Well, Sybil is living up to her name. It was only Sunday night that she was "done." She was tired of living with me. She couldn't take it anymore.
Flash forward to Tuesday morning and she asks, "Why didn't you try anything last night?"
WTF!!!
One minute she's "done" and the next she's disappointed because I'm not trying to get into her pants. I can think of lots of reasons but it boils down to frustration of living with her. She's either hot or cold: one extreme or another. There is no middle of the road.
It's getting to the point of I'd rather look at porn and beat off. Sad.
The demand of the loveless and the self-imprisoned that they should be allowed to blackmail the universe: that till they consent to be happy (on their own terms) no one else shall taste joy: that theirs should be the final power; that Hell should be able to veto Heaven. The Great Divorce. C.S. Lewis
8 comments:
So, is now a good time to say, "I told you so"?
(And in case you forgot, in comments from your last post I said: On a side note, usually a person who is "done" stops talking about being "done" So just keep that in the back of your head. )
Well, on just the information in your blog, I suspect there are a couple of things going on.
The first is that possibly there is some genuine issue with how well you listen to her. I think listening is a real skill. It doesn't come naturally to anyone. I am quite verbal and I find I have to work quite hard to become and stay a good listener.
Secondly, your accounts of Sybil remind me of John Gottman (the marriage writer's) analysis of "harsh start up", particularly by women. Essentially, he finds that, with many married couples, both are in the habit of issues in the relationship (often genuine issues) being raised by the woman. But women can be prone to "harsh start up" with these discussions (eg, loud voice, angry tone, tears, yelling "you NEVER do this, "you ALWAYS do this" etc etc) which means they alienate the man right at the beginning so he tunes her out and the issues aren't resolved and the couple gets into chronic conflict/tune-out.
Also, I think there can be real issues of just temperament. In my experience, people with bad tempers totally underestimate their impact on the rest of us. They rage and storm and say terrible things, then they are surprised that we take it "so personally". They see themselves as just having let off steam and are surprised to find that we take what they say to heart.
Another possibility is that Sybil really does have some kind of serious emotional issues, possibly coinciding with her menstrual cycle (some women have really serious issues with this, and probably most of us have some form of PMS at times) and possibly even bipolar.
I'm not sure its such a great idea to assume that when someone is really "done" they will say nothing. I take Joe's point, but people often say that kind of thing about suicides as well, of the "people who are really going to do it don't tell everyone" type, when in fact genuine suicides are usually preceded by several attempts often dismissed as attention-seeking drama-queen behaviour.
If my partner was truly talking about being "done", I would take it seriously. There needs to at least be some serious discussion between you bout the issues- both her issues with you and yours with her. A counsellor may help, but if she is unwilling to do that, all you can really do is try to make a start one-to-one or perhaps find a trusted friend, minister or family member to help.
ps There is a semi-decent summary of Gottman's ideas on harsh start-up and possible solutions at:
http://www.extension.psu.edu/workforce/Briefs/MarriageSuccessADULT.pdf
This is quite a bit different from my usual sugggestions, but from what I've read over the past year or so, it seems to me like you need to be seriously harsh with her.
By that, I don't mean yelling at her. You two obviously have more than enough screaming arguments about very silly little things. I mean, when she starts yelling, you need to tell her in a serious, firm tone that she CANNOT and WILL NOT speak to you that way. It is completely unacceptable, and you won't even be a part of a conversation that is going to involve her yelling at you about completely ridiculous things. Walk away, and say that when she's ready to converse like adults, she can come and get you.
Well, you know, I suggest that in addition to the counseling. :-)
I think FTN is on to something there. I'm sure, in the short term, it will make things even more unpleasant when you refuse to deal with Sybil on her level. However, I think it's the only shot you've got at getting her to change her ways. She's in a pattern, and the only way to change that pattern is to disrupt it in a decisive way.
Just my 2 cents, and probably not worth even that.
Well, I have done something along those lines myself. My Big Dude has a very quick temper and starts yelling at the slightest thing.
I've told him that as soon as he starts yelling or being rude to me, I can't listen to what he's saying. But I would be happy to come back later when he has calmed down to listen to anything he has to say to me in a decent way.
He doesn't like it at all. He still yells occasionally. But a lot less and at least he doesn't expect me to stand there listening to him and magically planning to improve myself while he is being a dork.
I think it helps that that is a long-standing rule I told him about BEFORE one of those yelling sessions and that I really do come back to listen to him later. At least half the time, he admits it was a minor thing that he has already forgotten about.
all-
Very good points by everyone. Emily's "harsh start up" is apropos. I think that is a real issue we have. Sadly. Sybil doesn't see her mannerisms as a problem. The way she starts the conversation makes me feel attacked, and I become defensive. I'm resolving to better control myself and not let her act that way, if I can.
FWIW, Aphron, the 'just say no' strategy strikes me as a good one. Just refuse to engage until she can be rational.
Until a few years ago, I had some, uh, issues with my temper. And they really didn't get dealt with effectively until Molly refused to accept it from me anymore. Once she made it clear that my ranting was destructive of our relationship (and, more to her point, to our kids), and that she wasn't going to engage it with me anymore, I had to start exercising a little self-control. And it really did change fairly quickly - much quicker than I'd have thought, given how habitual it was (and, no, I didn't really see what I was doing wrong, either). So, if I started ranting, Molly would gently tell me, "You're ranting - get control." And if I didn't, she'd walk away. If I followed her, she'd turn and say, "I'm not going to engage this with you until you get control of yourself; please leave me alone." She called it 'Stop, Drop, and Roll', after what the fire chief taught our kids to do if their clothing caught fire. And, I'm here to tell you, it got my attention.
Again, FWIW. . .
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