Things have calmed down to certain peace. Sybil apologized for her actions; I apologized for mine. Yet, there seems to be a lingering after effect. I'm not sure Sybil feels the same as me, but I feel a loss of connection. After all of the arguments and fights we've had, each one has left me feeling battered and bruised. I'm not sure I feel resentment towards her, but I feel trepidation about what to do or say. I feel that the reaction I'll get is more than I can handle.
Grabbing the tiger by its tail is a dangerous situation. To keep from grabbing the tail, I feel that I must act differently. I must watch each and every word and weigh its potential meanings carefully. I know that we all must do that in polite society; it is difficult to manage in the privacy of my own home. I cannot speak freely; I cannot act freely. Since I have not been one deal well with authority, this is a burden.
If one is in a truly intimate relationship, shouldn't that person be, relatively, free to speak and act? I could understand, if I were abusive. Am I this horrible person, or am I stuck in a hopeless situation? No one likes to think of themselves in a negative light. Am I in denial, or am I a selfish, unthinking bastard? Is Sybil right or am I?
Confrontation is a good thing, but over time constant confrontation over everything can lead to a feeling of despair. When something really important needs to be addressed, it can be lost in the noise of all of the other issues. The person being confronted begins to feel like a failure. I believe in carrot and stick approach can work, but what if there is no carrot?
The demand of the loveless and the self-imprisoned that they should be allowed to blackmail the universe: that till they consent to be happy (on their own terms) no one else shall taste joy: that theirs should be the final power; that Hell should be able to veto Heaven. The Great Divorce. C.S. Lewis
9 comments:
aphron, I understand your frustration at this and wish I had an answer, any answer, to give you to help you cope. All I have today is observations:
If one is in a truly intimate relationship, shouldn't that person be, relatively, free to speak and act? Part of being in a relationship is recognizing the sensitive areas of your partner. Everyone has a different set to manage.
I could understand, if I were abusive. Am I this horrible person, or am I stuck in a hopeless situation? No and no. However, partnering is an art, not a science. And, afterall, art is in the eye of the beholder.
No one likes to think of themselves in a negative light. Am I in denial, or am I a selfish, unthinking bastard? Neither, to coin an age-old insult: You're human.
Is Sybil right or am I? Yes, and no. No, and yes. Helpful stinker, ain't I?
xi
Aphron, I urge you to do some research on Borderline Personality Disorder. What you learn may help you to understand Sybil's behavior, emotions, and thought patterns. Good luck.
I recommend the book "Marriage On The Rock" by Jimmy Evans for both of you, and "Managing Your Emotions, Instead of Letting Your Emotions Manage You" by Joyce Meyer for Sybil. Heck if you want I'll send her a copy anonymously!
Actually that one would also be a good read for both of you.
xi summit-
Nope, we don't like to see ourselves in a negative light. It's difficult to know the truth.
leaving oz-
You're not the first person to bring up the subject of Borderline Personality Disorder. I'll be posting on it in the future.
square1-
I know Sybil will not read them. I have brought up the subject of reading books before to no avail. She is not a reader by any stretch (one our big differences). Whenever I used outside sources to help us, I have been met with a rolling of the eyes. The problem lies with me, you see.
I don't know what else to say as the others have questioned or commented on what may or may not be needed.
I'll just send a hug.
Hmm, I just wrote something on a similar subject. I'm baffled how Sybil doesn't see how her problems with communication seem to be such a destroying force. It's amazing that she is so blind to that.
It seems like an intervention is in order... You need a roomful of people to sit her down and let her know how it is, just like in those intervention TV shows.
c-marie-
Thanks. Back at you.
ftn-
An intervention? That sounds strangely similar to confrontation. The problem is that Sybil is acutely aware of how to act in public. To me, it seems she saves it for me and the kids. Mainly me. People that know us would never realize that Sybil has this dark streak. Maybe I'm the problem?
The problem is that Sybil is acutely aware of how to act in public. To me, it seems she saves it for me and the kids. Mainly me. People that know us would never realize that Sybil has this dark streak. Maybe I'm the problem?
No, I don't think you are the problem. I have known (well and just perhaps am one) those who were raised to present one facade to the world and only air the dirty laundry in the privacy of the home. Anyone on the outside would have thought that my parents never argued with one another, never got frustrated with one another. Those of us within the immediate family knew better. We also knew to keep our mouths shut about it. Perhaps Sybil grew up in a similar atmosphere?
Oh man, we resemble that remark. Queenie's much the same way, she's one person for everyone else and entirely different for me. She's fairly level and kind and wonderful to the world and saves some but little of that for me. The only solace I take in that is I know she's completely comfortable around me but man, getting yelled at in place of the world sure gets old.
I often wonder what my daughters are learning from this. I try to show a measured response both in public and at home and, have to cofess, that now that they are older I sometimes will say to them "Please learn from your mother's mistakes. If you get married and treat your husband the way she sometimes treats me you may find yourself no longer married or at the very least you will have a regretful married life.". I hate doing that, but now that they are adultish I need to be completely honest and make sure they know this is not the way to be.
In fairness I will say that Queenie has improved remarkably (from what she was) over the last several years so this all happens much less frequently.
Sheesh, you don't mind if I take over your blog do ya? Sorry for the wordiness ....
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