Had a good one this weekend with Sybil. For some reason it's always the weekends. Anyway, it all started with Son #2's friend sleeping over.
First, a little background: Son#2's friend is, shall we say, high strung. One time while sleeping over, he refused to eat pancakes because we had the wrong syrup. He doesn't play well with others. Once he gets focused on something, he will not change course without a major blow-up.
Saturday night we had some friends over to hang out, watch football, and eat dinner. We had checked with this friend to see what he wanted for dinner. The first thing he said was "mushroom pizza from _____." This is very telling because he names the pizzeria and will accept no pizza from anywhere else. Since no one else wanted pizza, we asked if spaghetti with marinara sauce would be ok. Yes, that was acceptable. We placed the order (no food in the house, of course), and Sybil went to get it. When Sybil returned and we called everyone to dinner, this friend was told that we had gotten spaghetti for him. He walked off saying he wasn't hungry. He was not impolite nor did he pitch a fit. I tried to talk to him and explained that he said spaghetti would be ok. He refused to join us for dinner and stayed in basement away from everyone.
When I rejoined the group, our other guests were surprised by the reaction and were making comments about eating what was served, strangeness of the boy, etc. I made two comments: "when I was growing up, I was given a two choices: eat what was prepared or fix it myself," and "he is a little high strung." Now, Son#1 (who is 12) was there. He was making comments before and after I made these two comments along with the other people. Sybil did not like my comments. She, nicely, asked me to stop making those type of statements. I did not feel that I had done anything wrong and became a little loud in my defense. This only exacerbated the situation further. Sybil called me aside to talk to me. Long story short (too late, right?): we did not agree.
Fast forward to last night. Sybil needs closure on this incident and brings it up again. I, again, say that what I said was not all that bad. She maintains that it was not a good influence on our son. She adds that I only reinforced his bad behavior. I still maintain that what I did was nothing more than vent some frustration. We did not reach an agreement. Sybil thinks I am insensitive and was not a good role model in this instance. I think I made two small, innocuous comments.
Oh, the child in question got to eat his pizza. However, I'm still in the doghouse.
The demand of the loveless and the self-imprisoned that they should be allowed to blackmail the universe: that till they consent to be happy (on their own terms) no one else shall taste joy: that theirs should be the final power; that Hell should be able to veto Heaven. The Great Divorce. C.S. Lewis
11 comments:
I see absolutely nothing wrong with how you handled it or with what you said.
I grew up the same way and raise my kids the same. "If you don't like what's on the table you can go hungry or make a PB&J."
CH
Wow, you got in trouble for that?!?
Geez, if I got on W for things that small we would be at each other 100% of the time, as opposed to the 97.4% of the time we currently spend in conflict.
Hmm. . .you're in the doghouse for that? Wow.
confused husband-
Sybil was not raised in a house where that attitude prevailed. Her mother would have cooked different meals for different kids.
trueself-
I didn't help the situation by letting my emotions get the better of me. I was already frustrated by the kid, and her comments just pushed me over the edge. There is no such thing as bottling it up. Sybil doesn't let things slide...EVER.
elise-
Well, if not for that, then something else. I'm trying not to let it get to me. It's a daunting task.
Sounds like the kid has asperger syndrome.
From some of your recent posts about people catering to kids, I can see how you might have a difference of opinion on how this kid seems to have been raised!
Regardless of whether you said something you shouldn't have (I don't really know, I wasn't there), she should at least wait until later when the friends are gone to talk to you about it. No one likes to have a marriage squabble in front of friends.
deb-
I don't know. I cant' remember, off hand, what that entails.
ftn-
To Sybil's credit, she didn't yell at me in front of everyone, so she has improved there. It would have been nice for to have broached the subject after things were quieted down, so I'm less frustrated.
Asperger's is the highest functioning disorder on the autism spectrum. Autism, in all it's forms, is a neurodevelomental disorder hallmarked by social difficulties, communication problems, difficulty switching tasks, unusally reactions to sensory information (like food tasts and textures) etc.
http://www.udel.edu/bkirby/asperger/aswhatisit.html
A few things you said really indicate there's something going on there. But because these kids have good language skills and normal to above average intelligence, they aren't usually identified as "autistic" per se and can be well into grade school or middle school (or sometimes adulthood) before they are identified. I mean because if the kid is that big of a pain in the butt for you as a guest, he's probably a big pain in the butt for the teachers and if he's not classified, he probably will be at some point. Or not. LOL - I mean I don't know but it sounds very familiar to me, enough to make me come out of lurk mode. :)
I speak from the personal, practially daily experience - that SPAGHETTI thing you describe - very frustrating, and very Aspergery.
I'm not getting in the middle of your marriage thing or trying to defend the wife, but is it possbile she knows something about the kid that you don't? Like maybe she knows from the kids mom but asked her not to make a big deal about the kids quirks?
LOL. Sorry. Back to lurk mode.
Not that I could diagnose it from this distance, but I do not think Asperger's is the case, because while certainly not as obvious as Autism, it is still obvious.
Now as for the comments, I (for a change) probably fall on Sybil's side of this argument. No, I would not have made special arrangements for him. However, I agree with Sybil that a parent passing comments in that situation only helps reinforce that it is ok to judge, comment or make fun of (hey kids things take things to the extreme) somebody because they are different, and while your comments may certainly have been innocuous to you, they were very telling to tweens.
deb-
I don't know.
joe flirt-
I agree. Were my comments THAT out of line?
Post a Comment