Self-Awareness

Sybil came in possession of Coping with Difficult People by Robert M. Bramson, PhD.  It was written in 1981.  I have not started reading it, yet.  I am curious how it relates to other books I have read on that topic.

Sybil's "gift" has gotten me thinking about why she chose me to give that gift to?  Does she, on some level, know how difficult she is?  Does she realize how her treatment of me makes living with her a living hell?  Is she self-aware?  If the answer to any one of those questions is "yes", then that would make her evil.  To consciously continue acting the way she does and the treatment of me (and others) can only mean that she is diabolical and should be avoided.

On some of the forums, someone will post a question about whether or not the PD person is aware of how they are acting on some level.  I am no psychologist, but if they are aware, then they are evil.  That means their actions and treatment are, to some extent, planned.  Now, we all make mistakes.  This morning I was gathering towels in preparation of Daughter doing laundry.  Sybil had not finished using hers.  I did not know this and did not ask.  Since Sybil has strong OCPD tendencies with a heavy dose of NPD, she saw this as me just really caring about her.  My, mistakenly, gathering the towels was an evil act...in her mind.  She knows it was a mistake but her OCPD will not allow her to see it that way; it must have been a deliberate act.  I, purposefully, gathered the towels before she finished using hers because I do not love her.

Evil?

Anyway, in truth I do not think Sybil realizes how difficult she is to live with.  She gave me this book because my mother is difficult.  She was hoping I can learn how to cope with her.  I have: I moved across the state.  I may have to do that with Sybil.  Sybil cannot see the log her own eye but angrily points out the dust mote in mine.

Triggered

We need a minesweeper. There's too many triggers under the surface.

Well, I struggle to find time to do videos.  It is still something that I am noodling about.  For now, y'all will have to content yourself with the written word.  Personally, I like that better than a video anyway, but I'm a Gen Xer.

Beware...rambling post as I unpack stuff.

Triggers.

We've all got 'em, I guess.  Per PyschCentral an emotional trigger is:

A trigger is something that sets off a memory tape or flashback transporting the person back to the event of her/his original trauma.

 I think that most of us have past traumas that never really healed.  For Sybil, her reaction to a trigger is the fault of the "offender" instead of realizing that, maybe, the other person did not mean to set her off.  Exhausting having to dodge mines that laying under the surface.  Naturally, this creates a daily drama.

I have slacked off on posting.  Not because the drama is less but because it wearisome.  Plus, I'm not sure how many want to read it.  We don't make any progress.  I find myself stuck in the same rut because I have end up saying the same things just so I can escape the conversation and get on with my life.  Literally, could post something everyday.  It is rare that a day goes by without some sort of manufactured drama.

I will say that anytime a person says that they are emotional and wear their emotions on their sleeve: run!  That is an indicator that their emotions control them rather that vice-versa.  A normal, mature person realizes that and takes that into account.  A child blames their emotional acting out on the person doing the triggering.

The fun begins when the conversation goes down a dark rabbit hole because the triggered cannot let it go.  When I explain (I am really trying to limit JADEing...I really am) why I said what I did, it does not good.  Sybil must keep going.  We have to dissect the simplest conversation until I am just trying to say the right words to escape not the just the conversation but also the room.

This is life with the disordered.  I am like a police negotiator trying to talk the jumper off the ledge.  All because Sybil becomes very triggered if she believes that she has been ignored, or marginalized.

Anyway, triggers.  Great fun.

Is this the way couples are?  Are they mired in this slog?  Are issues and slights never resolved?  Is the job of one to always try to correct the other?  Criticize?  I don't know anymore.  I am starting to believe I am that hostage that starts to empathize with his captors.

I try to NOT to put Sybil on a Profit/Loss sheet.  I try not make a listing of her good points and bad; I know that if I do, it will not end well.