Wednesday, September 08, 2010

Again...I'm Not Dead

Well, not yet!

I've taken some time off to try to focus on the problems with my marriage. I wish I could say this hiatus has been helpful. It wasn't. Sybil is still Sybil. She still screams at me; she still uses abusive language; she still does not censor what she says or how she says it in front of our kids. I really thought that being thoughtful and trying to listen would help. I really thought that quicker apologies for the slightest misstep would defuse the situation. Boy, was I stupid!

Now? I just want out. I don't want to be married to her anymore. I'm tired of her screaming fits. I'm tired of her rage. I'm tired of always having to police what I say or do, yet she knows no bounds in her biting rhetoric. I'm tired of her trying to control every aspect of my life. I just want out. I'm tired.

I'm renaming our marriage the "Zombie Marriage." It isn't dead nor is it alive. It just plods along. Neither of us want to be the one to call it quits. Neither wanting to be the one that left the committed relationship. Neither wants to be branded a quitter. However, if she asked for a divorce, I don't think I would try to stop her. I'm so tired of it all.

Some have noted that she may have Borderline Personality Disorder. She may. I don't care. Her fits of rage over the most trivial of situation; her fits of rage that escalate every situation far beyond what is needed; and her fits of rage are more than any sane person can take. If I were to tell those that know us socially what she's like, they would not understand. Sybil is very good at having one persona in public and quite another in private. In public, people perceive her as helpful and nice, but in private she is quite the opposite. She's volatile.

I blame myself, ironically enough. I'm the one that allowed this to continue for these 17 years. I'm the one that did not set boundaries. I hoped that ignoring it would quiet things. Nope. My allowing it to continue only emboldened her. I believe the term is enabling. I have enabled her bad behavior by not calling her out on it. Like the petulant child, forcing her to see herself only makes her resent me more. After all, she wouldn't have to yell and verbally abuse me, if I didn't do X,Y, or Z. Typical abuser.

I'm ready to get off of this co-dependent carousel. I'm ready for this ride to stop. Hold on, though, it'll get bumpy before it gets smooth.


Val said...

Well life's too short to live in misery. [Pot, meet kettle]
Things are nowhere near that bad in my marriage, but then again I see very little of P w/his brutal travel schedule... It's more of a reverse situation - nowhere near approaching the levels of verbal/emotional abuse I endured in my 1st marriage, but P has no filters & has said exceptionally shitty things to me & mine - even worse, he rarely apologizes.

Good luck buddy!

aphron said...

Thanks. I appreciate your moral support.

Desmond Jones said...

I don't think I have anything meaningful to say. This has been an awful situation for as long as I've been coming here, and on one level, I admire your persistence in hanging in as long as you have. . .

Can I say that I will pray for you, without it seeming utterly trite?

aphron said...

Thanks, Desmond.

I fully realize that every relationship has bumps in the road. It is about something larger than self. If I didn't have three children with the youngest at an impressionable 11 years old, I would have packed it in awhile ago.

Thank you for your prayers. I need them.

Anonymous said...

You're note alone. I actually fantasize about my husband of nearly 20 years running off with another woman (or man, or Whatever. Please just GO already!) -- it's that bad. Yeah, I know it takes 'two to tango' and all that jazz (and yes, I'm responsible for a lot of it too by internalizing and not not setting the proper boundaries all these years), but when one is married to a Narcissist -- it's all about the "Me, Me, MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!". Doesn't give ya much to work with. So I gave up long ago -- now the focus is just the day-to-day coping and trying to get the kids a little older until the Time is Right. In any case, wishing you the best of luck....

Anonymous said...

She needs meds, most likely. Anti-depressants might do wonders for her.

Could also be hormonal imbalance. Worth thinking about!

Owen Pratt said...

Grateful for ssharing this