Wednesday, January 07, 2009


How many of us yearn for control? How many need that illusion of being in control of one's life, or at least certain aspects?

Too many times people try to maintain control of situations, themselves, others. There are different ways of exerting control. No matter the method the result is the same: maintaining that illusion.

The reality is this: no one has control. Period. I may get diagnosed with pancreatic cancer and die in a few months. I may have a terrible car accident and be permanently maimed. Any one of a million things could happen. In a blink of an eye that illusion is shattered.

I am thinking about this because of a conversation Sybil and I had last night. Last night was her regular, monthly Bonko get together. For those that don't know Bonko is the excuse women use to get together, drink, eat, and talk about their family. Oh, there may some kind of game of chance involved. I digress. Her Bonko group has been undergoing some changes, so there is less game playing and more drinking and having a good time. I do not have a problem with that. I think time away with personal pursuits is important in a marriage. No, the irony is this new direction. Next month they are going to have a bowling night. The month after that will be sex toy night. Now, I am a normal man. The thought of my wife attending a sex toy night made my "juices flow." However, after a moment's thought, I realized this will be leading to nothing.

Sybil loves control. She stated that she is frustrated in her life because she does not have enough control. There is no better example of Sybil's need to control than sex. She will be the first to admit she loves sex. She would want it nearly everyday. However, the sex must be within her boundaries. Going outside of those boundaries is surrendering her control and cannot be allowed.

This brings up some interesting confusion. Sybil wants to be controlled during sex. She has some submissive qualities about her during sex. However, she has a narrow list of things that can be done. This creates the illusion of being out of control while still being in control. It can be confusing. Are you with me so far? This is confusing because she wants to be in control while being controlled.

One of the glaring examples is initiation of sex. I have to be the one to initiate. If I do not and Sybil is in the mood, I am made to feel like I don't want her. She rarely initiates (9 out of 10 times I initiate). When I do initiate it, the same thing happens every single time: she lays back and goes along for the ride. I have no doubt she really enjoys it and really is having a good time. Sadly, sex has become another chore for me to do around the house.

Finally, the total irony of this sex toy night is it will do nothing for our bedroom antics. Sybil had received a couple of small sex toys as part of a white elephant gift about 3 Christmases ago at this Bonko gathering. She laughed about it. When I brought up trying some of the stuff (personal lubricant, hand held massager, edible panties), she just laughed, rolled her eyes and put the stuff away in the closet. Never to be seen again. Using some of this stuff might mean Sybil had to relinquish some control.


So Gone Over You said...

I always felt like alot of the issues with my ex (the one who was the reason I started my blog) was about control... I wasn't allowed to initiate sex, sex was always on his terms, and even though he enjoyed it, it's like he couldn't enjoy it too much.

Maybe it's a cultural thing for Sybil?

I know with my current boyfriend, because of this stupid machismo shit in his culture, it's kind of like insulting to him for me to initiate - he's the man, he does that, blah blah blah... maybe something along those lines for Sybil?

Anonymous said...

First, I know we have said it before, but I am amazed at times that you and I write some posts that are so dang similar it is scary.

You use some words that are right on. Illusion being the most prominent.

Now, one thing that I am sure you already know, is that the old adage is that the submissive is really the one in charge, because they are the ones that can say "stop." That gives them the real "power." So, in reality there is no conflict in Sybil wanting to be the submissive considering her controlling nature.

The rest of it is the "illusion." In being the submissive she is allowing herself to enjoy something that is "naughty" (usually by religious or other moral standards), and she uses the illusion of being out of control to allow herself to enjoy it. But since it is an illusion it doesn't necessarily "work" for you.

Yes, I am a grand stater of the obvious.

I wish I had an answer for you, but really it is up to Sybil if she is willing or wanting to experience something new.

Anonymous said...

Queenie likes me to take charge, likes for me to be decisive, wants me to take a stand. So she can counter-mand my direction. 'Cause I'm the only one she feels comfortable enough to do that to. Took me many years to understand that.

Reverse phsychology is my new best friend ....

Bunny said...

I used to need to be in control so much that I was scared to "let go" and really enjoy sex. I liked it, don't get me wrong, but full-out orgasms were for my solitary time only. I did not want to use sex toys with my partner because that meant ceding control to him. Although part of me really wanted to give up control. I was just as confused as Sybil.

So I tried to "top from the bottom," as it is called. Be ravaged, but on my terms. It wasn't until I learned to let go (drug/alcohol-fueled, at first) that I could let myself be "on the bottom" for real. I can still top with the best of them, but have learned to be quite versatile. Problem is, my husband couldn't "top" if his life depended on it.

Is Sybil willing to use the sex toys on her own? If so, that's a good start.

Is she willing to allow you to tie her up, but with loose "pretend" knots that she can easily slip out of if things get too intense for her? (That's essential for me. I have to really, really, really trust someone to actually be immobilized.)

Would she even consider a sex session where she ties you up, but then has to do whatever you tell her? (Oral, girl-on-top, dance for you)

For me, the key to getting me to do things that were previously outside my comfort zone was my partner telling me repeatedly how much he wanted me, how sexy I was to him, how much he wanted to share "x" experience with me, etc. Heck, after a couple months of that I even had anal sex with my friend-with-benefits! (And liked it). Does Sybil respond to these sort of things?

selkie said...

one of my mantras over the past few years has been to repeat over and over "what you cannot control, you must let go of" - which is a super healthy way to live but remarkably hard to actually achieve.

I am a controlling person - I admit it which is why I LIKE being controlled in sexual situations - BUT, having said that, way back when I actually HAD a sex life, I was as lief to initiate as him - so don't have the double (and to me, soudns bloody frustrating) standard you indicate your sybil has ...

god, people can make what is ultimately a natural act so damn conplicated...

FTN said...

I'm going to go out on a limb here and answer all of Bunny's questions for Aphron, in regards to things Sybil might possibly be willing to do:

No. No. And no.

aphron said...