Really Struggling to Just Maintain Right Now

Going though a major blow up right now.

This morning Sybil was feeling amorous.  She will not use the Pill, will not allow me to get a vasectomy, will not get her "tubes tied", and does not like condoms, I asked her where she was on her cycle (she uses an app to track it).  It was not good timing.  As we have 4 kids and all surprises, my anxiety level went up.  I kind of cut her off.  I was not rude, but I did not want things to get out of hand.  It hurt her feelings.  She started acting passive-aggressive.  I asked her what was up; she told me her feelings were hurt; and I apologized...sincerely.

Flash forward to this evening.  The only kid in the house was the 3yo and he was napping.  I felt that it would be good to spend time with her undisturbed.  Sybil was working in the bedroom.  I asked to change the channel to a football game, she agreed, she continued to work, and I sat in a chair looking at my laptop and watching the game.  An argument has ensued: I did not sit next to her, talk to her (hard to do...she was working), and I didn't even ask if she wanted to watch the game (huh?).  I tried to address these complaints, rationally.  I did not want to engage in JADEing, so I made one comment. Naturally, it went no where.  I left the room.

Sybil followed me to the room I went to so she could continue the "conversation".  I tried to maintain my cool, but it is so hard.  At this point I don't even remember what I said.  I mentioned that I was feeling a tightness in my chest (a couple days prior I had told her that I was having a flutter in my chest).  That's when she said she has issues, too.  She just did not want to tell me (as an aside: it's odd that she brings this up now).  Some other things were said.  I can't remember them.  It seems I go into an amnesia thing.  Anyway, she storms off to the bedroom.  I am so emotional that just sit looking at the TV...not watching it.  I go to the bedroom to find that she has locked the door.  I become so angry that I very briefly contemplate breaking the door down.  I don't.  I unlock it, go in, and get what I need.

I am really feeling like I've hit the end of my rope.  I am tired of the manipulation.  I am tired of the rage whenever her expectations aren't met.  I'm tired.  It is so emotionally draining.  If it weren't for our 3 yo, I'd walk right now.

UPDATE -

Had a major "conversation" last night because Sybil has had her fill of not feeling loved.  She agreed  I did nothing wrong.  In fact, she said I was a "good father and provider", and I'm a "good guy" with "good morals".  Yet, I didn't make her feel like I loved her.  Sadly, old habits die hard, so let the JADEing begin.  I asked why does she think that is?  I pointed out examples of her treatment of me within the last 2 weeks (one of which was in front of our adult children with them saying that she wrong).  Silence.  I know. I know.  She'll never "see the light" and realize she is part of the problem.

Now, I am feeling anger and depression.  Angry because I stuck around for 25 years and have 4 kids with Sybil.  Angry at myself more than anything else.  I feel depression because my choice (and it is my choice) to stay means that this is as good as it gets.

How apropos: Characteristics of Professional Victims

Feeling Like She Cares

Another exciting weekend with Sybil.  She never disappoints.

Three nice episodes of knowing how much she cares.

1. I was feeling a little amorous.  I made my intentions known.  She informs me that she cannot due to "that time of the month".  I say that's ok.  I give her some affection, not expecting anything.  Naturally, Sybil is not one to let a good thing to go to waste.  She states that she has just about given up and thought I would never make a "pass" at her.  I reminded her of the passes I had made within the last 30 days (there were at least 2...I was rebuffed).  Sybil's eyes just glazed over.  Love is grande.

2. Having a discussion about all of the sex scandals.  Son#1 (23), daughter (20), Sybil, and I were having a nice conversation.  Sybil quickly let everyone know she was victim of a sexual assault.  Backstory: this is, technically, true.  It was an old man and she was a teenager.  She was not, actually, raped; he tried to get physical.  Anyway, Sybil's take was that no one should be made to something against their will.  Then brought up ancient times when a daughter was given to the king as payment or reward.  I stated that what if the daughter's lot in life was improved.  Living in a harem may be better than grinding poverty.  Sybil became triggered and started yelling at me.  Surprisingly, the kids came to my defense (even the daughter...she's kind of Sybil's flying monkey).  Son#1 went so far as to say that Sybil would never let me finish my thought.  If she had, she would realize that I was saying pretty much the same thing.  Sybil's eyes glazed over.  No apology was forthcoming.  I just have to suck it up, right?

3. After episode #1, I guess Sybil was feeling guilty.  She makes a small, tentative "advance" to me whilst in bed.  She states she can't do anything.  Then she states that she could do something for me.  A few heartbeats go by...then she says or I just take of myself.  A few more heartbeats go by.  I get up and use the bathroom.  I decide to just leave the room, make coffee, and breakfast.  Of all of the crap that Sybil has pulled, that was the capper.  I can live with the other stuff.  My wife being a "prick tease" takes the cake.

I just know how much I am loved.  Or not loved.