As I approach the magical age of 50, I look back and would like to just kick my ass. I have reached the age where I'm looking backwards more than I'm looking forwards. So many decisions led to me to this point in my life. There were opportunities for a deep, loving relationship that I pissed away for one reason or another. I am left with my time with Sybil which seems to have been marked by constant strife with intermittent moments of happiness. When things are going well, she seems to find a way to ruin it. Naturally, it is never her fault.
Therefore, I really have no one to blame for this continual hell that is our marriage. We have strife punctuated my moments of happiness. Anyway, I am working on myself to get through the darkness. I am working to create a firewall for my heart to keep her out. Sadness grips me as I type this. She is my wife; I am not supposed to feel this way. Alas, I do not plan on leaving. If she left, I would not be heart broken.