Saturday, July 15, 2006

Bruised

Well, it seems I was right to be worried. When we last left Aphron and Sybil, Sybil had just abruptly ended an arguement. Something totally out of character for her. For her arguements are similar to what occurred in Mogadishu with me being the Rangers trying to get out of it. Anyway, Sybil stopped wearing her ring immediately afterwards. Since we were painting Son#2's room, I thought she took it off as not to get paint on it. Wrong. She stopped wearing it because of me.

It would seem we (or I) have some deep issues that have boiling under the surface. It mainly deals with me not respecting her or her wishes. The main issue that was brought up was Las Vegas. Since we were in Vegas sans kids, I thought (expected?) wild, woolly, fun VACATION SEX (thanks FTN). The only sex that was going on was plain, saltine cracker variety the one time we engaged in it. By the third day, I was a little disappointed. That was the day I suggested some shower time fun. Sybil resisted because it was a hotel shower with no seat or anything (I haven't figured that one out). I persisted and she relented to showering together. There was not any sex and barely any foreplay. I became frustrated and angry. Boring run of the mill sex I can understand at home, but on the road without kids in a large hotel room? We had a few words. Sybil became hurt and angry that I would not respect her needs. She fears catching some disease or illness from uncleanliness. I might can understand a little of it, yet we had sex on the bed without stirring her issues. In my mind, a hotel bed is probably worse than a hotel shower. Also, Sybil mentioned my penchant for wanting sex after she has had a shower in the morning. Well, don't traipse around our bedroom naked, and I won't become aroused. Also, if that really bothered you, why do you allow me to do it? Why allow me to think it was ok until now?

Anyway, we had a running arguement that lasted three days. It was centered around my lack of respect for Sybil and her issues. For three days she would not wear her ring. On that third day, I was about ready to throw it and mine away. Then as if after a summer time storm, the wind and rain calmed. Sybil, is that you? Last night she was cuddly and affectionate. To recap, we went from, what I thought was divorce, to a loving couple in 36 hours. I'm still trying to wrap my mind around it.

I guess from now on, I won't instigate things. If I have to do all of the work anyway, why should I have to be the one to get things started? If my timing is that bad or if my lack of respect for her issues is that bad, then why wouldn't I stop trying all together? Right now, I feel very withdrawn...bruised.

15 comments:

Anonymous said...

Sounds familiar.

Don't expect me to initiate if you're going to make me feel like a criminal.

Sadly, the average woman seems to view sex as an obligation, not something enjoyable. Why else is it constantly up to the man to initiate...and then be judge based on her whim of the moment?!

To hell with that.

aphron said...

passionate man-
Typical Catch 22: they want us to desire them, yet they want it ONLY on their terms. It is a means of control. Sybil has a flair for being a control freak.

Anonymous said...

Not the average woman, just some woman. Your wife has issues serious issues that aren't ever going to change. So what if you have sex after a shower, that's the best time in my opinion. I know a woman who once she takes her bath at night, forget sex. I purposely take my bath to smell good for my husband when we do have sex. He knows wife in bath at night means sex at bedtime. If taking off her ring is that easy than she wants everything her way. That is not how it works in a good marriage. I'm sorry she doesn't respect YOU.

Confused Husband said...

Isn't this the same sybil that a few weeks ago got mad at you for not showering before sex? She was mad because a few hours before sex you went to the bathroom. It is a huge control and respect issue. She has all the control and none of the respect.
CH

aphron said...

good wife-
Sybil has issues because of HPV. She is REALLY afraid of getting cancer from it. It is to the point of paranoia. I'm working on dealing with it. It's not just that. She is just plain afraid.

CH-
That's my Sybil. It's like being married to a different person everyday.

Satan said...

I can't believe I'm about to say this but . . counseling?
She needs to have someone hold her accountable for being crazy as a fox. I would feel bruised, too. This smacks of some sort of abuse.

aphron said...

satan-
I've offered counseling. As a couple or myself alone. Sybil will not hear of it. Nope. Her reactions are totally justified, to her. At first I thought I was too emotionally detached or something. I didn't see the need to get THIS wound up. As time marches on, she will not see how she overreacts to every situation. Becomes a point of honor or something. Unfortunately, she can be amazingly spiteful.

Anonymous said...

What is with taking off her ring? Does she do that often? Is that supposed to be some sort of threat? That's very passive aggressive.

I agree with hotel shower vs. hotel bed argument. The bed is probably more disgusting than the shower. It's not like you wanted to do it on the floor. Then she'd have a case.

aphron said...

whoami929
The ring thing is a test to see, if I noticed. She's done it once before. Sybil has a tough time letting things go.

JessiferSeabs said...

I don't think you need to ask permission to go to counseling yourself. Not to say that YOU are necessarily the one who NEEDS counseling, but sometimes it is good to get a little perspective from an outsider, also a counselor would be able to give you some tools to help when you guys argue or are not getting along.

I've started seeing a therapist recently, not because of any deep issues I have, but just to help me learn some coping mechanisms and stragies for how to deal with certain people / situations in my life.

I'm a big fan of counseling. I think it's always a good idea.

Best of luck to you. To me, taking off the ring is pretty childish and hurtful. The ring should be a symbol of your union. To toss it off when things are rough seems careless and uncaring.

aphron said...

jessiferseabs-
Counseling thing may have to happen. I don't know, yet.
Yep. Taking off the ring seems all to easy.

FTN said...

Yeah, I'd say don't OFFER counselling. Insist upon it with or without her.

If she's truly justified in all of her actions, then a good counselor could point that out to you, right? ;-)

aphron said...

ftn-
Right. I think that's what I desire is a "referee." I know I have my faults. It seems that we tend to fight over little things with the same intensity as the big stuff.

JessiferSeabs said...

A referee, and also somebody just to teach you tactics and tools to use. For example, my boyfriend and I (we actually came up with this one on our own, without the help of a therapist), have a word that we use that whenever either one of us is pointlessly being an asshole for no other reason than to just be an asshole, we say this word, and it kinda snaps us out of the moment and makes us realize to lighten up. The word is sort of a symbol, if you will, and it represents, "Hey, you're being an asshole for absolutely no valid reason, we're just arguing for the sake of arguing, let's not do that." But it's a lot easier to say "rootabaga" or whatever rather than that whole mouthful.

Those are the kinds of tools I'm talking about.

Facets of V said...

lol counseling helps people because they want help, I don't believe Sybil thinks there is anything needing help! If somehow you got her there I doubt she would hear anything but what she wanted to hear amyway. Go for yourself.