Another post in the same month. Hard to believe, isn't it?
Resentment is what's ricocheting in my head right now. Pure, evil resentment. Resentment is an amazing thing. It is a very sneaky bugger. One doesn't know about one's suffering from it until one has a full-blown case of it. It has many causes but the end result is the same: anger. Sadly, I think this phenomenon is the root cause for discord in a marriage.
Resentment can make one seem childish. How to deal with resentment? How does one let go of the poison in one's system? I stand (actually, sit in front of my screen) as one that suffers from this calamity. As one that suffers from it, I, alone, can solve it. In theory, it is very simple. Confront the reason for my resentment. In my case, it is Sybil.
As an illustration, let me offer an example of the cause of resentment. As I was helping daughter with learning the states and capitals in the Pacific time zone last night, Sybil thought of a different way of doing it. I will admit to her way being simpler than mine. Let us say that I was "over engineering" the solution. When Sybil saw what my solution was, her response was to call me "Idiot".
Verbal abuse? To be sure. How did I deal with it? I didn't. Why? In times past I have confronted Sybil in these situations. She likes to hurl what I've called "verbal hand grenades". By lobbing these hand grenades, Sybil had blithely toss them and run, figuratively speaking. The defense she offers up is "well, you were acting like an idiot" or "you frustrated me with how you did it". As she uses these excuses, I ask her, "if our kids called another an idiot for whatever reason, would that be ok with you?" Her response is to still continue to blame me for her bad behavior.
This leads to resentment. Sybil does not offer an apology. Since I was doing something stupid, she has the every right to call me an idiot, in her mind. She does not see the long term effect this would cause someone. Multiply this sort of thing by 16 years, and one sees what I mean. This is just one little thing (sticks and stones kind of thing). Add that product to years of sexual suffocation and the end result is not pretty.
What is the answer? If I were not a Christian and more narcissistic, I would leave Sybil. That is not off of the table. Sadly, she is too intertwined in my professional life. Not mention the three ankle biters I have living with me. I guess I'll continue to blog about my personal problems. I guess I haven't, totally, vented my spleen.
Later,
Aphron
The demand of the loveless and the self-imprisoned that they should be allowed to blackmail the universe: that till they consent to be happy (on their own terms) no one else shall taste joy: that theirs should be the final power; that Hell should be able to veto Heaven. The Great Divorce. C.S. Lewis
5 comments:
"Since I was doing something stupid, she has the every right to call me an idiot, in her mind."
That's funny, because it seems by that line of logic, you could call her a bitch after she calls you an idiot.
Getting talked to like that isn't as common in my marriage, but when it does happen, it's helpful when I confront in a reasoning manner, rather than throwing names back. "You have no reason to talk to me that way, it's disrespectful and I didn't do anything wrong," is a pretty straightforward way of dealing with it. Head on, logical, and confident. (Sounds easier than it is, usually.)
Of course, if she's feeling like an argument, it may not go that well no matter what you say. But I'd have a tough time just ignoring it, or it could become too much of a habit for her.
Oh, I've done that. I've let her know how it makes me feel, it is inappropriate (if you wouldn't want your kids doing then why are you), how divisive it is, etc. It. Just. Doesn't. Work.
In Sybil's mind, she is simply letting me know how she feels. It seems rather selfish. Ironically, she is constantly telling me how selfish I am.
Yup. 'Every careless word' (Matt. 12:36) and all that. . .
It just seems bizarre that she can't remotely see the 'Golden Rule' aspect of her verbal behavior. You're right - it's incredibly hurtful, and destructive, and yet she feels completely justified in her own mind. It's as if her 'moral Universe' ends at her own skin.
'Selfish' doesn't seem quite the right word for it; more like 'narcissistic'. Which is a form of mental illness. . .
I don't think I've got much to say of a very constructive nature. I know it doesn't help for me to say I'm sorry for your situation. I'll raise up a prayer for you. . .
Thanks, Desmond. That's what keeps me going.
Well, that and midget porn. :)
I have had to address this same issue in my marriage. What has seemed to help is to merely state the facts -- no judgments. Instead of saying she's being rude or inconsiderate or something like that, merely say something like, "I'm not an idiot and I would appreciate it if you wouldn't call me one." Then go on as though nothing happened. Not another word about it. Next time she does something similar, do the same thing. I've done this and it has helped tremendously. It makes me feel better being less emotional about the situation and consistent with taking up for myself.
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