Well friends and neighbors, Sybil and I seem to be going downhill fast. Thursday saw another fight. It seemed to be building from the previous ones this week. The same stuff rehashed. A new twist was introduced: I am not engaged in our conversations. Funny thing though, I was able to recount three times as many conversation subjects that took place the night before than Sybil. Who's engaged? I believe it has come down to her finding things to fight about. Minor irritations that occur when two people live together take on a larger than life roll.
These mole-hill sized mountains are nothing new. We have been dealing with this throughout our marriage. However, I am so tired of fending off this person, who is my wife. Broaching the subject with Sybil does little good. Being the Type A person she is, Sybil feels that confronting all of the little things that happen will mean the big things are taken care of. Being the Type B person that I am, I say that leaves everyone raw and too emotionally spent to care about them.
This Thursday may have been a turning point for me. I quite nearly walked. After spending all morning trying to show love and appreciation to her, Sybil decides to criticize everything from my driving to how I carry on my conversations. If I have less to say than she expects, I don't care about her. I am so tired of being the villain. My self-esteem has started to be affected.
In an earlier post I mentioned that Sybil has a "slash and burn style" of arguing. I do not. I want to come to a consensus. She wants only to pummel me into the ground and win at any cost. If things progress, Sybil may win the battles but lose the war, ultimately.
Why didn't I leave? The cost, right now, is too great. The potential damage done to my kids, financial ruin, etc. is too much to bear. For now. As things continue, that might change. I want to love Sybil. How can I? How can I love someone who is critical of everything I say and do?
The demand of the loveless and the self-imprisoned that they should be allowed to blackmail the universe: that till they consent to be happy (on their own terms) no one else shall taste joy: that theirs should be the final power; that Hell should be able to veto Heaven. The Great Divorce. C.S. Lewis
8 comments:
My heart goes out for you Aphron, such difficult times. I know difficult times, us bloggers are here to support you and listen.
I understand all too well. I did make the decision to leave an unhappy marriage, because I felt that we both deserved better. It has caused so much emotional upheval and financial ruin on both parts that there are times when I wonder if it was worth it.
But whenever I think about all the stress and trama divorce has caused, and then I look at my own personal growth and happiness, I am reminded that, yes, indeed, it was worth it.
Best of luck to you... I know how hard it is to be tettering on the edge.
MZ
You know....it's interesting how we get to these places in our life....It's like we wake up one day and say ""What the hell""??
Focus on the kids....they can bring you joy....when you need it!!!
Cheers to better days!!!
All-
Thanks for the comments and support. Currently, things are going very well. I guess that's why she has the nickname of Sybil. This past weekend was a great weekend.
Basically, I think it boils down to spending too much time together. For awhile I had developed some outside interests. I need to recultivate those interests. Sybil thinks spending every possible moment together makes for a great marriage (her parents did it). Personally, I think little irritations become huge upheavals.
There is nothing worse than an argument that there is no way of winning. Talk too little, you don't "care", talk to much and you are being "argumentative."
Give in, you are uncaring, suggest ways things need to change, and you are invalidating her feelings.
I know it all to well, and hope you can find the key to unlock the "good Sybil" permanently.
How would you feel about going camping by yourself for a few days? Tell her in some moment that you are not fighting that you ARE going away for a few days to think about your marriage. Then don't answer you cell and just go for a couple of days. Perhaps this would jar her into seeing how serious the issues are? And it would have the added benefit of you having some personal time... maybe?
Whatever happens you are not alone....
It's really a difficult decision in the days leading up to it...
But once you finally do make it, things tend to fall into place.
Wishing you the very best.
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