First of all, I am not the brightest bulb in the chandelier. Looking back, I see a pattern of behavior that was there from the beginning of our marriage. Sybil is narcissistic. Only her feelings matter. In the last post I wrote about the camping thing. As it turns out, Sybil only "felt" that I had ruined the kids on camping. She never actually asked them. Since how she feels about something trumps everyone else's, she feels totally justified in LYING about it. When confronted, she will say that I provoked her (made an ugly face, talked to her with sarcasm, whatever). I have endured 19 years of this because I thought that was what I supposed to do. I thought that two adults come together and try to iron out their differences. If unable, then they just work on accepting the other person for who they are. I know, I know...I'm pretty dumb. Sadly, we all see the world through our own prism. It's hard to really see the world for what it is.
Secondly, we have kids. I strongly believe that becoming a parent means you have to set aside one's unhappiness to take care of one's kids. The role of parents is to raise the kids. That doesn't mean in separate houses. However, I don't think I would have gone through all of this if we didn't have kids.
Thirdly, I am a Christian. I take it to heart that God hates divorce. The only reason for divorce is adultery. Not because I am unhappy.
The reason I started this blog was to cope with being married to Sybil (Sybil may have a different take on things. She can start her own blog). It seemed that I was losing my mind. I could not believe a rational adult could behave this way. Of course, that assumes she is rational. So, at first I started this blog as a catharsis. Now the blog has become an actual log. I am logging my situation, if divorce comes up. This blog is a means to protect myself as I am able. Although I will not file for divorce because of the reasons I have listed (being dumb is probably primary), I would not put it past Sybil. It all depends on her FEELINGS. That is the metric I am measured. Since her feelings are always in a state of flux, I will always be short.
I appreciate those that still read my blog. I appreciate even more those that comment. I know what my choices are. I have always known.
5 comments:
There's no doubt you know your choices.. I just hope, for your sake (and sanity), that you can find *some* way of releasing some of your own feelings, and meeting your own needs, while you pursue the path you've picked.
And, although I obviously am not "in your shoes", there are times and circumstances when I truly do think God will look at the whole, which He sees far more clearly than we do- and is this the best place for your kids, etc etc?
Only you and Sybil and God know this, but fwiw, this internet-reader hopes you can find some ease, somehow-
Well, here I'll ask a coule simple questions:
1) What are you teaching your children by staying?
2) Is a divorce required before you can remove yourself from an impossible situation?
I've known a few couples who were able to separate and eventually be amicable with each other yet not divorce. Yes, it's a bit more expensive. Yes, it's complicated. Yes, there are issue that you would have to manage with in regards to the children.
I've seen what can happen when a couple hangs in there 'no matter how ugly it gets'. Just FWIW.
Yup. 21 long and not-so-fun years of marriage to my Narcissistic husband.....
I checked out emotionally years ago -- the only way really, short of walking out, to even begin to cope with such an impossible situation: the devaluation, irrational thinking, hypocrisy, selfishness, rage, self-absorption, inconsideration, gas-lighting, stubbornness, emotional abuse, utter lack of empathy or capacity for personal reflection/insight -- all of it making it feel like the Twilight Zone at times. Only a person who has personally suffered through a narc relationship can even begin to understand (--What I really want to know is....just how do these people all present the same predictable Narc traits and patterns? Women, men, young, old, different cultures? Doesn't seem to matter, so do they all read the same Narc Handbook, or what???).....
Still, despite everything, like you my focus has been my children. They mean the world to me -- as such my goal is simply to get them reared and properly launched (only a few years away by now). After that I can re-evaluate -- and so I shall....
Besides, it's finally dawning on me that since I got swept up in the spell of at least one Narc (maybe even more if I consider an ex-boyfriend or two, hmmm), I may very well have the personality that attracts them (like ugly black flies). Narc fodder, as it were -- as such perhaps I'm better off (at least for now) dealing with the Narc I know, than the one I don't....
Anyway, keep on keeping on, Aphron (all while knowing, sadly, that your own personal Narc will never ever EVER change)....
I wish you peace Aphron (& please don't downgrade yourself so)...
I'm VERY lucky that my narcissist left for greener pastures, although he continues to torment me through our son.
I don't think I have much to contribute to the discussion here, beyond my sympathy (which you probably don't want, and anyway, it doesn't do you any good), and my admiration (which you might or might not appreciate, but it still doesn't get you much). Just taking seriously that God hates divorce is a rare enough thing in this day and age, even among folks who really ought to know. . .
I should probably just defer to my friend Xavier; he's had more experience with trying to heal troubled marriages than I have. And he asks some very well-directed questions. . .
I'm sure I would have done like Anonymous above, and checked out emotionally long ago. I mean, really checked out; not even engage hostilities with her, just shut up and stare straight ahead and refuse to play the game. Like we tell our kids, "stop, drop and roll"; get out of the hostile situation. Don't know that that would do any good for your marriage or not, but it might do some good for your blood pressure. . .
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