So this has been a week from Hell. Sybil has been the same; I am acting differently. I have grown tired of being treated rudely with snarky comments and rude behavior. She talks to me worse than she would talk to anyone else in the world. I am tired of it. I have started calling her out on it. Two episodes this week where she was being rude and snarky to me. Each ended the same way: she stomped off. The first one was the ol' classic "you are making me treat you this way" schtick. When I called her out, she literally said, "I would not treat you this way, if you did not frustrate me". She she stomped off in a huff. No apology, no admission, no cooling off so we could have a real conversation. Nope. Just left me there. On the second one, she simply looked through me spun around and stomped off to another room. Again, no admission of guilt...I mean I made her do it by "frustrating her".
I just do not think I care anymore. I am too tired of it. Last night I did instigate an argument because I just am over it. I have too much anger and resentment. See, I understand we are human and we make mistakes. I understand people can be frustrated and act out. I have no beef with that. What I am angry about is the total lack of respect Sybil has for me. I brought this up to her as to why I am angry and hurt. Her response? I do the same things. On the surface that is a true statement. I have had a "tone" or used the wrong words in moments of frustration. The difference is I tend to own it and try to deescalate the situation. Sybil? Nope. It ALWAYS someone else's fault.
The funny thing is during the argument Sybil kept saying "I can't do this anymore." Meaning she can't continue fighting. With the exception of last night and a very few other times, I do not create and extend the arguments. Last night? Yeah, I was upset. I wanted to argue. I wanted to revel in the anger. Feast on the pain.
I grow tired of living with this emotionally stunted "adult". There is no resolution to any of this and there never will be. Sybil lacks the capacity to see me for anything other than an object. Something that has utility to her. Whenever she decides I am no longer useful, I am sure that she will cast me aside.
The demand of the loveless and the self-imprisoned that they should be allowed to blackmail the universe: that till they consent to be happy (on their own terms) no one else shall taste joy: that theirs should be the final power; that Hell should be able to veto Heaven. The Great Divorce. C.S. Lewis
2 comments:
Life tangled up with a PD is nothing short of crazy making. The Non is literally "damned if you do, damned if you don't ", in every situation. The PD feels perfectly entitled to abuse the Non, without any regard at all to the Non's feelings. In the PD's head, they are the victim so it is all completely justified (plus no doubt the Valentine's holiday making things especially trying and turbulent during this particular period). And there is no getting through to them otherwise. It really is a hopeless situation. All you can do is keep working on those boundaries within the relationship, as you continue to concentrate on yourself and your own self care. Disengage with her and step out of the crazy in order to breeze the fresh air. It'll suck you under otherwise.
Thanks. Yes, it will definitely suck me under. I guess my hang up is why suck the joy out of life? It is like joy is a bad word. Everything is ugly, twisted. I guess that is a reflection of their soul? I don't mean in a psychotic way, but a truly negative way. There is no positive side to anything. Of course, one is "damned if you do; damned if you don't". Planning an event sucks because there is no spontaneity. There is only nit-picking.
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