Friday, February 01, 2008

The Hate Post

My first intention was write a post about my failings. I'll spare you, gentle reader, from being able to poke at me. Instead, I want to write about something Digger said in one his posts. He posted about the author, Schnarch, and his writing about relationships. One of the things mentioned was how spouses can start to hate each other. This hate is not, necessarily, a bad thing. Many tend to believe that the opposite of love is not hate but apathy. If hate exists, then maybe something positive can arise. Working on changing negative feelings to positive, that kind of thing.

That thought struck home with me. It has rattled around inside that empty space that my hat rests upon. I have pondered that idea a lot. I came to the conclusion that I may hate Sybil. There I wrote it. I hate writing it. Oops, I wrote it again.

We don't like to think we hate the one we are supposed to love. We are not supposed to hate them. However, what other word can be used, when I dread having to spend time with them? I dread knowing that so much time and energy will spent on petty bickering and fighting. That is how I feel right now. Whenever Sybil and I spend any time together, it invariably leads to her constantly pointing out all of my failings or some little slip will trigger not annoyance but rage (yesterday I forgot to check for any text message from her). Kind of coaching from the easy chair. Never been in the game. It's kind of hard to take that. I have pointed out that giving instructions from the sidelines is not the same things as actually doing it. Mentioned on more than one occasion. Doesn't seem to help.

The possibility of hating my spouse goes against what I believed to be the natural order of things. That is the real conundrum. I'm not saying that I believe in fairy tales with everyone living happily ever after. I do believe that one should love one's spouse, period. Sadly, for the past few years, I have started to dislike Sybil. Maybe even hate. Although it isn't fair to her since I haven't spoken of it to her, I am afraid that opening that Pandora's Box will lead to a lot more pain than any happiness. Somehow I have lost that deep emotional connection to Sybil.

Communication may be important, but it doesn't always work. I am wanting Sybil to make some pretty fundamental changes in her personality. I would resent someone asking that of me (actually, I do resent Sybil). I have tried to be patient with others, because I feel that I am a deeply flawed individual. Yet, I feel that I do not get the same treatment from my wife. Communicating the problem will not solve it. I have talked to her, with her, and at her at length. She will not bend.

I realize that she has issues with me, and I am not the easiest person in the world to live with. I was planning to do a post about my failings. This post had to come out. I'm not sure if any good will come of it. May be some things should be left in the dark closet.

9 comments:

Anonymous said...

As bad as you think it may be - maybe it was a good thing to let it out here - sometimes we just have to release it.

Bunny said...

I know exactly what you mean. I do, however, believe that the opposite of love is apathy. The day I just don't give a hoot about Spousehole is the day it is really, truly over. Perhaps as long as we have enough passion to loathe them and their behavior as we do (and, in my marriage the loathing is returned, in spades), there is still a chance that passion could return to love.

Trueself said...

I also believe that apathy is the opposite of love. I have that apathy towards W. It was, from a certain perspective, easy to explain to W that I want to end the marriage because I don't hate him, I don't wish him ill, I just don't care about him anymore.

I think it is good, and probably important, that you posted this. It is very important that we acknowledge and face our truths rather than trying to deny them or ignore them.

Digger Jones said...

You claim to have lost the deep emotional connection to sybil. But you haven't. Paradoxically, the more you dislike her, the tighter your connection. The more she nags, the tighter the connection. The more you hate; the tighter your emotional connection. You're presently in gridlock, which is an awful place to be, because you each make power plays and push each other's buttons.

But there is hope. Basically at some point, you'll get tired of being pushed. You'll get to the point where you'll say those hurtful things, not to hurt her but because you have to be true to yourself and let the chips fall where they may. Then you'll be on your way to real growth. It'll be painful but you're in a lot of pain now!

Hang tough! The tougher things are, the more ripe the opportunities. Another paradox.

D.

Sai Hijara - Ferraris said...

Honestly I never consider HATE as something totally negative...it may get you to self-destruct at worst yet...as far as relationship is concern...IMO, as long as there is that, there is love/ care...or what will trigger that?! I begin to panic when I become indifferent...for me that is the opposite of LOVE...you simply don't care at all....but then, that is just my opinion...

I'm saying these things because I have this love-hate relationship with my bf at times.

Have a nice week!

FTN said...

It sounds nice and philosophical to talk about how we are so closely emotionally fused to anyone we might hate, showing a tight emotional connection. Yet some people seem to really hate people they've never even met! Look at how strongly people react to politics.

I'm not sure where the line is between "hate" and "strongly dislike." But there are some people in life that I probably "strongly dislike" only because they really, really annoy me. It's not so much that I'm emotionally fused with them, they just do things that annoy me!

Granted, I'll admit that if I was married to those people, it would make life a lot more difficult!

I'm looking forward to this "failings" post of yours. You write a lot about your shortcomings and how hard you are to live with, but you are generally pretty vague when it comes down to it. The "problems" you've written about yourself that I've seen have all been pretty tiny things, so I'm hoping for some real dirt. :-)

aphron said...

c-marie:
First of all, would you email your link? I lost it somewhere and only have your old site. Anyway, catharsis is always beneficial. I'm not sure how long the benefit will last.

bunny-
Apathy is definitely the opposite of love. When we no longer have that emotional bond, either good or bad, we no longer are attached. It's true that, if I ever become apathetic towards Sybil, then it's over.

trueself-
Facing our dark sides is difficult. No one likes to see their self in a negative light. The first step in problem solving is identifying the problem.

digger jones-
You win the prize. That comment was dead on. We are constantly pushing each other's buttons. For me, getting beyond the gridlock may have unintended consequences.

mariposa-
If we spend enough time with any one person, we will develop a love/hate relationship with that person. I do not like to admit this is the case with my spouse.

ftn-
The failings post is coming. It may not be the bombshell one expects. I'm a pretty boring person.

Anonymous said...

"Hate" is often lumped together to describe a great many things, none of which are connected.

For example "hate crimes" Well, that is not a "bonding" kind of hate. But I think our (society) is just generally lazy in finding proper context for things and thus many things (like ftn mentions, "hating" people that somebody has never met), just get lumped together and creates the sort of confusion in the meaning.

The "flavor" of hate that digger is speaking of is quite different. It is the type of "hate" you see in a movie like "When Harry Met Sally" or "You've got mail." Where the "hate" is the stirring of emotions.

Without trying to put words in your mouth, let me try and use you and Sybil as an example (I am not saying I am exactly right, but just for arguments sake, just follow). You don't hate Sybil. You hate the fact that she says and does things that get you upset. You hate the fact that she doesn't allow you to feel and treat her the way you think you should because she does these things that stir unpleasant and angry emotions in you, and you (here it comes) hate the fact that she does this to you.

That... is a connection. Now when you get to the point of "what the fuck ever... who cares... she is just a crazy bitch" That is apaty! And THERE the connection is gone.

meagan_ellise said...

I have read a lot of your posts and notice that one of the main reasons you do not leave Sybil is because of the potential damage it may cause your children. Have you ever thought that maybe all the incessant fighting is doing just as much harm as a divorce would? The children have to be able to feel the tension in the house and understand that there are big problems between you and Sybil. I grew up in a household where my father and mother fought incessantly. I cannot remember a single day when there was not sniping and arguing. My father stayed with my mother because of my sister and I. My parents were seperated when my mother found out she was pregnant with my sister and me. He was and is a wonderful father, but it breaks my heart to see how unhappy he is. I believe that he feels he cannot leave because they have been together so long (30 years).The longer you stay with Sybil, the longer you will be unhappy and the harder it will be to leave her.