To answer elise, therese in heaven, and trueself I decided to answer their comments in a post rather than a comment.
A lot of our arguments are centered around Sybil feeling that I am not listening to her. In fairness, I try using the best of my abilities to focus on what she is saying. There are times where I fail. Do we listen to our spouses 100% of the time? I doubt it. Unfortunately, Sybil doesn't see it as a human failing, nor that I have and want to improve. She sees it as a form of an attack. When the tables are turned and she fails to listen to what I am saying, I do not press the attack. I do not make it into a federal case. Is the point of a marriage to live with someone and try to have peace and harmony, or is a marriage to constantly bicker over little things? If the point is constantly fighting over whether or not I ceded her point about listening to Son #1 about the lunch plans or talking with her, then Sybil and I are doomed.
The reason the last two arguments escalated into a full battle was my lack of seeing her point of view. Of course, Sybil had no intention of seeing my point of view. Instead, she chose to assume that my explanation for my actions was some sort of an attack and become angry. As I continued to try to explain my position, she became more enraged. In each instance, the thing that set her off was the feeling of not being heard. I did hear her and was even able to repeat back what she had said. It wasn't that I didn't think she had a point. However, the point was lost in the yelling. If one is in a restaurant and the server is afraid to come to the table to take the order because one is having a melt down, one might want to reconsider how one approaches the situation.
Sadly, as I bring up how her reactions make me feel closed-off and defensive, Sybil will blithely push that aside with a "it is your fault that I am reacting that way." If I had only done XYZ differently or had not done ABC, then she would not have felt that she has to yell at me to be heard. Personally, I think the natural reaction, when someone is yelling at you, is tune them out. After each episode, I feel less connected to her. For some of the female blogs I read with husbands that won't have sex with them, I have to wonder: do you do the same with your husband? The emotional draining that takes place leaves me not wanting to talk to Sybil much less touch her. After 13 years of it, I've noticed my libido goes way up, when she's not around.
The demand of the loveless and the self-imprisoned that they should be allowed to blackmail the universe: that till they consent to be happy (on their own terms) no one else shall taste joy: that theirs should be the final power; that Hell should be able to veto Heaven. The Great Divorce. C.S. Lewis
25 comments:
Aphron, forgive me if I just haven't been paying attention, but I'm gonna go all 'FTN' on you for a second here - have you and Sybil ever had any counseling? Or, since it's obviously all your fault, would counseling just be pointless?
Every person who has ever been abused is familiar with this pattern....'why do you make me beat you?' or 'why do you make me say these things to you?' etc etc etc. Very sad indeed especially since you also have sons who are watching and learning this abusive behaviour. Something to consider.
desmond jones-
I've asked her to go on several occasions. She refuses to even discuss it. Yeah, it's pointless because these blow-ups are all my fault.
facets of v-
I've thought of that. Emotional abuse is something I've considered. I may post on it in the future.
About the libido thing... after I finally left My Ex - his libido went way up. And I think we both attribute it to the fact that I wasn't nagging him about our situation, and how bad I felt and blah blah blah. Granted, it didn't save our relationship, but we were doomed from the start.
Alot of what you write about her actions seems like emotional abuse to me, and what Facets says rings true... it's always the victim who "makes" the abuser do this to them.
For some of the female blogs I read with husbands that won't have sex with them, I have to wonder: do you do the same with your husband? The emotional draining that takes place leaves me not wanting to talk to Sybil much less touch her. After 13 years of it, I've noticed my libido goes way up, when she's not around.
Yes, I think that's a big part of our problems. Although I've recognized my part in our problems and have tried to tone it down, I think the years of yelling took their toll. I don't think we'll ever come back from it.
Sorry for the multiple postings. I kept getting errors when I tried to post my comment so I kept posting it again. Then all of a sudden they all showed up!
Sorry!
trueself-
I think blogger is having problems. I've been trying to post comments on other's blogs and have been unsuccessful.
tajalude-
That's the problem. Sybil and I seem to be stuck. We've talked a lot, but neither seems able to modify their behavior enough for the other.
Aphron, I may have been like Sybil for a minute or two at one time ages ago (perhaps when I was on The Pill?) but SD wasn't having any of that. Most importantly, he would just simply not respond if I was out of control like she seems to get. Any response AT ALL just feeds into it and validates the horrendous behavior.
What a tiring, weary way to live. You're very strong!
She seems rather difficult to reason with. Course, we're only getting your side of it right?! One thing is for sure she needs to stop acting like that in front of your kids.
When I read what you say about not listening it kind of makes me laugh. Seems like she has really convinced you that you have a listening problem which you've accepted as the truth. Maybe she has a communicating problem.
I am in an emotionally abusive marriage and this shit can really creep up on you. Before you even know what happened you doubt everything that ever comes out of your mouth. Your partner should uplift you and make you a better person not the other way around.
There are a few good books you should read. One is "emotional blackmail" and "You don't have to take it anymore".
elise-
Yep, this is my side of the story. If Sybil wants to tell her side, then she should start her own blog. Naturally, I might bias all of this in my favor. I honestly try not to.
I started this blog as a coping mechanism. I am humbled that people actually read it. Since, ironically, I felt I was being heard, I wanted to put all of this out there to see what happens. Am I perfect? Of course not.
You're doing better than we are dearie - our only form of communication is via e-mail! At least you're using your vocals.
Cheers
anon?-
Thank you. My faith and the well-being of my children are what keeps me going. I don't attribute strength to anything that I'm doing.
mcewn-
My brother went through that "talking with email only" bit right before his divorce. I hope things will improve for you.
everyone-
I think blogger is having some issues. Posts that weren't anonymous are now anonymous. Posts aren't showing up. I blame Bill Gates.
Elise makes a worthwhile, altho scary, point. Our daughter spent three years in an abusive relationship, and that was one of the hallmarks - after a while you start to question your own sanity, because all your words/actions are constantly being called into question. (shudder; sorry)
(I think this most recent 'anonymous' was originally Satan, if it matters)
(of course you matter to me, Satan! What I meant was, if it matters for purposes of Aphron's blog, and. . .oh, never mind)
Thanks Desmond, you're right.
And you matter to me, too. ;)
-Satan
I agree with anonymous (or was that Satan?) about not validating bad behavior.
While I don't think just walking away is necessarily helpful, saying something like, "You're being unreasonable and we will talk once you've calmed down" might be. Granted that could just make her more mad, but personally, I prefer it when RS calls me on my childish behavior. I don't want to develop habits that turns me into a shrew or that makes me lose all credibility in even being able to have a mature disagreement. It's hard to take anyone seriously who habitually acts like a child but I think she reacts so explosively in an attempt to get you to take her seriously & so the cycle continues...
For Pete sakes people, this is the age old dilemma of the essential wiring of a man compared to a woman.
A man wishes simply for a companion to be by his side; a woman wants a companion with whom she can interact. But more than that, a woman needs to feel she has been heard and have her feelings [if heard], simply validated. That means, just listen and offer her feedback that you hear what she's trying to tell you.
Nothing more.
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