Apparently, verbal abuse I receive from Sybil is all my fault. If only I had (fill in the blank), I would not have forced Sybil to say mean and awful things to me.
On December 10, 2012, Sybil said, "I have to work with stupid." She was referring to me. When she said this statement, I had nearly completed closing of the day at our office...as she requested I do. Apparently, she did not mean for me to actually complete the closing...just get it ready to be complete. Since she wasn't ready, she totally freaked out, yelled at me, and then told the kids that reason we have to work late is because, "I have to work with stupid."
Today, things are at a standstill. I have told Sybil that her behavior was unacceptable, that she was abusive to me in front our children, and that she went beyond the boundary. Throughout all of this she maintains that her comment was made because of what I did. If I had understood that she didn't mean for me to totally close out the day...only get it ready to be closed out, then she would never have said that. Basically, it is all of my fault.
Do I think verbal abuse is on the same plane as physical? No. Physical abuse can lead to permanent injuries and even death, so there is no way they are on the same plane. However, years of verbal abuse lead to other problems.
It doesn't matter, really. What matters is that Sybil feels that she can talk to me in any way she wants at any time she wants. While I understand people lose their cool which causes them to say and do things they would not normally do, people must at least be apologetic. No apology is forthcoming because it is all of my fault.
I think that when the youngest son leaves home that will be that. That will be in less that 5 years.
The demand of the loveless and the self-imprisoned that they should be allowed to blackmail the universe: that till they consent to be happy (on their own terms) no one else shall taste joy: that theirs should be the final power; that Hell should be able to veto Heaven. The Great Divorce. C.S. Lewis
9 comments:
Staying even 5 years will be more detrimental to yourself and your kids than leaving now. The woman is nuts.
(Side note: this is So Gone, lol.)
There are planes and levels, yeah- but that kind of abuse is way beyond anything you should be taking, and the message it gives to your kids is possibly worse than the message you are afraid of sending them, if you leave.
I'm all for working on a marriage- God knows, we've had to- but she's not working on it.
I agree with So Gone- she's nuts.
I snorted at your title, but not at the substance of your post...
Your kids deserve better than seeing an abusive relationship modeled as the norm for a marriage. More importantly, YOU deserve better!
I may complain about things now, but it would have been infinitely worse if M had stayed...
Abuse is abuse, my friend. She's assaulting your dignity as surely as if she hit you in the face with a shovel.
Do not 'give in' to 'you made me do it'. Let her know that she has to own her own actions. Don't let her off the hook; don't allow her to treat you that way, whether she tries to make it 'your fault' or not. Just don't stand for it.
It probably won't make her treat you any better, but at least you're not appeasing her, and you're making clear that you're not consenting to her treatment of you. . .
Thanks for the comments. Lord knows I've been trying to keep her feet to the fire, but she holds fast that my not understanding her request led to her outburst. Although she admits to doing something wrong, she has no remorse. It's all my fault.
Oh, I know; I don't really suppose that you're likely to effect much change in her. You can't control what she does, anyway.
But you can control your own response to her. For your own sake, don't accept her abuse, or dignify her assertion that 'it's all your fault' with a response. Don't accept the verbal beatings she gives you. Stand your ground. The problem is NOT what you did, it's her over-the-top abusive response.
Like I say, it's unlikely that she'll change on your account, but at least you can stand up for your own dignity. . .
The first thing you need to understand is that verbal abuse is every bit as serious as physical abuse, in some cases and applications it can be considered far worse.
As Denielle indicates, staying in a verbally or physically abusive situation affects all connected to it and staying in an unresolved abusive situation is always a bad choice. You must understand that your children are learning that this is 'normal' and that this is 'acceptable' and that is just not right.
I've not said much about it but my mother has lived a scarred lifetime attributable to verbal abuse that she still has not been able to rise above, even 4 decades later and some of those scars were passed on to my brothers .....
Aphron,
I was in a similar situation as yours - suffered in silence the verbal abuse, continous conflict and her inability to function as a parent. I am now moving through a divorce and I am so much happier now that the dark cloud is lifted. And my 15 year old son is THRIVING!
It doesn't matter if sybil is a narcissistic, a solipists, or a borderline personality nutcase.
You need to stand up for your self. You need to set limits on her behavior. You have taught Sybil, over these many years, how to behave towards you. Now you need to undo those lessons. She needs to learn to treat you with respect and dignity. If she can't learn that, you need to move on. Divorce her.
The other commenters are right - you are also teaching your children what is acceptable behavior in a relationship. For your sake and for their sake - start putting limits on her behavior.
Please read: "Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life" by John Townsend. An excellent book from a christian perspective that points out how it is GOD himself who desires that we take control of our own live.
Everyone has said what I would say. The verbal abuse is every bit as harmful. The fear is the same. The self doubt it precipitates is the same, and children tend to grow and model marriages after their parents, which means your boys, unless they see you stand up and say it is not acceptable for anyone to treat you this way, are likely to find partners that will treat them the same way Sybil treats you.
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