The demand of the loveless and the self-imprisoned that they should be allowed to blackmail the universe: that till they consent to be happy (on their own terms) no one else shall taste joy: that theirs should be the final power; that Hell should be able to veto Heaven. The Great Divorce. C.S. Lewis
Saturday, April 28, 2018
Do you know what 'Nemesis' means?
Do you know what "nemesis" means? A righteous infliction of retribution manifested by an appropriate agent."
I have come to the conclusion that Sybil is my punishment because of my past hubris. I was "intemperate" in my youth. While not necessarily thought of myself above everyone else, I did have a bit of a superiority contest. God has sent Sybil to me bring me down. In the coming week, I will attempt to quantify the negative vs. positive feedback I get. Negative will be anything from controlling my behavior (trying to parent me) to outright lashing out. Positive will be a touch or a word that is...well...positive. It will be interesting to see what the results are.
On another note, I have come to the realization that I was "groomed" to be in this situation. Growing up with my mother was not easy. In a weird Freudian sense, I blame her for a lot of my issues today. Lots of "whuppin's" and crass, crude comments. As a young child of 4, I had to learn to take care of myself. As the years rolled by, I was yelled at and to some degree neglected. Since I've started to come out of the FOG, I've realized how much I endured. Does a fish know it's in water kind of a thing.
Anyway, I may become a bit more introspective in addition to documenting Sybil. I need to ask the question of "how did I get here?" and "what now?"
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2 comments:
Are you also going to catalog the positive and negative feedback you are giving to Sybil? It might be interesting for you to see if there is any cause and effect.
Anon-
It might be interesting. I made a commitment to try to say something positive to her everyday. Rarely do I ever say anything negative or critical because her emotional fragility cannot accept it. Look, I hate criticism, too. I do try to listen to the criticism and decide if it is justified. The problem I have is constant criticism with nothing positive to add.
To answer, I probably won't be keeping score on myself for the simple fact of the genesis of this blog: venting my spleen. I have documented years of dysfunctionality here. I know my main flaw: codependency. I do and say nice things to Sybil on a daily basis. At the worst, I simply do not say anything at all.
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