A couple of things that are rattling around in my head. Not much of a post, but has some personal stuff.
We hired a new staff member recently. She's one of those kind of "earthy" types. I'm not sure she'll stay long, but I find myself infatuated with her. She's kind of attractive but not gorgeous. I could not put my finger on it for several days. Then, I had an epiphany. She, actually, is kind to me. She smiles. She says positive things. There is nothing overtly anything. After my epiphany, I realized she's that way with everyone. It was another reminder that a kind word will do more than an angry one. I'm sure this infatuation will pass. I do have not plans to even engage in it. Yet, I feel even more depressed that this was all it takes for me to get this way: kindness.
I have been reading Stop Walking on Eggshells by Paul Mason and Randi Kreger. According to the Kindle App, I'm 82% finished. What have I learned? Set Boundaries, Mirror Sybil's emotions (don't be a sponge). Sadly, the subtext is that I have to be mindful of her emotions and feelings, so I can defuse the situation. However, I can really never expect her to do the same. Wow. I knew this. However, reading it seemed to make it so final. Knowing that the one person closest to me does not really care about my feelings or emotional well being. It really hit home last week. I became slightly ill. Chills. Muscle aches. Immediately, I layered clothes and went to bed. Wearing fleece in the summer normally would be a clue. Sybil made no comments. Did not ask how I was or anything. She, too, became a little under the weather. I found myself trying to care for her and myself. Very depressing. Very depressing. She could not see outside herself to see how I was doing.
No wonder a little positive feedback from a member of the opposite sex made me become infatuated. Now, I am aware enough not to do anything stupid, but the power of negativity. Like a fish not realizing they are in water until they are yanked out of it: jarring.
The demand of the loveless and the self-imprisoned that they should be allowed to blackmail the universe: that till they consent to be happy (on their own terms) no one else shall taste joy: that theirs should be the final power; that Hell should be able to veto Heaven. The Great Divorce. C.S. Lewis
4 comments:
So true. We forget what simple human kindness is after awhile and when we're reintroduced it we can get knocked off our feet. Until we remember back before the cluster b showed up in our lives. Hang in there foolish! There are a lot of us out there having these very same epiphanes.
Thanks! After exploring my feelings, I've realized what it is. I know it will fade.
It's the lack of caring that eats at my soul. It makes the rages and petty arguments all the more soul sucking.
... and remember it all, mark it down assuming you ever take the opportunity to break free. 70% of those I've seen who eventually extricated themselves from a bad dynamic fell into a similar one not long after. Keep taking notes, keep marking the issues, and don't ignore yourself when you read them back later.
Good point, Xavier. Through this ordeal, I've come to realize that I probably need help, too. Between the brainwashing (gaslighting) and my own issues, I'll have to get some therapy.
Since I've come to realize there is really something wrong with Sybil (other than moodiness or that time of the month or I'm all of the problems), this blog has become more of a journal of surviving rather than a journal of my experiences.
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