Ok, I was wrong. After having a terribly long, painful, emotionally fraught discussion last night. Sybil was angry with my selfishness. When I chose to go home for lunch yesterday instead of meeting friend's mom for lunch at fast food restaurant (which I don't like), I was being selfish.
In truth, I was being selfish. I didn't want to spend my limited lunch time at this establishment, so I chose to go home. Sybil feels that I should have pushed my feelings about the fast food restaurant aside, had lunch with friend's mom, and taken Son#2 back to the office. Should I have? Friend's mom did not indicate any need to hurry and leave the eatery. As I said in the last post, she told me that they had just sat down and began to eat. It seemed, to me, it was a win-win situation. Son#2 got to hang out with his friend, and I got to go home and relax for lunch. Apparently, I only cared about myself.
Is it true? Probably. By nature, I tend to think how something will affect me first. That doesn't mean that I won't be helping others, or anything. That only means I think of myself first. In a strictest sense, I am selfish. However, does that mean I only take care of myself first? I don't think so. One of the reasons for my lack of posting here and commenting on other sites is lack of time. If it weren't for work, I wouldn't have time to post at all. Outside of work, I have about 30 minutes of free time a day (including weekends).
That's right 30 minutes. The only reason I have that is because I get up at 6 am. When I finally get home (usually after 8 pm due to kids' activities), I can't enjoy any "selfish pursuits." If I were to start reading a book, Sybil would get annoyed because I am ignoring her. If I play on the computer, I am being selfish for not spending time with Sybil. As I read that, it makes me wonder who is selfish?
What this all boils down to is "what's the big deal?" What is the worst that could happen? Is it the end of the world? I usually say, "No, it isn't that big of a deal." I think therein lies the problem. For Sybil EVERYTHING is a big deal. Kind of a "take care of the little things and the big things take care of themselves."
By the way, the only person that was inconvenienced was me. I didn't get to have any lunch.
The demand of the loveless and the self-imprisoned that they should be allowed to blackmail the universe: that till they consent to be happy (on their own terms) no one else shall taste joy: that theirs should be the final power; that Hell should be able to veto Heaven. The Great Divorce. C.S. Lewis
5 comments:
You're right... it wasn't the end of the world. I can't for the life of me understand why it became such a huge deal. I don't think what such a big deal. You just didn't exactly what she told you to do. Oye.
me again... you see that post up there? I've noticed those little typo's getting to be big typo's - like complete sentence typo's! What the? I just gave my keyboard a good cleaning, too... sorry, I just don't want you to think I'm on crack or something. (weird)
:)
She is controlling of you. Why is that need in her to dictate your moves and expect that you answer to her for what she feels is not appropriate or acceptable. I believe she is the one that is selfish. Does she not sleep in when you are getting kids ready for school? There are many other examples i could give... Maybe its time you start pointing out to her the things she does that is selfish. Maybe its time you remind her that she needs to be giving, supportive and helping YOU with things like a wife should. Dude.. she has you under control and she knows it. She knows what to say to put you on the defense and make it seem like its all your fault. It keeps you in check while she sits back and doesnt have to answer to anybody or anything while she leisures around and takes life how she wants to.
Well, I don't see a problem with you being. I mean if you're doing so much for other people in your life that you only get 30 minutes a week for yourself, I'd say that was pretty UNselfish. But that can't be healthy in any respect. I'm new herem but I have a feeling your a people pleaser, trying to make everyone happy even at your own expense. Believe me, that's exhausting. I found it best to carve out some time (30 minutes to an hour) for myself each day. It has done wonders!
As for Sybil's view that everything is a big deal, well, that's the way I used to be until my husband enlightened me a little. It wasn't that he didn't care, it was that he doesn't let things bother him as much as I tend to. That really made sense to me.
This is all about perceptions. I have learned this quite a lot in lectures I got from my wife. She is very worried (as I suspect Sybil is as well) about "outward appearance" and any sort of relying on others (you don't count in this scenario).
She felt embarassed that you did not do as she asked, which made "her" look like "one of those people that don't care about other's feelings." You "just don't understand" the logic that women torcher themselves with adhering to some sort of ethics code that we guys just never understand.
That is where the "selfish" part (that she is talking about) comes in. This mother had done something nice in having the sleepover, you should have obliged her by going to fast food restaurant (whether you wanted to or not) to if nothing else keep her company and eat rather than leaving her with the burden of the two kids since she had already had them for "so long"
It is a perception thing. Don't try to understand it, because then the rules will just change. Just know it is there.
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