Friday, October 08, 2010

New Horizon or SSDD*?

Sybil and I had a long "discussion" last night. It centered on how she doesn't feel connected with me anymore. I do not put forth any effort in maintaining our relationship (funny...I thought we were married). She is carrying the burden of said relationship.

I, totally, get what she is saying. Sybil is correct. I have been "phoning it in" for quite some time. Basically, since June of 2006. That time in Las Vegas did more damage than benefit in my eyes. During that fateful trip, I learned a couple of things. The main thing I learned was to dial down my libido and radically decrease my expectations. If I am to maintain any semblance of marital calm, I cannot expect fun times with Sybil.

Anyway, I digress. The point of the conversation was she feels that I am not emotionally attached to our relationship (or marriage or whatever). I guess I have stopped trying in some ways. Let's run through the list of things that have caused me to "phone it in":
  1. Sex with Sybil is boring. She has sooooo many boundaries and rules that escaping from a Soviet Gulag would be easier.
  2. Oral sex either received or given is limited in quantity. Sybil uses fellatio as a tool for control. I mean I don't want to expect it, now do I (once a quarter is enough me, right?)? Cunnilingus is kind of disgusting for me to go down there, so we can't do that.
  3. On the rare occasion that I try to have a little diversion (read a book, watch a movie/ballgame, play on the computer, etc.), Sybil accuses me of being selfish for not wanting to spend time with her.
  4. Getting up early, getting the kids to school, making her coffee, letting her sleep in, working 10-12 hour days in a stressful profession, helping run the kids to their various after school activities, not denying her anything (materially), and helping around the house is not enough. When I collapse at 9:30 in the evening, I am a selfish jerk for not wanting to stay awake and have a deep, meaningful conversation with her.
  5. Said conversations are never about how I feel; they are only about what I have done to make her unhappy. If I bring up something (for example, I don't appreciate the verbal abuse heaped upon me) then I hear, "If you didn't X, Y, or Z, then you would not have to hear the abuse."
Men can handle aggravation, generally, better than women. If a women had to contend with the above list and received verbal abuse, she would be out of the door taking half of his stuff so fast one's head would spin. Even so, at what point do I begin to think in terms of a bad investment? At what point do I begin to think in terms of little reward for my efforts? I guess I already am.

Realistically, I am the one at fault. In the beginning of our marriage (not just relationship), I allowed her to set the tone. I thought that, if I showed her my love (kind of put her on a pedestal), then everything would be ok. I have learned just how wrong I was. Putting another on a pedestal only means that you are at his/her feet.

So the conversation while meaningful for Sybil did not really resolve anything for me. She still has not taken responsibility for her actions or part in this drama. Therefore, I can only say that we are not facing a New Horizon, but we are facing SSDD.

*SSDD is "Same Shit Different Day" for those that do not know.


Trueself said...

So here's the problem. You've checked out. Sybil hasn't. W and I were at that point for a while. Now that I've checked out we get along fine for the most part. He does his thing. I do mine. Now the only thing we ever argue about is our son N.

I have a feeling it's going to be an awfully long time before Sybil checks out so the misery will continue.

Now, I'm not saying you'll have a good marriage at the point that she checks out. You won't, but you will at least have a more peaceful one.

Just writing this makes me realize (again) just how sad and pathetic my life really is. Bleah. . .

Anonymous said...

Um, why don't you just ask for a seperation or divorce? Or, at least tell her plainly that you are no longer interested in being in the marriage in a real sense?

Or, certainly you could nothing at all and just continue on in misery, but is that what you want to do? Really?

aphron said...

Sybil doesn't want to "check out". She says she is doing all of the work in keeping our marriage going. In a sense, she is. The problem is that she wants to stir up drama as she does so. She wants to air her problems with me, but she doesn't want to hear my problems with her.

That is a solution to the problem. It is not that easy. I could list the myriad of issues that would have to be dealt with, but I won't. Instead, I will say it isn't that easy. Or...I haven't stopped trying at all. I've come to realize that I cannot expect Sybil to meet my needs.

Trueself said...

Aphron -- I was in Sybil's position for a long time, unwilling to check out and wanting to find a way to get W to check back in. I finally gave up. Maybe she will too. Maybe not. Things become way less miserable once both parties check out. No, not miserable. . . let's see. . . what word am I looking for. . . volatile. Things become less volatile once both parties check out, and then the marriage is at least tolerable (sort of). If you have truly checked out and she is unwilling to then I do believe Anon has the right answer. Then again, where relationships are concerned I'm the last person you should take advice from. It's just that it's easier for me to deal with other people's situations than my own.

Anonymous said...

Aphron - having made the excruciating decision to divorce (after 18 years of marriage) myself and having lived thru it, I COMPLETELY understand what you mean when you say it isn't that easy. No sir, it is certainly not easy, it is painful, complicated and in many ways like experiencing a death. So, I know it is very difficult to come to this decision. BUT.

You describe what appears to be a dead marriage. You are living inside a dead thing, with a person whose presence seems to actually cause you some level of torment, anyway that's why I made my earlier comment about deciding to seperate (not a permanent thing) or divorce (permanent), rather than continue on in misery........

Or, if the level of misery is not bad enough to warrant any action, that is ok too. I stayed in a pretty unhappy situation until it just got too bad, i. e., I suddenly realized I did not really care if I lived or died if I had to keep on living that way. That is NOT life as we all deserve to live it. So, there was my tipping point, everyone has a unique tipping point.

Best of luck to you in whatever you decide to do. Remember, when it all comes down to it we've just got this one life (unless of course you believe in reincarnation).

Val said...

Great points all around...
I, too, freely admit to having "checked out" of marriage #2; I had to safeguard myself emotionally although I also admit to a certain degree of longing for that "having my cake & eating it too" situation (I would like to see some reflection of commitment from P; how's that go about sh*tting in one hand while wishing in the other, see which one fills up faster?)
I'm just not willing to rock the boat at this stage - maybe in a few more yrs I will be!

Sai Hijara - Ferraris said...

Happy New Year to you!

Fat Bastard said...

While I haven't checked out on the marriage I have done so on the physical intimacy. It was .... strange? .... to think that was possible but it happened and it, um, works. For us.

Not that the intimacy has stopped or anything, it just happens when she starts it and no other times. She wanted control, she has control, and so far hasn't said a word about it. And, well, it happens more often and is far less stressful. It works for us, so far.

perdido said...

just checking in on you afer I found an old bookmarks file LOL how are things?