likes being mad at you.
Here's to hoping that the next few days aren't as bad, since I don't really have any advice.
Aphron, a couple of times over the last few years I've commented on your blog. Your wife and mine (now my ex) are twins separated at birth. Sybil has Borderline Personality Disorder. She's not going to change. Ever. You need to decide if you are going to learn to live with her, or learn to live without her. Continuing on your current path will only lead to madness (yours, not hers). -leavingOz
I'm going to ditto what ahs already been said here - I think Anon is on to something with the Personality Disorder. There is help and support for that.
Also, writing a letter to her as Farmwife suggests is a safe option and most times people can convey things a little deeper and avoid the escalation of another argument.
Sounds like a very gentle approach is needed. I get the impression she's very insecure with herself and within your relationship but I don't know what it takes to change that... walking on eggshells every day is not a healthy lifestyle for you.
Good Luck!
As So Gone mentioned, Sybil seems to thrive on the drama, and she likes being mad at you. You've mentioned before that the divorce thing gets thrown around from time to time -- Is she just looking for some, any, excuse? It's odd.
Talking about your career possibilities in the past is okay, but with someone like Sybil, you obviously need to choose your words carefully. When you say something like,
I explained that I had my chance, I don't regret my decision, I love my life...
"I had my chance" is probably a bad choice of words when dealing with a very insecure woman.
Did you use Spousehole's favorite line? It goes like this: "If I didn't love you, I certainly wouldn't be hanging around putting up with your shit!" It makes me feel oh so loved and adored.
Try it. I dare you.
Honestly, I think the BPD diagnosis may have some merit. As others said, there are support groups, online and IRL for loved ones of people with BPD.
Also I think sometimes Sybil pushes you and picks fights because she wants reassurance that you love her. I know that sounds nuts, and it is, but think about it. She wants to know that you still love her, so she pushes you to the point that if you didn't love her you would definitely leave. I'm not saying she does this consciously. Perhaps regularly demonstrating your love for her in a way that she understands (words, gifts, acts of service, physical affection - whatever it is that makes her feel loved) would make her feel less insecure about your love and change her behavior. It sure couldn't hurt, right?
Well, damn... I have to comment early otherwise everybody else writes out what I was thinking first.
Sybil likes to fight. She wants to play games and you are the mouse she bats around. That is why there is never a resolution. If the cat kills the mouse, it has nothing left to play with.
I can only imagine how draining this is... my XBF was like this...I always had to watch what I said that could be "taken the wrong way" - I feel for you
all-
Sorry for my delay in replying. After a long discussion, it seems that we are at a status quo. I really appreciate what you've written here. I know that Sybil enjoys keeping me on my toes. She cannot "kick back and relax" in any facet of her life. Marriage is no different. As for borderline personality disorder, I've looked into and Sybil has some of its characteristics, but I think she mainly thrives on drama. It's funny to see her complain about drama others thrust upon her, yet she has no problem with using it herself. Thanks for your comments.
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