Really Struggling to Just Maintain Right Now

Going though a major blow up right now.

This morning Sybil was feeling amorous.  She will not use the Pill, will not allow me to get a vasectomy, will not get her "tubes tied", and does not like condoms, I asked her where she was on her cycle (she uses an app to track it).  It was not good timing.  As we have 4 kids and all surprises, my anxiety level went up.  I kind of cut her off.  I was not rude, but I did not want things to get out of hand.  It hurt her feelings.  She started acting passive-aggressive.  I asked her what was up; she told me her feelings were hurt; and I apologized...sincerely.

Flash forward to this evening.  The only kid in the house was the 3yo and he was napping.  I felt that it would be good to spend time with her undisturbed.  Sybil was working in the bedroom.  I asked to change the channel to a football game, she agreed, she continued to work, and I sat in a chair looking at my laptop and watching the game.  An argument has ensued: I did not sit next to her, talk to her (hard to do...she was working), and I didn't even ask if she wanted to watch the game (huh?).  I tried to address these complaints, rationally.  I did not want to engage in JADEing, so I made one comment. Naturally, it went no where.  I left the room.

Sybil followed me to the room I went to so she could continue the "conversation".  I tried to maintain my cool, but it is so hard.  At this point I don't even remember what I said.  I mentioned that I was feeling a tightness in my chest (a couple days prior I had told her that I was having a flutter in my chest).  That's when she said she has issues, too.  She just did not want to tell me (as an aside: it's odd that she brings this up now).  Some other things were said.  I can't remember them.  It seems I go into an amnesia thing.  Anyway, she storms off to the bedroom.  I am so emotional that just sit looking at the TV...not watching it.  I go to the bedroom to find that she has locked the door.  I become so angry that I very briefly contemplate breaking the door down.  I don't.  I unlock it, go in, and get what I need.

I am really feeling like I've hit the end of my rope.  I am tired of the manipulation.  I am tired of the rage whenever her expectations aren't met.  I'm tired.  It is so emotionally draining.  If it weren't for our 3 yo, I'd walk right now.

UPDATE -

Had a major "conversation" last night because Sybil has had her fill of not feeling loved.  She agreed  I did nothing wrong.  In fact, she said I was a "good father and provider", and I'm a "good guy" with "good morals".  Yet, I didn't make her feel like I loved her.  Sadly, old habits die hard, so let the JADEing begin.  I asked why does she think that is?  I pointed out examples of her treatment of me within the last 2 weeks (one of which was in front of our adult children with them saying that she wrong).  Silence.  I know. I know.  She'll never "see the light" and realize she is part of the problem.

Now, I am feeling anger and depression.  Angry because I stuck around for 25 years and have 4 kids with Sybil.  Angry at myself more than anything else.  I feel depression because my choice (and it is my choice) to stay means that this is as good as it gets.

How apropos: Characteristics of Professional Victims